LETTER XLIII
MISS CLARISSA HARLOWE [IN CONTINUATION.]
And now, my dear, a few words, as to the prohibition laid upon you; asubject that I have frequently touched upon, but cursorily, because Iwas afraid to trust myself with it, knowing that my judgment, if I did,would condemn my practice.
You command me not to attempt to dissuade you from this correspondence;and you tell me how kindly Mr. Hickman approves of it; and how obliginghe is to me, to permit it to be carried on under cover to him--but thisdoes not quite satisfy me.
I am a very bad casuist; and the pleasure I take in writing to you, whoare the only one to whom I can disburden my mind, may make me, as I havehinted, very partial to my own wishes: else, if it were not an artfulevasion beneath an open and frank heart to wish to be complied with, Iwould be glad methinks to be permitted still to write to you; and onlyto have such occasional returns by Mr. Hickman's pen, as well as cover,as might set me right when I am wrong; confirm me, when right, and guideme where I doubt. This would enable me to proceed in the difficult pathbefore me with more assuredness. For whatever I suffer from thecensure of others, if I can preserve your good opinion, I shall not bealtogether unhappy, let what will befall me.
And indeed, my dear, I know not how to forbear writing. I have now noother employment or diversion. And I must write on, although I were notto send it to any body. You have often heard me own the advantages Ihave found from writing down every thing of moment that befalls me; andof all I think, and of all I do, that may be of future use to me; for,besides that this helps to form one to a style, and opens and expandsthe ductile mind, every one will find that many a good thoughtevaporates in thinking; many a good resolution goes off, driven out ofmemory perhaps by some other not so good. But when I set down what Iwill do, or what I have done, on this or that occasion; the resolutionor action is before me either to be adhered to, withdrawn, or amended;and I have entered into compact with myself, as I may say; having givenit under my own hand to improve, rather than to go backward, as I livelonger.
I would willingly, therefore, write to you, if I might; the rather as itwould be the more inspiriting to have some end in view in what I write;some friend to please; besides merely seeking to gratify my passion forscribbling.
But why, if your mother will permit our correspondence on communicatingto her all that passes in it, and if she would condescend to one onlycondition, may it not be complied with?
Would she not, do you think, my dear, be prevailed upon to have thecommunication made to her, in confidence?
If there were any prospect of a reconciliation with my friends, I shouldnot have so much regard for my pride, as to be afraid of any body'sknowing how much I have been outwitted as you call it. I would in thatcase (when I had left Mr. Lovelace) acquaint your mother, and all my ownfriends, with the whole of my story. It would behove me so to do, for myown reputation, and for their satisfaction.
But, if I have no such prospect, what will the communication of myreluctance to go away with Mr. Lovelace, and of his arts to frightenme away, avail me? Your mother has hinted, that my friends would insistupon my returning home to them (as a proof of the truth of my plea)to be disposed of, without condition, at their pleasure. If I scrupledthis, my brother would rather triumph over me, than keep my secret. Mr.Lovelace, whose pride already so ill brooks my regrets for meeting him,(when he thinks, if I had not, I must have been Mr. Solmes's wife,)would perhaps treat me with indignity: and thus, deprived of all refugeand protection, I should become the scoff of men of intrigue; a disgraceto my sex--while that avowed love, however indiscreetly shown, which isfollowed by marriage, will find more excuses made for it, than generallyit ought to find.
But, if your mother will receive the communication in confidence, prayshew her all that I have written, or shall write. If my past conductin that case shall not be found to deserve heavy blame, I shall thenperhaps have the benefit of her advice, as well as yours. And if, aftera re-establishment in her favour, I shall wilfully deserve blame for thetime to come, I will be content to be denied yours as well as hers forever.
As to cramping my spirit, as you call it, (were I to sit down to writewhat I know your mother must see,) that, my dear, is already cramped.And do not think so unhandsomely of your mother, as to fear that shewould make partial constructions against me. Neither you nor I candoubt, but that, had she been left unprepossessedly to herself, shewould have shown favour to me. And so, I dare say, would my uncleAntony. Nay, my dear, I can extend my charity still farther: for I amsometimes of opinion, that were my brother and sister absolutely certainthat they had so far ruined me in the opinion of both my uncles, as thatthey need not be apprehensive of my clashing with their interests,they would not oppose a pardon, although they might not wish areconciliation; especially if I would make a few sacrifices to them:which, I assure you, I should be inclined to make were I wholly free,and independent on this man. You know I never valued myself upon worldlyacquisitions, but as they enlarged my power to do things I loved todo. And if I were denied the power, I must, as I now do, curb myinclination.
Do not however think me guilty of an affectation in what I have saidof my brother and sister. Severe enough I am sure it is, in the mostfavourable sense. And an indifferent person will be of opinion, thatthey are much better warranted than ever, for the sake of the familyhonour, to seek to ruin me in the favour of all my friends.
But to the former topic--try, my dear, if your mother will, upon thecondition above given, permit our correspondence, on seeing all wewrite. But if she will not, what a selfishness would there be in my loveto you, were I to wish you to forego your duty for my sake?
And now, one word, as to the freedom I have treated you with in thistedious expostulatory address. I presume upon your forgiveness of it,because few friendships are founded on such a basis as ours: whichis, 'freely to give reproof, and thankfully to receive it as occasionsarise; that so either may have opportunity to clear up mistakes, toacknowledge and amend errors, as well in behaviour as in words anddeeds; and to rectify and confirm each other in the judgment each shallform upon persons, things, and circumstances.' And all this upon thefollowing consideration; 'that it is much more eligible, as well ashonourable, to be corrected with the gentleness that may be expectedfrom an undoubted friend, than, by continuing either blind or wilful,to expose ourselves to the censures of an envious and perhaps malignantworld.'
But it is as needless, I dare say, to remind you of this, as it is torepeat my request, so often repeated, that you will not, in your turn,spare the follies and the faults of
Your ever affectionate CL. HARLOWE.
SUBJOINED TO THE ABOVE.
I said, that I would avoid writing any thing of my own particularaffairs in the above address, if I could.
I will write one letter more, to inform you how I stand with this man.But, my dear, you must permit that one, and your answer to it (for Iwant your advice upon the contents of mine) and the copy of one I havewritten to my aunt, to be the last that shall pass between us, while theprohibition continues.
I fear, I very much fear, that my unhappy situation will draw me in tobeing guilty of evasion, of little affectations, and of curvings fromthe plain simple truth which I was wont to delight in, and prefer toevery other consideration. But allow me to say, and this for your sake,and in order to lessen your mother's fears of any ill consequences thatshe might apprehend from our correspondence, that if I am at any timeguilty of a failure in these respects, I will not go on in it, butendeavour to recover my lost ground, that I may not bring error intohabit.
I have deferred going to town, at Mrs. Sorlings's earnest request. Buthave fixed my removal to Monday, as I shall acquaint you in my next.
I have already made a progress in that next; but, having an unexpectedopportunity, will send this by itself.