Buzz had been around the block enough times to know good didn’t always prevail. Even when it came to the innocent. Especially when it came to the children….
Shaking off the memories, he fought his way back to the present and relayed the new information to her.
She stared at him, her eyes wide and filled with denial and a measure of defiance. “Four miles is a long way.”
Buzz didn’t say anything.
“That just means we’ve got to hurry. We’ve got to find him quickly. Buzz, we’re close. I—”
“Kel, that means the fire could come roaring through here in a matter of hours.”
“What are you saying?”
“I’m telling you I want you to go back to the ranger station. It’s not safe for you up here. If the wind shifts or the leading edge of the fire moves more quickly than expected, we could get into trouble.”
She backed up a step, put her hand out as if to fend him off. “I’m not leaving my son up here.”
“Kel, if you don’t go back voluntarily, I’ll be forced to take you back myself. That’s time spent that I could have been looking for Eddie.”
“I’m not leaving until I find him. I mean it, Buzz. Don’t try to make me, because I’ll fight you.”
“I can’t risk your getting hurt, Kel. We’ve already lost two firefighters. These guys are good at what they do, and the fire still got them. It’s burning out of control and coming this way. I can’t let you stay.”
“I’m not leaving Eddie.”
“I can work faster if I’m alone.”
“I can keep up with any pace you set.”
Buzz growled in frustration. “I understand why you don’t want to leave, Kel. But come on. I’m a professional. Leave this to me. I’ll find him.”
She stared at him, stricken. “My God, how can you expect me to leave my child out here all alone?”
“He’s my child, too, damn it! If something happens to both of us, who is he going to have?”
That stopped her. Buzz saw the battle raging inside her, the battle between a mother’s instinct to save her child and the logic that dictated her own survival. When she turned to him and squared her shoulders, he knew instantly which had won. And he prayed it didn’t end up costing both of them their lives.
“I’m not leaving. I’m sorry if that’s not the answer you wanted to hear. But I can’t leave him. I can’t.”
Buzz stared hard at her for a long time. His first instinct was to fight her on this, overpower her if he had to in order to keep her safe. But for the first time in a long time, he understood where she was coming from. He understood the need to protect what was precious.
Feeling a new urgency pressing down on him, he slung the backpack off his shoulders and pulled out the topographical map of the area, then glanced down at his watch. Seven o’clock.
“We have about two hours before dark,” he said as he spread the map. He set his finger at the point where they stood. “We’re here.” He slid his finger a fraction of an inch. “This is where we found his tracks in the sand. And this is where you fell.”
Kelly looked down at the map. When she set her hand at the point where they’d found the tracks, Buzz could see that her hands were shaking. She looked up at Buzz, her eyes large and frightened. “He’s following the stream,” she said.
“That’s why we haven’t been able to find him. He’s been sticking to the rocks. That’s why he hasn’t left many tracks. He probably feels protected that way. There are lots of nooks and crannies he can fit into.”
“How far are we from the stream?”
“Not far.” Buzz pointed toward the cliffs to the north. “Just on the other side of that rock face. If he’s near the water, he won’t be able to hear us, either.”
She cut him a questioning look.
“The water there runs swift. It’s loud. If he’s stopped nearby, he won’t be able to hear the whistle over the sound of the water.”
“Let’s go.” She started to turn away, but Buzz grabbed her arm.
“From here on out, we move quickly,” he said. “No more breaks. We drink while we walk. I’ll refill at the creek. I’ve got some chlorine tabs, so we should be okay. We’ve got to push, Kel, and we’ve got to push hard. In another two hours it will be dark. Visibility may be nil by morning. Smoke will be a problem. If the fire comes this way….” Not wanting to finish the sentence, Buzz shrugged.
She was already nodding her head vigorously. “I can do it,” she said. “I’m in good shape, Buzz.”
Buzz knew exactly what kind of shape she was in—he’d seen the way she filled out those jeans and that T-shirt. Yeah, her shape was the one thing he didn’t want to think about it. He also knew that even if she wasn’t in top physical condition, she would look for her child until she dropped from exhaustion—and he wouldn’t hear a sound from her until her body hit the ground.
“Let’s go,” he said and started down the trail.
“Eddie!”
Kelly shouted for her son until her voice was hoarse. Buzz used the whistle every five minutes or so. It seemed as if they’d been following the creek forever. Darkness had long since fallen, but neither of them acknowledged it. The wind whistled through the treetops, carrying with it the pungent tang of smoke. In the distance, she could hear the rush of white water over rocks. It had been their constant companion since they’d started following the stream. There hadn’t seen a sign of Eddie since she’d found the candy wrapper, and she fought despair with every step she took.
Where on earth was he?
“Eddie!” she cried.
“Kel.”
“Sweetheart, it’s Mommy! I’m here! Eddie!”
She jolted when strong hands landed gently upon her shoulders. She’d been so focused on her surroundings, on looking for her son, she hadn’t even realized it when Buzz walked up to her.
“It’s almost 2:00 a.m.,” Buzz said. “Let’s stop for a couple of hours and get some sleep.”
“I won’t be able to sleep,” she said automatically.
“Then we’ll just sit for a while and rest.”
When she only looked at him, he grimaced then raised his hand and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. “Kel, you’re exhausted.”
“I’m okay. Damn it, I’m fine.”
“You can barely stand upright.”
“I appear to be doing just that.”
“Just because you can walk doesn’t mean you’re worth a damn as far as seeing what you need to see.”
“I can keep going.”
“What about tomorrow, Kel? What about the next day?”
“I’ll…we’ll have him by then,” she said, trying not to hear the desperation in her voice.
“You’ve got to rest or you’re not going to be any help to anyone, including Eddie. I want you sharp, not zoned out because you refused to listen to common sense. Come on.”
For the first time that day the heavy hand of despair pressed down on her. Up until now, hope and progress had fueled her. She hadn’t even been tired. But suddenly the lead weight of fatigue dropped over her with such force that her arms and legs were too heavy to move. Her feet throbbed. Her back ached. Worst of all, she felt as if her heart were about to break.
Turning, she looked at Buzz, saw the same bone-deep fatigue in his face, and she realized she didn’t even have the energy to argue with him.
“This is all my fault,” she whispered. “If I hadn’t gone after Bunky Bear. If I hadn’t fallen—”
He raised a finger, pressed it firmly against her mouth. “Don’t let me hear you say that again.”
“If I hadn’t taken him on such a long hike—”
“Don’t get into the what-ifs, Kel. It’s a waste of energy, and counterproductive as hell. You’re going to need all the energy you can muster in the coming hours.”
She knew he was right. But she couldn’t help but think that none of this would have happened if she hadn’t gone down that ravine in the first place.
br />
“He can’t be far away,” Buzz said.
“This is his second night.” Pain knifed through her at the thought of her little boy enduring a second night of hunger and cold and fear. “He probably doesn’t have any food left. He’s probably out of water. He’s going to be hungry and thirsty and cold. Oh, God, I can’t stand thinking—”
“He’s a strong little boy, Kel. Sure, it’s hard, but he’ll get through it. I’ve searched for children in these mountains before. They’re amazingly strong and resilient and smart. Even the young ones. Let’s just stay calm and keep our heads, okay?”
She nodded, knowing he was right, but still felt as if she was coming apart inside.
He looked around and pointed toward a relatively flat area protected from the wind by jutting rock. “Let’s set up camp over there.”
Kelly nodded, but she couldn’t keep her eyes from skimming the surrounding trees and rocks. There were a thousand places where Eddie could have taken refuge. He could have fallen and be lying somewhere unconscious. He could have slipped off one of the boulders and into the rushing water. Or the cougar that had left the tracks could have…
The pain nearly doubled her over. She stopped walking, had to concentrate on catching her breath.
“Don’t let your mind get the best of you, Kel.”
Startled, she looked up at him. He’d always been adept at reading her. She wondered if he had any idea of the terrible thoughts streaking through her mind at this moment. That she was frustrated and terrified and so exhausted she wanted to sink down to the ground and cry.
She started to turn away, but he grasped her wrist and made her stay. “Most people think it’s the physical strain that exhausts them during searches,” he said. “But it’s not. It’s the emotional strain that puts people down. That renders them useless. Don’t let that happen to you. I need you.”
The words echoed between them for an interminable moment. Nothing else he could have said could have bolstered her more. She wondered if he really still knew her that well. Or if it was a psychology thing he’d learned in the course of his law-enforcement or search-and-rescue training. Whatever the case, it worked, and she would never forget that he’d done that for her.
For an instant, she just stood there, staring at him. Seeing the man she’d married a lifetime ago. A man she still thought about every day. A man she saw every time she looked at her little boy. A man she’d loved desperately once upon a time.
He stared back at her with those hard, emotionless eyes. Eyes that were as cold and hard as iron. Eyes that could cut with the ruthlessness of a blade. But they were the same eyes she’d seen soften to smoke. His features were in shadow, but she could still make out the narrow slash of his nose. The stern cut of a jaw that was a little too square and a lot too uncompromising. The mouth that rarely smiled. The same mouth that had kissed her countless times when they’d been married. A mouth that knew every inch of her body intimately.
He wasn’t a handsome man, but the combination of features and the force of his personality attracted her as no other man ever had. As no other man ever would. She knew that in her heart. Knew she would never love another the way she’d loved Buzz Malone. It made her sad to think that that was behind her. That she would never experience again what she’d experienced with Buzz.
How could a man she’d loved so deeply so long ago still move her like this? A man who was all wrong for her? Who had turned her life upside down because he didn’t have the good sense to keep himself safe? A courageous man who would risk his life for a stranger, but wasn’t brave enough to bring children into their lives?
She didn’t intend to touch him, but the pull was too strong, like a full moon tugging at a restless sea. He jolted when her knuckles grazed his cheek. His eyes sharpened to flint, but he didn’t move away. He gazed steadily at her, unmoving, as if her touch was something to be endured and not enjoyed.
“Thank you for…this,” she said quietly. “For being here.”
His jaw flexed beneath her fingertips. “He’s my son, too.”
Aware that her heart was beating heavily in her chest, that she was standing less than a foot away from him with her hand on his cheek, she stepped back. She wasn’t fast enough to prevent what she’d known would happen next.
Buzz reached for her. “Come here.”
A current of tension went through her when his fingers closed around her biceps and he pulled her toward him. She knew better than to get any closer, but over twenty-four hours of psychological and physical stress had shredded her defenses. She stood before him, trembling, her own heartbeat drowning out the roar of the water fifteen yards away.
“Don’t cry,” he said softly.
She hadn’t even realized she was. “I’m not.”
One side of his mouth curved. “Must be allergies.”
She choked out a sound, a laugh or a cry, she didn’t know which, but it loosened something inside her. A shudder rippled through her when he brushed a tear from her cheek with his thumb.
“I’m just going to hold you for a moment, okay?” he said.
Unable to speak, blinking back tears, she nodded, wondering if he would ever know how desperately she’d needed to be held at that moment.
His arms enveloped her like a protective cocoon. Kelly knew they shouldn’t be doing this. Buzz was as wrong for her as a man could be. She didn’t want to open doors that were best left closed and bolted. She didn’t want him to get the wrong idea. She didn’t want him back in her life. She and Eddie were about to move to Lake Tahoe. There was no room in her life for a man who had put her through the wringer—and wouldn’t hesitate to do it again if she let him.
But the solid warmth of his body against hers made her forget all the reasons she shouldn’t need to be held. The scent of pine and the out-of-doors mingled with his own unique scent and drugged her like a powerful narcotic.
“Kelly….”
Pleasure quivered in her stomach when he whispered her name. Her arms went around his shoulders. She’d forgotten how muscular he was, how hard those muscles were. They felt like carved stone beneath her hands. He wasn’t excessively muscled, but he’d always been a giant to her.
Turning her head, she pressed her face into the flannel at his chest and closed her eyes. “I’m scared,” she admitted.
“So am I.”
“Tell me again we’re going to find him.”
He stroked the back of her head. “We’re going to find him.”
“Promise me.”
“I promise.”
In that instant, the wind whistling through the treetops and the rush of the water from the stream faded to background noise. Her senses honed in on the man who now held her in his arms. They were standing body to body. She could feel every angular plane of him against her, as hard and solid as the mountain upon which they stood. She could hear the steady thrum of his heart in her ear, as mighty as the rushing water just a few yards away. A heart that was beating too fast and keeping time with hers.
Kelly had forgotten how powerful those feelings could be. It had been five long years since she’d been held like this. Since she’d been held by Buzz Malone. He might be a hard man, but when he put his arms around her she always felt as if she were the only woman in the world. He made her feel safe and cherished and loved—even when deep down inside she knew she wasn’t any of those things.
His arms tightened around her, and an alarm began to clang in the back of her mind. She knew she should pull away. She’d lived with this man and knew how quickly things could spiral out of control. But her emotions were in tatters, her self-control hanging by a ragged thread she could only pray didn’t break. For the first time in a long time, she needed to be held. Right or wrong, she didn’t heed the alarm, she didn’t pull away, and she let herself be held.
Kelly knew fully that touching him like this—getting close to him—was like mixing gasoline and nitroglycerin. Buzz had always liked living on the edge. He made his living temptin
g fate.
She should have known he would be the one to strike a match.
One instant, they were locked in a comforting embrace. The next his hands were on her face, cupping her, pulling her to him. Kelly saw the intent in his eyes. A voice of reason called out for her to stop what she knew would happen next. But before her brain could send the words to her lips, he lowered his mouth to hers.
The kiss spoke of desperation and fear and the profound connection between a man and a woman who share the bond of a child. His mouth moved over hers, a little too quickly, a little too hard. He’d never been a gentle lover and his intensity had invariably overwhelmed her when they’d been married. With Buzz, it was all or nothing in every facet of his life, and that included sex.
The realization should have been enough to jump-start her common sense and give her the will to push him away. But the feel of his firm mouth against hers sent her thoughts stumbling drunkenly through her brain.
He deepened the kiss without warning. His teeth clicked against hers. He invaded her with his tongue. She tasted male heat and urgency and a dozen other things she refused to recognize. She accepted him, welcomed him into her mouth. He skimmed his hands down her back to cup her backside. Growling low in his throat, he moved against her.
Pleasure shot sparks through her brain at the feel of his hard shaft against the cleft between her legs. Need jumped through her like a jolt of electricity from a hot wire. Her breasts grew heavy as arousal coursed like liquid fire through her veins. The power of it stunned her, made her incredulous, disturbed her.
Kelly had never considered herself a sexual person. She didn’t need sex in her life, didn’t need it to be happy or to feel whole. But she’d forgotten what it was like to be kissed like this. Buzz Malone kissed her as if his life depended on it, as if her life depended on it and the rest of the world was at stake.
He didn’t give her the chance to think about it too long. His hands roamed restlessly over her back to her hips. Holding her in place he moved against her.