She smiled, never dreaming she’d ever be able to touch a man in that way without being sucked into past nightmares. He was just… so different than anybody and anything she’d been around in that respect. Those monsters never cared about her. And while Sade wasn’t exactly what she’d call a gentleman, there was this fierceness in him that wouldn’t allow her to be hurt. She believed that, felt it. Knew she was safe with him.
So what to do now? She was ready to continue on with their dual therapies. Helping him and herself at the same time. Her leading. Him letting.
Would be nice if she knew she were doing things right. Maybe she could ask him. Would be a good way to make those intimate connections. He was very good at looking into her eyes. Better than her even. Probably a challenge for him that he couldn’t resist.
She turned from the wall of glass in the living room and gasped at finding Sade leaning against the wall, arms crossed over his naked chest. Watching her. “Hi,” she flopped a wave. “I uh...” she tossed a thumb toward the kitchen, “cooked. Guess what I made?”
He took his time answering. “What?” he asked softly, staring intently at her until butterflies went crazy in her stomach.
“Lasagna.”
He waited a moment before saying, “I fucking love… lasagna.”
She bit a smile at the way it felt like he meant her. That he loved her. She lowered her head smiling. “Good. I’m so very glad you love it.”
“Are you.” He pushed off the wall and approached with a stride and look that set her heart racing.
She could only nod when he finally stopped just before her, angling his head at her. “The bed is cold.” She swallowed and fought her instincts to clam up as he stroked her face with a finger. He paused. “I’m scaring you.”
Mercy latched on to his hand before he could lower it. She pressed it to her face. “No. Not really.” She suddenly wanted to cry at the idea that he would feel rejected and not touch her anymore. “Please,” she whispered. “Help me.”
He stared into her eyes again. “I…”
She waited and encouraged, “what? Tell me.”
“Want to kiss you.”
“Okay,” she whispered, biting her lower lip.
“I don’t usually… want to kiss,” he said, seeming confused.
Again she nodded. “Okay. You don’t have to.”
“No, I mean… I don’t understand why I want to. When I never liked it.”
She smiled. “Because it’s me,” she whispered.
“You?” he narrowed his gaze as it roamed her face. “And who are you?”
Her smile faded as his mouth slowly lowered. “Mercy,” she whispered, closing her eyes as his lips slid so softly over hers.
“Mercy,” he murmured, one hand stroking her jaw and the other sliding behind her neck.
She placed her hands on his warm chest and his hot breath flooded her mouth as his lips pressed softly into hers. She gasped and without thought, her hands began to explore his silky muscles. They ventured over his sides and circled his waist then roamed up his thick back. He was so hard and hot to the touch.
Sade’s breath shuddered and he kissed deeper, his tongue stroking carefully and sweetly along hers, his hands roaming her backside with an urgency. She locked her arms around his neck, straining to get more of him in her mouth, tasting with an equal hunger, moaning her need for more. His hand buried between her ass and squeezed hard, pulling her up his body.
Their moans of hunger mingled, rough and delicate as she wrapped her legs around his waist. “I want to suck you… in the shower.”
His breath rushed out and he growled walking blindly with her in that direction. Once in the bathroom, he quickly undressed and Mercy was suddenly awestruck with his nudity. A mix of desire and fear throbbed between her legs and tightened the bottom of her stomach. He went into the shower and turned it on, giving her full view of his delicious backside.
She quickly undressed before she lost her nerve, assuming he’d turned to give her that opportunity of privacy. She hurried in and stepped discreetly to the right and waited in the corner of the steamy square, forearms over her misshaped breasts.
He began washing his hair and then body, with an ease like she weren’t there gawking and watching his every move, studying his every shiny curve and… large… thick… penis. Her mouth suddenly watered while the tingle in her privates quickened her breaths. She remembered what he felt like all the way in her mouth, how he looked moving in and out, how his stomach muscles—all his muscles stood out with the effect she had on him. She did that.
She realized he was staring at her and she jerked her gaze up from her fantasy. “Did you like it yesterday?” he asked.
She nodded, holding her arms tighter to her chest, her eyes riveted to his.
“Talk to me. What do you want?”
“You,” she whispered, not afraid of that.
His eyes rolled shut and his brows furrowed as he lowered his head. Mercy noticed at that moment that his penis… wasn’t so huge. What was wrong? Did she say the wrong thing?
“Suck you,” she said, hoping to fix it.
He didn’t answer at first, he just stared silently at her. “What else,” he said. “Tell me.”
His deep voice lured things in her she wasn’t familiar with but she was also afraid he was wanting something specific and she would get it wrong. Past memories that involved guess work and ended in brutal sexual punishment clawed at her mind. “I…” she blinked and cleared her throat, watching his face become a mask of confusion. “You wanted me to…”
“Say it,” he gasped.
His desperation stole the words from her mind and she felt her mouth trying to work, hoping it would just say it for her, remember for her. “You uh…” She closed her eyes. “I…”
His arms were suddenly around her with shhhhhhing in her ear. She trembled with a violence. “You’re okay baby. I’m here. I’m sorry, fuck. You don’t have to answer.” He stroked her head against his chest, an adoring and protective stroke that made her fears untangle from her stomach. She wrapped her arms around him, still shaking.
He turned with her into the hot water and they stood that way in silence for a long time. Then he tilted her head back and wet her hair, his gaze hungry on her face as he lathered shampoo in silence. His fingers massaged at her scalp with sensual strokes that brought a calm over her. She closed her eyes and let herself enjoy it, his soapy hands gliding down her neck and over her shoulders and arms. Then her hands were carefully cleansed, each of her fingers with his. He turned her into the shower and placed her back against his, his touch gliding over stomach and very carefully over her breasts, making her breath hitch. His other hand slid over her privates, barely touching the folds before stroking with a firm hunger over her inner thighs. Mercy opened her leg, wanting him to know she needed it.
His mouth pressed onto her ear with harsh breaths as his finger teased over her ugly nipple. She hated that he seemed to favor it and tried not to think about how it got that way. He made it easy, sliding his finger between her folds to toy with her clit. She whimpered and reached up, latching her arms around his neck. He abandoned her nipple and sat on the seat in the shower. Holding her hand, he pulled her onto his lap so that she faced him, draping her legs on either side. He looked between them and in continued silence, stroked his finger up and down her wet opening. He looked into her face. “Look at me,” he said to her.
She met his gaze, feeling dizzy, holding onto his shoulders. With a slow gentleness, he worked his finger all the way deep inside. She fought not to roll her eyes shut and just feel but she let the moans come, telling him how good it felt.
“Touch yourself for me.”
His words rumbled with hot harshness. She knew where to touch by now. He’d certainly made that spot well known. She even knew how to touch it. She mimicked his circular motions over the spot that was aching and hot, still maintaining eye contact while giving moaned gasps.
“Feels good
baby?”
The desire in his velvety tone and the slow in and out strokes of his finger was more than she could stand with her eyes open.
“That’s good baby, feel it. Feel it perfectly. Your pussy is so wet and the fucking smell is delicious. Did you know I like the taste of you? I do. God, I do. I’ve never liked the taste of any woman, do you know that?”
She rubbed faster circles, crying out more. “Yes, taste me,” she whispered. “So hot.”
“It’s hot baby?”
“Sade, yes.” Her mouth refused to shut now, it remained open with constant moans. “Faster Sade. Do it faster.”
“Fuck, Mercy.”
The angle of his voice said he was looking down as he moved in and out faster.
“Do it, yes, do it.” Her own assault over that hard bud filled her with a heat until she had that pee feeling. She gave a sharp gasp when it broke through, then shrieked.
“Come my sweet angel,” he growled, his finger working in and out so very fast now. She gripped his neck with one hand and bucked in his lap. “Listen to how wet you are, fuck,” he gasped.
She suddenly kissed him, thrusting her tongue in his mouth with frantic moans until the final electrical pulses subsided and all that was left was her repeated oh God oh God’s.
He suddenly pulled her into his embrace and held her so tight to his body that she could feel the pounding of his chest.
“Your turn,” she whispered.
Chapter Seventeen
His turn. Right. Sade gripped her head tight with one hand. “Fuck baby.”
She fought to pull back. “What? What’s wrong?”
He put his forehead on hers and shook it. “I don’t know.”
“Talk to me,” she said, worried.
“It’s gone.” The words rushed out in a whisper.
She scanned his body. “What? What’s gone? Are you hurt?”
“No, I’m not hurt, I’m just… I can’t…” He shook his head and she climbed off his lap. He stood and turned, confused. “It’s gone. I can’t fucking explain it. I think about you now and all my desire leaves my dick.”
She gasped. “What?”
He turned to her. “No, it’s not what that sounded like. I mean… I think about you and,” he put his hand on his chest and slid it around. “The heat is all here. I’m fucked up, I knew this. We both knew this, nothing works right on me.” He held his head now. “But how can I go from you making me so fucking hard I can come by looking at you to not being able to get hard at all? Why!”
She stared at him, her doctor look on. “When did this start?”
“I don’t fucking know.” He paced in the steam now.
“Since… I told you about what happened?”
He scrubbed his hands over his face, eying her. “Maybe.” But that was definitely when. Everything started to change at that point.
“Maybe,” she gasped. “My past disgusts you! I disgust you!”
“No, no, no,” he wagged a finger. “Not true, not remotely true.” She stared hard at him and he continued to shake his head. “Not that.”
“Then what?”
He shrugged hard and long. “Good fucking question.”
She yelped when he spun and hit the shower wall with his fist then shook it. “Don’t do that!” she cried.
“Why can’t my life give me a break, why can’t my body give me a fucking break! I finally find something I like, and want so bad but fuck no! Fuck no Sade, you can’t have it! Something good and fucking beautiful!” His voice went hoarse and he covered his face with both hands. “Fucking beautiful, you know?” He looked down, shaking his head. “Everything about you Mercy… is beautiful,” he croaked. “And I want it so bad, Mercy. I fucking want you… every last bit of you… so bad.”
“Okay,” she whispered around a sob. “You’ve got me,” she reassured, going into his arms and hugging him. “We’ll figure this out, me and you, right? Just like anything. We’ll fix it.”
Sade held tight to her. Held tight to the thing he wanted and his body refused to let him have. Fucking past. No matter how well he bowed to its evil wicked scars it never gave an inch back. One good decent feeling was too much. One decent normal desire was too fucking much.
Sade’s jaw tightened in fury and he welcomed the familiar power. He wasn’t going to lay down and accept that he couldn’t have what he wanted. He wanted Mercy. He wanted her even if it meant having her in his prison of pain and fury. Just so he had every bit of her.
****
“I got it!” Mercy’s sudden words jerked Sade out of sleep. She sat up and shook him.
“I’m up, what?” He reached out for her, not liking the absence of her warm body.
“I figured it out!”
Always the therapist, even in sleep. “What out? Damn what time is it?”
“Not sure. But you know how my body freezes up in fear?”
Sade reached for the light on the lamp and clicked it on.
“And how yours likes pain with pleasure?” she asked.
“Uhhh yeah?”
“Duh!” she exclaimed with a gasp of excitement and a smack on his shoulder. “Our bodies are tricked!” she squealed in triumph. “Mine shuts down in fear when sexually stimulated, yours shuts down when emotionally stimulated!”
He regarded her now up on his elbows. “How… is this exciting news?”
She gave a choked snort. “Well knowing is half the battle, I think? It puts us at least with what the problem is.”
“Maybe.”
“I’d bet on it, it makes perfect sense. Your body doesn’t know anything but pain with pleasure.”
“And anger,” he added, collapsing onto his back and closed his eyes. “You weren’t exactly causing me pain when I was having that pleasure.”
“But what happened in here Sade when I told you my story?” She touched his chest.
He looked at her and held her hand to him. “Shattered. I think.”
“Aww, that’s sweet. But no! It connected with me!” She kicked her legs with happy squeals and dove on him. “You like me so much you can’t get aroused!” She kissed him, square on the lips, still wiggling all over on him. “Oh my God that’s so awesome!”
Sade’s hands roamed over her, waiting for his body to get off to some part of this, any part of it. But the only response was his need to blow her mind with pleasure. “How is that awesome?” He gripped her exactly between her ass, pressing his finger on plump softness. Her sharp intake of breath gave his dick a shot of desire.
“Well maybe not to you but to me! I wanted you to like me like that,” she whined with the sweetest tone. And just like that, the heat left his dick and went to his chest. Clearly the two were in a war for her. Neither willing to share, leaving Sade the helpless bystander to his body’s mysterious sick ways.
He pulled her tight onto his body. “It’s doing it now.”
“It is?” she shrilled. “Oh my God.” She smacked kisses on his lips. “You realize what this is?” she whispered, smiling.
“What? That you’re crazy?” Fuck, what was she doing to him?
“No! That you’re crazy! About me!” she busted out laughing, and Sade grinned.
“Finally, something I can agree with. I am crazy about you.” He rolled onto her and kissed her lips, liking that he could even if it did nothing for his sadomasochistic needs. “Might not be the kind of crazy you’re thinking.”
She moaned softly under his worship of her mouth. “What kind?”
“The kind of crazy that isn’t nice. The kind that likes to tie you up and make you suffer pleasure. Maybe pain.” Sade’s dick got hard and she gasped.
“I felt that,” she whispered.
Like a flickering light bulb, it left as quickly as it’d come with her excitement.
“I think the key is to not want it,” he said, kissing her again, softer. “Wanting it to come sends it away.”
She stroked along his scalp with soft fingers. “You… seem not upset?
”
“Until I am.”
“A timetable.” She smiled against his lips, her hands roaming his back and bare ass now. “What if I… try a few things?”
He groaned. “In the basement?”
She gasped again when his dick throbbed then hissed in displeasure. “I hate that place.”
His hard on slowly left.
“But I’m willing to try! Geeze you’re so sensitive.”
He paused. “You think this is me deciding this? If it were me, I’d have my cock buried in you right now, fucking you so hard that you screamed until you were hoarse.”
She gave a light gasp.
“Yeah exactly.” He rolled off of her and put an arm over his face.
She turned to him. “How about… we mix it up a little? A little pain, a little emotion?”
“A little oil? A little water?”
“I’m willing to try if you’re willing. What do you have to lose?”
“Nothing,” he muttered. Except her. When she was tired of him never being normal.
****
“I think… it’s safe to say that I am very turned on with giving you an orgasm,” he confessed, staring at her tied to the table wide open.
She mumbled something behind her gag, followed by more emphatic mumbling that sucked the desire from him. He walked over and pulled the gag out. “Sorry,” she gasped, looking toward him in her blindfold. “I was just saying no pain no gain and then realized you might think I was needing to say something and so was… trying to tell you never mind just go on.”
“Only I don’t speak mm-mm-m-mmm.”
She bit her lip trying not to smile. “Right. My bad.”
“Are you comfortable?” he asked.
“Not at all,” she said. “Is that… do you like that?”
“In this second, yes. That could change in the next.”
“I’ll try harder to be a good student. Would you like me to call you anything? Like sir, or master? Teacher maybe?”
Fuck she was too adorable for this shit.
“What? Am I talking too much?”