Chapter 17
Daisy's POV
“Stupid, pushy, hypocrite.” I keep muttering insults to him, even if they don’t really apply, as I sit on the roof of the house. I feel way too incensed to even smile at the lovely sight. The night seems to be almost over and I finally let the beauty of the sight drive away my inner turmoil. How could I not have enjoyed such simple treasures while alive? I wonder and then, with my attention distracted from the view, feel the guilt and pain arise within me as I remember why the things took a bad turn.
I try not let it consume me, like it used to before, but I let the memories run their course. I steel myself to not react to the screams, to the sight as I tried fruitlessly to avert the damage. I still remember the terror in their eyes and I have to force myself to remember what happened next. The way their charred bodies had looked when the fire was put out. How the authorities had been puzzled by the fire and I had to scare them into leaving this place alone after they had taken the remains away. I try to control myself but when I finally return to the present and find my eyes shut, I know without any doubt that I failed.
“I am so sorry. You two know that, don’t you? I didn’t mean to.” I say out loud to the night sky, knowing that even if they hear me, no one alive can hear my words. Not even Nick. At the mere thought of his name, I flinch as I remember his tone. He had been angry and trying to be respectful towards the victims, he had reasoned. But I had heard the hurt in his tone as well, recognizing what a shock it must have been to him to realize that I was capable of such a thing too. Did he realize, though, that the guilt of this was the reason why she hadn’t tried to free herself from this prison? That, by only forgetting this in his company, she had been willing to give her freedom a chance?
I was a killer and killers deserved no mercy. After all, hadn’t I haunted Selena in her cell as well, driving her to insanity? Hadn’t I ensured she received the full punishment? So why should I not be punished? And if fading out was my punishment, why should I try to run from it? I reasoned with myself, feeling conflicted by the guilt and the desire to be free.
“Daisy! Where are you?” Nick frantically searches for me within the house and the shout yanks me out of this unhappy state of mind I had been sinking into. No, if I have to make my choice, I need to do this on my own. No one else can help me or I will never really let go of this guilt.
I let the outer façade of the place crumble a little without affecting the insides. My mind reasons that I am doing this to avoid giving Nick any sort of hint about my present location. My heart knows that it is because the outside is a lie and I just can’t bring myself to risk the inside just for some soul-searching. Anyhow, the release of control gives me just enough magical power to summon the illusion of scales and grey pebbles. As I would confess, the pebbles would turn either white, signifying goodness, or black, signifying my darkness. I have them such that each of them would resize themselves according to the weight of the situation, uninfluenced by my personal feelings regarding the manner.
“It’s time to face your judgement, Daisy McCain.” I speak to myself and then let my judgement begin. I pick up one of the pebbles and start the first confession. “Killing two people in my house in a fire accident that I lost control of. The fire started as an accident and the victims suffered a lot before dying.” The pebble grows very heavy and black and I place it on the scales while wondering if I can compensate for it at all.
The hand then picks another pebble and I make a second confession that is deeply entwined with the first one. “I dropped the chandelier on the two who got stuck in the fire once their death was inevitable. It killed them off instantly. They didn’t suffer while their bodies charred.” The now whitened pebble counters the weight of the black and I see the black lose some of the dominance of the scales.
“I played cruel games with the boy who tried to steal my beloved possession for the sake of a stupid dare.” I confess and to my surprise, the pebble disappears rather than changing colours. “Hmm, I guess that means that neither side deserves the weight.”
“I chose to stay when I should have moved on upon death.” The pebble turns black but its size is unaffected.
“I let go of my loved ones when it was clear that they needed to move on.” The pebble grows slightly while turning white and I let myself smile at the hope upon seeing them trying to even out the first dark.
And so it continues for the rest of the pebbles as I bare all my secrets and guilt and pride to the scales and let them decide if my life was worth redemption. The moon is nearing the end of its journey by the time I am done and the scales are nearly even. With all that I’ve done and said, that’s really equals a zero? I wonder before playing with the final two pebbles in my hand and decide to confront my most recent two realizations.
“I feel guilty for wanting someone who has his whole life in front of him while he seeks to help me move on from this world. I feel like I want to stay till the end just to be with him.” The pebble turns dark and I see the scales tilt very slightly in the favour of the dark. Do they support me or do they think I don’t deserve redemption because I don’t seem to want it?
“Are you sure about that?” The familiar male calls out from behind me and I jump, almost dropping the last pebble on the ground. And sure enough, my eyes find Nick Demming Peters standing just far enough to not be noticed by me. I suddenly note that I haven’t heard him call out to me for a long time now. How long has he been here? What did he hear?
Seeing my surprised look, he tries to give me a smile but it doesn’t come off very convincing. And then, he confirms what I feared. “And yes, I did hear almost every confession, starting from the one of letting go of your loved ones when they needed to move on.”
I flinch at the realization that this boy had just seen me confess all my darkest sins and then confess my desire for him out loud. I freeze in my spot as he carefully walks over to me, even though I magically make sure he doesn’t slip in his approach even if it means slightly butchering the original architecture of the roof. In the dark night, I can’t see the expression on his face and am unable to guess what sort of expression he has from his stiff body posture.
A wind blows from somewhere and I recognize that I am in my physical form just as he raises his right hand slowly towards my cheek. I don’t move, resisting the equally strong urges of my body to lean in and flinch away. The hand gets closer to my left cheek and I feel the miniscule moment freeze for eternity. Then the eternity ends and he steps into the moonlight from the shade of the trees and his hand makes contact.
The softness of the touch shocks me to the core, as if transforming my very existence in that touch.
“I feel the same way about you, Daisy McCain and I don’t want to let go of you either. The right thing shouldn’t matter between us but it does. Even though you clearly laid bare all your secrets to me unintentionally, I still want you as much as I did before, if not more.” I lean into his hand to enjoy this first contact between us and am pleased to feel calluses on his hand. Somehow, it feels just right on him.
I desire this moment to last until the moment I fade out. For this is my heaven.
“But we can’t always get what we want, Daisy.” He speaks softly, breaking the moment irrevocably with the truth. “Have you thought of what it would mean to stay? What it would mean to me to have you disappear one day in the future while knowing all the while that it is my fault that you would never be reborn again? Have you thought of how I will deal with a life without you after there’s no hope of ever reuniting with you?” The questions raise a point I never considered before and I hold back a shiver of fear at the desperation that would consume me should our roles be reversed.
And that’s when he dealt the final blow. “You are it for me, Daisy McCain.” He said while stroking my right cheek with the knuckles of his left hand gently. “There would never be another who I can love like I have fallen in love with you during this night. I will go on living either way but I would r
eally like to have the comfort of knowing that we would have a chance to reunite. Someday. Somewhere.”
“So what would you choose? Think of me and tell me, do you want to stay or do you want to leave?” And just like always, in that moment, the binding fears disappear. All I know is him and what I want is to make him happy.
“I’ll leave. For you, I’ll leave.”
The last pebble disappears from my hand and I feel Nick’s entire body freeze as he peers over me at the scales. I turn slowly in fear of having failed in passing this personal judgement. “I did nothing to help or hurt you. I was just the voice of reason you seemed to be hell bent on ignoring.” His voice is choked and I know why as soon as I bring my eyes back to the scales that are tipping to one of the sides very heavily.
And just like that, I finally accept the truth. I let the weight of uncertainty disappear from my shoulders and I quickly turn around to Nick, giving him a small smile at the bittersweet realization. Having done their job, the scales begin to disappear and I see how heavily their decision weighs on him, though he tries to hide it from me.
“No right choices, no?” I whisper at him and a chuckle escapes out of him, despite the sadness. And then, I turn around and move to his side as we see the last remnants of the scales disappear from the sight. I let myself lean my head on his right shoulder and then speak the words that I almost have to force out of my mouth.
“The scales tipped to the white. Does this really mean it’s time for the final goodbye?”