Pleasure shocked her brain. She felt the answering tug deep in her womb and her body went liquid. She knew she should stop this, knew it was insane to give in to the needs spiraling out of control inside her. The words formed in her brain. But his mouth and the feel of his body against hers was like a narcotic, slowing her thought process and extinguishing the last remnants of her control.
He didn’t ask for permission before he slipped his hands beneath her T-shirt. A warning screamed in the back of her head an instant before his hands closed over her breasts. Her gasp of surprise came out as a sigh of pleasure. She’d always been sensitive there, and he’d always known exactly where and how to touch her. He was doing it now, she realized, skimming his thumbs over her aching nipples through the thin material of her bra until she was shaking violently.
She closed her eyes against the pleasure, felt a cry bubble up from inside her. Every nerve ending in her body sang when he slipped his hands beneath her bra. His palms were warm against her flesh. His fingertips were calloused and rough against her nipples. Her breasts swelled beneath his hands. She arched when he stroked. Groaning, he whispered something incoherent against her ear. Kelly felt herself go damp between her legs, felt her control falter and tumble and begin to spin….
The alarm in the back of her mind wailed for her to stop this before things went too far. There were a hundred reasons why she shouldn’t do this. She might still have feelings for him, but Buzz Malone was not the right man for her. He was not the right man for her son. Those years of living with him—and having her heart ripped out every time he took his life into his own reckless hands had taught her a terrible lesson. A lesson she refused to forget, no matter how wonderfully he kissed.
Sanity intervened like a cruel slap. Kelly jolted, as if waking from a deep sleep. “I can’t,” she said, pulling away from Buzz.
He let her go. She took two steps back, aware that her heart was racing, that they were both breathing as though they’d just run a marathon. She stared at him, appalled by what she’d let happen, and struggled to pull herself back together.
Oh, God, how could she do this when her little boy was out there lost and all alone?
Guilt crashed down on her with the force of an avalanche. As if reading her thoughts, Buzz started to reach for her. Kelly raised her hands as if to fend him off and took another step back. “Don’t,” she said.
“I’m sorry,” he offered.
“It was my fault, too.”
“I know what you’re thinking, Kel,” he said. “Don’t.”
If she hadn’t been so scared and worried and guilt-stricken, she might have laughed.
“Don’t feel guilty,” he said. “People react to stress in different ways. Some people need to be alone. Some people reach out.” Shaking his head, he looked down at the short span of dry earth between them. “Don’t feel guilty for reaching out.”
“My son is missing,” she said. “And I’m…” She couldn’t finish the sentence. Damn it, she didn’t want to say out loud what had just happened between them. “What kind of mother does that make me?”
“That makes you human,” he said fiercely. “You’re a good mother.”
“This can’t happen again,” she said. “For too many reasons to count.”
He scrubbed a hand over his jaw. “Yeah,” he said.
Tension built for perhaps a full minute. Slowly, their breathing returned to normal. Kelly found her eyes drawn to the trees and rocks surrounding them. She glanced at her watch, realized they’d only been stopped for ten minutes. A lot could happen in ten minutes.
“I’m going to build a fire,” Buzz said.
The words jerked her from her reverie. “You can’t build a fire. It’s bone-dry, and there’s a no-burn rule right now.”
“If Eddie can’t hear us calling for him over the sound of the water, maybe he’ll see the fire. I can’t use a flare, but I can damn well build a controlled fire.”
The exhaustion she’d been feeling earlier returned. A hundred emotions squirmed uncomfortably in her chest. Hope. Fear. A mother’s desperate love for a child that could be in imminent danger. Sharp-edged attraction to a man who’d proven to her a hundred times over that he was all wrong for her.
“Can I help?” she asked after a moment.
“Why don’t you gather some kindling?” he said. “I’ll gather some stones and larger wood. We’ll make camp. We’ll eat and rest for a couple of hours, then resume the search.”
It went against her instincts to stop searching—even to eat—but she knew Buzz was right. As she set about hunting suitable kindling, she began to pray.
Buzz spent ten minutes building a fire. He considered putting up the one-man tent for Kelly—more because he wanted something to do than from necessity—but figured he ought to take his own advice and get some rest. Besides, they wouldn’t be stopped long enough for her to get any use out of the tent, anyway.
Instead, he set up their sleeping bags on either side of the small fire, then busied himself with setting up and lighting the cooking stove. He’d thought keeping busy with the mundane business of setting up camp would keep his mind off the kiss—what it meant in terms of his having moved on with his life—but his efforts were futile.
Damn it, he wasn’t some school kid dumbstruck with hormones. He was a forty-year-old man. Mature enough to know that messing around with his ex-wife was a very bad idea. She might appeal to him on a physical level, but Buzz knew that beneath that enticing exterior was a truckload of trouble he had absolutely no desire to deal with. She’d made it clear she wanted nothing to do with a man who made his living putting his life on the line. He was crazy to be lusting after her at a time like this. She’d neglected to tell him about his son, for God’s sake. Robbed him of the opportunity to be a father to Eddie. How could he be attracted to a woman who’d betrayed him in such a terrible way?
Buzz’s body wasn’t as discriminating as his mind.
Five years was a long time for a man to be alone. He’d told himself he hadn’t taken a lover since the divorce because he’d been too busy. First with fixing up the cabin in Evergreen. Then with his work for Rocky Mountain Search and Rescue. He had a hundred excuses for not pursuing a relationship with some of the women he’d met over the years. For one, he didn’t need the headaches that came with having a woman in his life.
But Buzz had always prided himself on being honest. Not only with others, but with himself. As much as he didn’t want to admit it, he knew the main reason he hadn’t pursued a relationship was because he knew there was no woman who would ever replace what he’d had with Kelly. No other woman who would ever measure up. Stupidly, he hadn’t wanted to settle for anything less.
Damned fool.
Across from him, the woman in question was lying on her sleeping bag. Her knees were up and she had her forearm thrown over her eyes as if trying to block out the rest of the world. Her shirt had ridden up slightly, and he could plainly see the way her jeans hugged her hips and stretched tightly over her flat belly. Even as she lay on her back, he could see the jut of her breasts through her T-shirt. He still remembered the way her nipples had felt against his fingertips. The way the nubs had stiffened through the thin material of her bra….
Buzz had told her two hours of rest, a quick meal, then they would begin searching for Eddie again. How was he supposed to rest when every time he looked at her he got so hot he couldn’t stand it?
Angry with himself for having made such a stupid mistake as kissing her, frustrated because he could still feel the hard knot of arousal in his groin, he rose from his sleeping bag and stalked over to his backpack, which he’d hung from a nearby tree branch.
“Where are you going?”
Opening his backpack, he tossed her a protein bar and a small bag of dried fruit, then proceeded to remove the portable shower unit from its case. “I’m going to rinse off some of this dust and sweat,” he said. And make sure the water is damn cold, a little voice chimed in.
/> She looked more interested in the shower than the protein bar. Rising, she walked over to him, eyeing the plastic contraption with curiosity. “You brought a shower?”
He nodded without meeting her gaze. “It’s just a collapsible plastic container with a hose and nozzle.”
“I’d kill for some soap and water right now.”
“It’s going to be cold.”
“It’s going to feel like a million bucks. How does it work?”
Buzz held up the plastic reservoir. “This holds about five gallons of water when it’s full. Weighs less than a pound when it’s empty. All I’ve got to do is fill it up with water, then hang it from a tree branch.” He fingered the eighteen-inch hose and nozzle. “The water flows down this hose and out this little plastic showerhead.”
“All the comforts of home.”
He scowled at her, trying not to think about five gallons of water sluicing over secret places he knew better than to visualize. “It’ll do in a pinch.”
“I suppose this qualifies as a pinch.”
“The casing is black, so in daylight, the sun heats the water.”
The mention of heat conjured images of the kiss. Damn it, everything seemed to make him think of that. When this was all over with, and he got back to civilization, he was going to find himself a woman and work off some of this frustration.
Swearing under his breath, he looked over his shoulder toward the stream. “I’m going to run down to the river and fill this thing, then shower up. Why don’t you go ahead and eat. Make some coffee. I’ll let you know when I’m finished. You can shower, and we’ll start searching again.”
She nodded, her expression going solemn again at the mention of why they were here in the middle of the wilderness in the middle of the night.
The urge to go to her was strong, but he resisted. He knew what would happen if he went to her now. If he touched her. She’d always driven him just a little bit nuts. Even after three years of marriage he hadn’t been able to keep his hands off her. Five years of celibacy wasn’t helping matters. Neither was the way those jeans swept over one of the nicest backsides he’d ever laid eyes on.
Turning away from her, he stalked toward the stream, praying an ice-cold shower would keep him from doing something both of them would end up regretting.
Chapter 8
K elly couldn’t believe he’d actually warmed water over the fire for her before funneling it into the bag. Hidden from view by nothing more than the thick darkness and a sleeping bag hung from a branch, she stepped beneath the nozzle and flipped the switch that started the spray. Warm water trickled over her, feeling wonderful against her aching muscles. Not sure how long five gallons of water would last, she soaped up quickly. She knew she would probably regret getting her hair wet, but the need to be clean overrode the prospect of freezing later.
Buzz had already showered and was back at camp. Occasionally, she would hear him blowing the whistle. He’d been on the radio to Rocky Mountain Search and Rescue Headquarters twice in the last couple of hours. There were half a dozen volunteers and Search and Rescue professionals sweeping a ten-square-mile area, but no one had seen her little boy. Aside from the candy wrapper she and Buzz had found earlier, it was almost as if he’d disappeared.
Buzz hadn’t mentioned the fire to the north, but she knew the news wasn’t good. The winds continued to whip southward. That could only mean the fire was being driven straight at them. She knew Buzz would never tell her that; he didn’t want to scare her or cause her to panic. But she saw the truth written on his face as clearly as if someone had printed it in big, bold letters.
She tried hard to stay optimistic. Buzz had taught her a lot about the importance of keeping an optimistic attitude. How important that was to maintain energy and clarity and all the things that would keep her effective and help the search.
At times, though, she felt as if every emotion, every nerve in her body was unraveling. It wouldn’t surprise her one bit to find herself reduced to nothing more than a shredded mess of broken pieces on the forest floor. She missed Eddie so much it hurt. She could picture him so perfectly in her mind. The freckles on his nose. The dimple on his chin. The cowlick at his crown that made his hair stick up in the morning. She could hear his sweet voice. Conjure up that ornery look he got in his eye when he challenged her. She could smell his little-boy scent so clearly she felt that if she closed her eyes and reached out he would be there.
At that moment, Kelly would have sold her soul to know he was safe. Even if she couldn’t have him with her, she just wanted him to be safe. His well-being was all she cared about. As long as he was safe, she could handle the physical and emotional stress of searching for him. She would search these mountains until she could no longer move. And she wouldn’t rest until she held him safe in her arms.
“Please, God, keep him safe for me,” she whispered. “Keep him safe until I can get to him. Please.”
Realizing she’d used nearly all the water, Kelly rinsed the soap from her hair, then twisted the switch. The water dribbled, then stopped. Cold night air pricked her wet skin. Shivering, she quickly dried with the small towel Buzz had given her, and dressed. By the time she unhooked the empty reservoir from the tree branch, she felt almost human again.
Almost.
Ten yards from the camp she spotted Buzz, sitting on the flat side of a fallen log holding a steaming mug of coffee and wearing a troubled expression. The sight of him sitting alone and obviously deep in thought stopped her in her tracks. For an instant, she just stood there unseen and unnoticed, staring at him, thinking she’d never seen a man look so isolated—or alone.
For a crazy instant, she wanted to go to him, put her arms around him to let him know that wasn’t the case at all. She knew it was a crazy idea considering the kiss they’d shared earlier in the day. The kiss that had left her head swimming—and her body remembering how things had once been between them.
The memory of the way his mouth had felt against hers filled her mind, a waterfall of sensation that swamped her senses and drowned out all other thought. She could deny it all she wanted, but her heart knew there was something real and profound left between them. A connection time or miles or hardship hadn’t severed. She wanted to believe she’d kissed him back because she was exhausted and over-wrought. But she hadn’t been aware of any of those things when his mouth had been fastened to hers and his hands had closed over her breasts.
The memory made her ache with a need she hadn’t experienced for a very long time. She’d dated several men since the divorce, even kissed one or two of them. Friendly, tepid dates that had left her wondering why she bothered. Nothing she’d ever experienced in her life could compare to the intimacies she’d shared with Buzz in the years they’d been married. Even though she was only thirty-one years old, she knew nothing like the relationship she’d shared with him would ever happen again.
The thought filled her with a stark sense of loss, a sadness of knowing some of the best years of her life were behind her. Kelly closed her eyes against the memories she kept locked away in that secret place next to her heart. A place that was warm and sweet and hers. She didn’t like thinking of herself as being vulnerable to him, but deep down inside Kelly knew she was. Today had proven that to her, and she was going to have to be very careful in the coming hours or risk losing a hell of a lot more than her control.
She tried to convince herself that the kiss was nothing more than two people reacting to an intense period of prolonged stress. A man and a woman bound by a child and thrown into a terrible situation. Intellectually, she knew it could never be anything more than that. But her heart had never been quite as logical as her brain, especially when it came to Buzz Malone.
Realizing she was just standing there with her hair dripping water onto her shoulders, she gave herself a quick mental shake and started toward the fire.
Buzz looked up when she approached. Even though he wasn’t a cop anymore, he still had that look about him. Back
when they’d first met, those sharp, serious eyes of his hadn’t bothered her. She’d loved him so much it hadn’t mattered that he was too damn brave for his own good. Then he’d been shot, and she’d realized only then that she’d made a terrible mistake by giving him her heart.
“I made coffee,” he said.
She jolted at the sound of his voice. She’d been staring at him again. Staring at him and seeing far too much. Feeling her cheeks warm, she handed him the shower apparatus. “Thanks.”
He collapsed the reservoir, then stuffed it into a compartment of his backpack. “How are you feeling?”
“Better.” Physically, anyway. “The warm water was nice.”
He poured steaming water into a cup then handed her the cup. “You’re shivering. Coffee will help.”
Kelly hadn’t even realized she was cold. Unable to meet his gaze for a moment, she accepted the cup then carried it over to her sleeping bag and sat down cross-legged.
The coffee was hot and strong. She sipped, anticipating the zing of caffeine. “What do we do now?”
“If you’re feeling up to it, we resume our search.”
“Have you heard from RMSAR?” she asked, wondering if he’d called his team while she’d been showering just in case there was bad news.
“Winds are still whipping,” he replied. “Twenty-seven homes have been destroyed by the fire just north of Norrie. A dozen more are expected to go if they don’t get it controlled.”
“Where’s Norrie?”
“Two miles north of here.”
That meant the fire had gained two miles in just a few hours. The coffee turned sour in her stomach, but she took another sip anyway. She was going to need the caffeine in the coming hours.
“You’ve got blood coming through your sock.”
Surprised by his tone, she glanced over at him to realize he’d spotted the blister that had broken open on the inside of her right foot where her hiking boot had rubbed for the better part of the day. It hurt like the dickens, but she hadn’t planned on mentioning it. It didn’t seem right for them to take time to treat something as insignificant as a blister when her little boy was huddled somewhere with nothing more than a stuffed animal to keep him company.