Serena's heart rate was already rising by the time she tried to get the panic to stop by telling herself that maybe it would all work out. Maybe she was freaking out for nothing. And maybe her mother was wrong and Smith didn't need her right away.
"Good morning."
Trying to hide her rising anxiety, Serena rolled over so that she and Sean were face to face on the pillow. He was gorgeous first thing in the morning. "I like this," she said as she reached up to brush her fingertips over his dark stubble.
He captured her hand in his and kissed her fingertips. "Good. Because you'll be seeing a lot more of it in the future."
Just like that, the tension that she'd only just managed to shove down burst open inside her. "Sean, I--" Just then she caught a glimpse of the clock on his bedside table. "Oh no, I didn't realize how late it is and how long we slept. I need to go. I have my presentation this afternoon and I need to get ready for it."
When he turned to look at the clock, he cursed, too. "I have to head out for fielding practice. And then I've got an Econ test." She was already dragging on her clothes from the day before, when he slid naked out of the bed and took one of her hands in his. "I'll text my coach to let him know I can't make it today, and I'll find a way to talk my professor into letting me make up the test later in the week."
"You don't need to do that." No matter how much she wanted him with her, she couldn't let him blow off the important things in his own life just so he could hold her hand all day and make sure she didn't lose it. She made herself--for the first time with him--put on one of the wide smiles she'd so often used in front of the cameras. "I'll be fine."
But she could see that he didn't buy it. Not for a second. "I know this might seem crazy," he told her, "but I keep thinking that if I let you go today, the next thing I know, you'll be calling me from an airplane or a film set."
"I won't." Because even if she did have to leave, she would never go without saying good-bye. "I know my mother made it seem like everything needed to change right away, but we don't know that for sure yet."
A muscle jumped in his jaw at the word yet, but he didn't press her on it. Instead, he was the one forcing a smile this time. "I'll come get you at the English Department after you ace your presentation. We can go celebrate with a slice of pizza."
"That sounds great," she said as she wrapped her arms around him.
They stood holding each other for as long as they could, but the clock was still ticking and they had to pull apart too soon.
*
Taking a scalding hot shower helped. So did putting on a little makeup for once so that she had some color in her face, then choosing one of the few dresses she'd brought to campus and slipping it on, along with some pretty flats. By the time she was dressed, Serena actually felt pretty normal. Or as close to normal as she could be, given the circumstances.
Okay, she told herself as she packed up her notes and books to head to the quiet of the library for a few hours to review her presentation, all she needed to do was keep everything in its own separate compartment. Right now she'd focus on her classwork. After her presentation, she'd focus on Sean. And after that, she'd finally deal with her career...and her mother.
When that thought had her heart rate picking up again, she forcefully pushed it away and steadied herself by looking at the book in her hand. Jane Eyre. Charlotte Bronte's beautiful words had always inspired her.
"Serena, you really need to start answering your phone!"
From the look on her roommate's face as she walked into their room, Serena's stomach sank even before Abi held out her own phone. "Katie just saw this and I didn't want you to be blindsided by it later."
Even the best self-control and all the pep talks in the world couldn't stop Serena from flinching when she looked at the picture of her and Sean walking together. It must have been taken last night after they'd left her dorm room because they looked tense. Upset. And anyone would think from looking at it that they'd been fighting. How would anyone ever guess that they'd both been shell-shocked by her mother's sneak-attack movie bomb? Especially when the headline that went along with the photo was Serena Britten gets ready to leave Stanford to shoot a Smith Sullivan blockbuster: Will a long-distance relationship work? Vote now!
She should have been used to this by now, to people voting online about a total stranger's life--a stranger who happened to be her. But after feeling like she might actually have started to pull away from that life during the past few weeks, dealing with the celebrity spotlight again felt worse than ever. Had it just been last night after Maddie's party that she'd told herself she didn't care about the paparazzi anymore? Had she actually been foolish enough to believe that they were tired of trying to get interesting shots of her?
Now she realized just how wrong she'd been. Photographers must have been lying in wait for her...or someone from her dorm had heard the commotion, taken the pictures, and decided to make some quick cash by selling them. But that wasn't all, because beneath the picture of the two of them were several more pictures of girls Sean was reputed to have dated before Serena. Pretty girls. Really pretty. And probably with normal lives that didn't go off like mines in a minefield from one second to the next.
"Stop thinking crazy thoughts," Abi said, clearly reading Serena's face. "He's not interested in any of those other girls."
"I know," Serena replied. Still, it wasn't easy to see photographic evidence of what a player he'd been, particularly on a day when it was getting harder and harder for her to pretend that she was going to be able to stick around. It wasn't that she didn't trust him--of course she did--it was more that she hated the thought of him holding himself back from fully living life because of her. Especially if her career spiraled off the way it always had before, from photo shoot to fashion show and now to movie set, and she couldn't come back to Stanford anytime soon...
"Last night with Sean," Serena said, needing to share the wonder of it with her friend, "was amazing."
Abi smiled at her the way she imagined a sister would. "Of course it was. Not just because of how hot your boyfriend is, but because he loves you." Abi took the phone out of her hand and threw it on the bed. "I know all of these pictures, these gossip stories, upset you. But they don't matter."
"I know they don't, but there's still the movie thing to deal with." Serena shook her head. "I know complaining about having a part in a Smith Sullivan movie is crazy."
"Pretty much every girl on the planet would sell her soul to get to be around Smith," Abi agreed. "But you can't beat yourself up if you dig libraries more than hot movie stars."
It felt good to laugh, even a little. It felt even better to be understood. "Speaking of libraries, I really need to get ready for my presentation."
"You want to run it by me?"
"You've already been so amazing," Serena said. "Dealing with having me as a roommate, answering endless questions about things anyone else would already know about by now, and then my mother yesterday. So even though I appreciate your offer to be bored to tears by my presentation, I think you've done more than enough for me already."
"It's what friends are for," Abi said with a little shrug that proved just how much she meant it. Clearly, none of the things she'd done for Serena had been a big deal for her. Because she was a nice person.
Wanting so badly to do something for Abi, too, Serena said, "I meant to tell you about meeting Sean's brothers."
"Oooh, tell me everything."
"Justin looks like his carbon copy, but even though I think they're pretty different as people, it would be a little weird if you dated him. However," she said to quell Abi's disappointment, "his oldest brother Grant was there, although he might be a little on the serious side for you, too. But Drew..."
"Oh my God, Drew Morrison left his tour to come home for his sister's birthday party?"
Serena nodded. "He's a bit of a player, I think. More than a bit. But I still really liked him." She smiled at her roommate. "And he's pretty darn sexy."
br />
"I don't care if he's a player, and I already know how sexy he is." Abi licked her lips. "How long is he going to be in town?"
"Wait a sec, I'll see if I can find out." Serena quickly texted Sean, hoping she'd catch him before he started practice. She smiled when he texted right back. "Until tomorrow. Sean says he has a private gig in the city tonight." Serena sent him another note, hoping that she could at least give Abi this one small thing.
"What are you doing?"
She held up a finger as her phone buzzed again. "Hold on, he's checking with Drew."
"Checking? What's he checking?"
Thirty seconds later, the text she was hoping for came through. "Drew would love for you to be his special guest tonight for the private show. He'll come pick you up here at six if that will work."
"Of course it will work!" Abi threw herself at Serena and hugged her so tightly she almost lifted her off the floor. "Oh my God, what am I going to wear?" She looked at her watch. "I'm barely going to have enough time to go to the mall and get everything else done."
"Everything else?"
"You know, nails, makeup, hair."
"Abi." Serena wanted her roommate to have a good time, but she didn't want her to end up hurt. "It sounds like Drew is always on the road. I don't think he'd be good boyfriend material."
Fortunately, Abi just laughed. "Don't worry, I'm not in the market for a boyfriend. Even if the whole committed-and-in-love thing is totally working for you. But I'm definitely game for making out with a rock star." She grabbed her purse and keys and blew Serena a kiss from the doorway. "Thanks again, you're the best! And don't worry about those stupid pictures, okay?" She poked her head back around the door frame. "Good luck with your presentation. I'm sure it will be amazing."
CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE
Ten minutes later, Serena was in her usual spot in the library, but she couldn't settle down. Not when everything around her reminded her of Sean. Surprising her the day those first pictures had come out. Showing her the photographs--and a deeply hidden part of himself--in the archives downstairs. Picking her up to take her to play Frisbee Golf. Surprising her with the bag full of Stanford Football clothes and face paint for one of their normal dates...and her surprising him right back by launching herself at him at the top of the stairs and kissing him. And then, on their most recent Friday night date, being surprised when he'd unzipped her bag and found tequila in it.
All the sweet and sexy moments blurred in her brain, making it nearly impossible for her to focus the way she needed to. But if she blew this presentation that made up fifty percent of her grade for the quarter, movie or not, her grade point average would be too low for the admissions department to change her probationary acceptance to permanent.
Pushing the hair out of her face, she stared down at her notes and made herself carefully and deliberately go through them line by line, page by page. It took a little while, but finally, she started to sink back into the material the way she usually did. In fact, an hour later, when she finally thought to check her phone just in case Sean or Abi needed anything, she was surprised to see Smith Sullivan's name on the screen.
She hadn't heard her phone ring, but it looked like he'd left her a voice mail. Her heart rate immediately kicked into overdrive. And though she hated it when people used their cell phones in the library, she couldn't wait to get all the way outside before hearing what he had to say.
Holding it up to her ear, she pressed play and Smith's deep voice rumbled through. "Serena, I wanted to call to tell you how pleased I am that we will be working together on my film. I apologize again that it took this long for everything to be set in stone, and after worrying that we would lose you to other projects and commitments, I'm extremely glad to hear via your mother that you will definitely be able to make our first day of production next week." He said a few more things, but she could barely take them in and had to replay his message again to take down his full contact information just in case she needed to reach him between now and next week.
She shouldn't be shocked that her mother would have said Serena had "no other projects or commitments" that would interfere with his movie. And yet, even after the things Genevieve had said to her the day before, she was stunned. Stunned and heartbroken to know that what she wanted mattered so little to the person who had been the center of her world for nineteen years.
She dropped the phone into her bag and when she turned back to her presentation notes, no matter how hard she tried to study them, she just couldn't stop thinking about Smith's call...and how if everything went the way her mother was hoping it would, Serena would be on set by this time next week. It would be as though her time here at Stanford--and Sean--had never happened at all, reduced to nothing more than a short little blip in her life.
*
Disaster.
Her presentation was a total disaster. It was so bad, in fact, that by the time she fumbled her way to the end no one in her class could even make eye contact with her.
"Serena," her professor said while the other students all shot out the door as fast as they could, "I'd appreciate it if you could stay behind for a few minutes."
She felt sick to her stomach. She didn't get the sense that Professor Fairworth paid much attention to pop culture, but it would just be her lucky day if he'd somehow seen the news reports that she was going to film Smith's movie. If he had, of course he would assume that she had intentionally wasted his time today with a ridiculously subpar presentation.
"Is everything all right?"
Considering how uncomfortable she'd been around him in those initial weeks, ever since he'd canceled their one-on-one meetings, she hadn't picked up on any weird vibes. Well, not too many weird vibes, anyway. Granted, she'd been too preoccupied with falling for Sean to notice much about anyone else.
"I'm so sorry about my presentation. I put so much time into preparing for it, but some personal things came up in the last couple of days."
She hated hearing the excuse come out of her mouth, but for as fatalistic as all of this seemed, now that she'd actually blown the very thing she needed to get right, Serena was struck hard with a fierce need not to give up on everything that she'd had to fight so hard for in the first place. Maybe all of this was the universe telling her that she'd never belonged here anyway...but, darn it, that didn't change how badly she wanted to be here.
"I know it's no excuse and that you don't have to give me any special preference, but if there was any way that I might be able to have a second chance to prove to you that I take your class as seriously as I truly do--"
"Serena, it's okay."
Her professor put his hand on her arm to stop her mouth from running on. Perhaps she should have been more startled by the fact that he was touching her, and that he didn't immediately remove his hand from her bare skin, but she was so full of hope that he was going to give her another chance, the thought of pulling away didn't even cross her mind.
"It is?" Could this be the real sign that she was going to figure out a way to make it all work, after all? "I was so worried that you would think I'd flaked out, but I swear I haven't."
"Breathe," he said as he moved to draw her closer and began to stroke her back. "Just a few deep breaths will help. And then we can talk about our next step."
Finally--and with such suddenness that it stole her breath along with the relief she'd momentarily felt--wariness came. Along with a hit of fear as she realized that she'd just walked into her professor's arms.
Carefully, she took a small step back. "Thank you for agreeing to give me another shot at getting this presentation right. If I could have a couple of extra days to make a new plan for it, I know I could do a much better job."
"Absolutely, Serena, although I'm sure you agree that it would be best if you did your repeat performance outside of class. Otherwise, I expect your fellow students might wonder where their second chances are. We wouldn't want them to think you're getting any special treatment just because your picture
is everywhere."
When he put it that way, it suddenly seemed like he had seen the story about her leaving school to film Smith's movie. Which mean he probably also thought she and Sean were breaking up. If Sean had been the reason her professor had backed off several weeks ago, did Fairworth now think she was fair game? Was that why he was suddenly behaving in such a way that he was giving her the major creeps again?
"Professor Fairworth, I really do feel terrible about my performance today," she began, but he raised his hand to stop her from saying anything else.
"We all have our off days. Perhaps before you redo your presentation, we should get together to discuss a few ways you might be able to improve your analysis. I have a full roster of classes tomorrow, but I could carve out some time for you in the evening."
All those vulnerable and icky feelings she'd had around him in those early weeks on campus were coming back stronger than ever now, strong enough that she couldn't quite force a response from her lips.
"This building will be shut by then," he continued as if her agreement was a given, "so why don't you come to my place?"
He dropped his gaze to her mouth before lowering it farther still and then slowly bringing his attention back to her face. And when he reached up to brush the backs of his knuckles across her cheek, she was so horrified that for a few seconds that seemed to stretch on forever she couldn't get any of her limbs to work.
"You're very special, Serena. Very beautiful, too." He let his utterly inappropriate words linger for a few seconds as he ran hungry eyes over her again. "I truly do believe that you have special talents, and I am very much looking forward to helping you rise to your full potential, one on one. I know you're upset about what happened today, but I promise I can make you feel good about everything again. So very good."
While working as a model, she'd come across more than one photographer who had a knack for spinning things around on the girls he worked with so that they actually thought they'd asked for what the creeps had made them do. But Serena had always been protected by her mother, with Genevieve making absolutely certain that no one got near her. In so many ways it had been a prison, but at least she'd never come out of a session hollow-eyed from the things she'd wished she'd never done with the photographer.