CHAPTER 3
“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” Psalm 147:3
Blake sat listening to Andy in the restaurant. Andy went through an excited dissertation of all the news at work. There was a long description of how a married manager had gotten caught having an affair with a girl from marketing. He told about a major new customer that had been landed, which was making everybody extremely busy. It seemed that Andy was intentionally dominating the conversation in order to avoid Blake's circumstance.
Finally Andy seemed to run out of news. The two men were silent for a bit, then with resignation, Andy pushed his glasses up on his nose and asked, “So, how are you doing with things?”
Blake recognized that Andy was uncomfortable with his mourning, so he responded with a question, “How do you think people will treat me when I come back to work?”
Andy appeared slightly surprised by the question. He mulled it over. The more he thought about the question, the more seriously he took it. Finally he said, “I think you might have a few hours where people are uncomfortable or trying to offer some sort of condolences, but I think that after some initial time things will go back to normal. The people in the office mostly like and respect you. We are also really busy and could use your help.”
Now it was Blake's turn to be surprised. Andy's answer was more thoughtful and reasoned that what Blake expected out of Andy. He said, “You really think so? I just really want to get some normalcy back into my life. If I could find that at work, I really think it would be good for me.”
Andy said, “We would love to have you back.”
Blake responded, “I'm not sure if I am quite ready quite yet, but it is good to know that it is an option.”
“So, what sort of timetable are you thinking?”
“I don't know. Next week, I think I'll call in and talk to Jim about setting something up for my return.”
Andy said, “I bet you could show up at the office Monday morning and everybody would be thrilled, even if you hadn't told Jim you were coming back.”
“I wouldn't recommend holding your breath waiting on me to walk in there Monday morning, but I will be coming back soon,” said Blake.
When Blake got back to his apartment, he got his mail. There was a letter from his insurance company. He opened it up and found a check for Elaine's life insurance. Blake stared at the check. He thought it was a sad comment that this company could possibly think that Elaine's life was worth this amount of money. It seemed like such an insult on her memory.
Blake wanted to rip the check to shreds.
He didn't want money. What good was money without having Elaine to share it with? He thought about what they could have done with this money, about how much fun they could have had. He would have given every penny he had to get Elaine back, even to have just little time with her again.
The check was shaking in his hand, but he could hardly see it through his tears. He just dropped the check to the floor, sat down and sobbed.
Sunday morning, Blake got himself ready for church. This would his first time to church in almost 2 months.
When Blake arrived, he went in and sat down with Mark and Beth, in his usual spot. It was always the four of them: Elaine and Blake, with Mark and Beth, they would sit together in Church, and then go to lunch afterwards. From time-to-time, somebody else would join them for lunch, but the 4 were always together.
Blake's church experience was slightly awkward. There were a lot of people that were offering help and condolences. During the church service, they prayed that he would find comfort, as he knew they had been praying for Elaine and himself since Elaine got sick. More than any other reason, going to church was awkward because Elaine wasn't there with him.
Blake had always thought of this church as “Elaine's church.” Even though he had been attending Calvary Gospel Church since the Sunday after his first lunch date with Elaine, he had never felt completely like he belonged. He always felt slightly like an outsider. This is not to say that the people weren't welcoming, Blake just couldn't quite let himself relax into their community. He loved the enthusiasm and energy of the services at Calvary Gospel. Yet, he never felt quite like he shared what they had. He felt more like he was going-through-the-motions or pretending, than really participating. In some way, Blake felt jealous of the people at Elaine's church, they had something that he wanted, but he couldn't figure out how to get it.
He felt terribly embarrassed by his “not getting it.” He had tried a couple of times to talk to Elaine about his problem, but she couldn't really understand that he didn't understand. She couldn't really help because she saw her faith as so terribly simple. To her, faith was like dropping a ball and having it fall to the ground – how could anybody have a problem with that?
Now, after Elaine's death, he missed her so much. This church and her faith were such huge parts of her life, that Blake felt he had to seek them in order to seek her.
During the sermon, Blake was having trouble concentrating. He only heard bits and pieces as he tuned-in and tuned-out. Then, as Pastor David was making some sort of a point, he read from Matthew 7:
Enter through the narrow gate. For the gate is wide and the road is broad that leads to destruction and there many who go through it. How narrow is the gate and difficult the road that leads to life, and few find it.1
When Blake heard this verse, he was surprised and puzzled. Without thinking too much about it, he had always assumed that most people were going to heaven and only a few really bad people would be left out. In this simple statement, Jesus had said the exact opposite. The idea that only a few would make it into heaven, was mind-boggling. He had never really thought too much at all about the afterlife, but now things were different.
He knew for a fact that Elaine was in heaven. If there was ever a time that he could be certain of a person's eternal destination, it was with Elaine. While she wasn't perfect, she had a relationship with her Lord that seemed to go to incredible lengths. The Lord couldn't turn His back on her, they shared a deep love.