Control. That’s what me being here is all about. I got transferred here because they wanted to keep me under “control”. But they didn’t. Since I’ve moved here I’ve had more freedom than I’ve ever had, when in reality it should be the opposite. Now they’re too scared to talk to me properly and are constantly on edge that I’m going to top myself on their shift.
So did I ever seriously contemplate suicide when Adam and his “friends” disappeared? Well, I had a quick look at some hints and tips but the coward’s way out isn’t really for me. If I did feel that my life was in danger then I’d just lay low here for a bit. And to be honest, Adam and his “friends” might be a lot of things but there not that dumb to come and try to silence their little “chicken nugget”. They’re a bunch of taxi drivers, not the Mafia.
Sandra’s sat down the edge of my bed for some reason. I look around my bedroom in case I can find a storybook for her to read to me but I don’t think it’s quite my bedtime just yet. Kate’s happy just to stand and observe but I can tell that the awkward silence is getting to her. Sandra looks at her for inspiration but Kate’s got nothing. That’s the story of Kate’s life. She’s happy to put herself in challenging situations but when it comes down to it she’s just not up to it.
Tired of having two morons stare at me I stand up and walk out of my bedroom. I know they’re going to follow me so I think it’s about time that Sandra got the piss taken out of her by The Others.
‘Ooh, look who’s got a new girlfriend,’ The Alcoholic announces when Sandra follows me in.
Sandra makes the mistake of correctly introducing herself and even I have to laugh at that one. I mean, if they wanted to know her name and position here then they’d just look at the I.D. badge that she has to carry at all times. That’s why Jack would be good at this job. He knows how to handle people.
Jack. Whose mobile number I have. Jack. Whose address I have. Jack. Whose trust I have. But I’m not going to treat Jack the way I treated Adam. For one, Jack wouldn’t fall for it. And two, he could come in far more useful in the long term.
Adam was useful for lifts here and there and to experience certain things but I want more from Jack than that. He gets mentioned by one of The Others but I don’t react to it. When they start suggesting that he’s forgotten all about me, and that I’ll never see him again, that’s fine by me. I want Sandra to be listening to every word and to think that Jack’s no longer going to be a part of my life. Because I can contact Jack myself now, he never needs to be mentioned in here again so Sandra never needs to know how important he is to me.
Sandra tries to “bond” with The Others by asking them what they’re watching. She already know the answer, and they know that, so The Biter says:
‘It’s inter-racial disabled gay porn.’
Sandra doesn’t have a clue of how to respond to that but she’s at least clever enough to attempt to change the subject. Of course, there has been the odd Key Worker who would have tried to discipline The Biter for saying that but it’s better to ignore it. However, the best thing to do would be to say something like Jack would. He’d say something like “whatever turns you on”. Well, he probably wouldn’t say that, but I know he’d have just merked The Biter and got the rest of The Others laughing at her so she wouldn’t dare try saying something like that again.
Instead, The Others are laughing at Sandra. Asking her if she shaved her pussy this morning. If she’s ever walked in on her son wanking himself off. Sandra doesn’t exactly help herself by asking how they know she has a son and turns to look at me.
She really is clueless. I’m not going to let her know that she doesn’t have to be in this room just because I am. There’s two C.C.T.V. cameras watching our every move so she can go to the staff room and have the piss taken out of her by Kate and the Key Workers instead.
But no, she’s staying for more torture. The Others are enjoying ripping into her and it really is something to watch. I’m not normally one who enjoys watching bullying but it was Sandra’s choice to come here. And I’m not quite sure if she’s going to be ready to deal with me. I’ve not decided how I’m going to torment her yet but when the time’s right she’ll get it. I want to go back to my room and text Jack, but I’ll let Sandra get tormented just a little bit longer. It’ll probably only be 10 minutes anyway before she makes some excuse that she’s got to leave the room when she’s really going to the toilets to cry her eyes out.
Chapter Twenty Seven
I notice that I’ve already got a text message waiting for me when I go back to my bedroom. At first, I think it’s not from Jack because it’s from an unrecognised number.
Thought I’d get a new number. Just in case. J x
That is clever of him because if they did start looking through my mobile then they’d know that I’d been contacting Jack in secret. But I still call the number instead of just replying to the text.
‘Just checking it’s you,’ I say, when Jack answers.
‘Everything okay when you got back?’
‘Yeah, I can’t speak now in case someone walks in. I’ll text you.’
He sounds disappointed when I practically put the phone down on him but we need to take things slow. If I let him talk to me properly then he’ll be driving back to pick me up to take me somewhere quiet to fuck me over every inch of his back seat. I don’t think Jack got involved with me purely for the sex but it’ll be a nice bonus for him. Of course, he’ll have to wait until I’m 16. I like Jack. I’m not going to make things difficult for us. But he doesn’t have long to wait.
I’m expecting Sandra to come and show her face. Kate’s being conspicuous as well. After all, Sandra needs to learn how to cope with me as soon as possible. If anything goes wrong today then she’s got Kate to run to for advice, but how is she going to cope when she’s all alone? When she’s supposed to be the one in charge of me. How’s she going to cope when Dan and his subordinate are here?
No doubt, she’ll be briefed about them two. Told who’s side she’s supposed to be on. It’s hard to tell who’s side Gillian and Kate are on with them. But that is sort of is understandable. They’re worried that it was going to show up that they hadn’t been doing their jobs properly. Sandra will be different though. She’s only got her preconceptions to influence how she reacts to Dan and his subordinate claiming that an investigation shouldn’t be taking place.
Now that I’ve met Lucy it seems to me that maybe an investigation shouldn’t be taking place. Adam and his “friends” got to know some girls. They were taken in by the girls’ seductions so introduced the girls to their friends. The problems only occurred when it turned out that these girls were underage. And, as in Lucy’s case, when they didn’t want to do certain things when the men were already horny. So the men had to get them paralytic with drink so that they could have their way with them.
Of course though, that’s not the reason why Dan and his subordinate don’t want this to go to court. That’s because they don’t want to intervene into the goings on of a certain community. Because if they investigate this then there’s other things that they’ll discover and then “human rights” start getting discussed and if that’s the case then Adam may as well get left alone and have his benefits increased.
Jack texts me again. I hope he’s not going to be like this all the time. He needs to learn that I’ll speak to him when I want and that all he has to do is whatever I tell him. But some men take a little bit of training so I text him: Hows Lucy? Shes lucky to have a friend like u x
Perhaps I was a bit harsh on Lucy before. It’s no wonder she’s a bit of a psycho if she’s been treated the way she has. I’m not normally one for helping people I’ve got no use for but maybe I’ll make an exception with her.
Jack doesn’t text me back straight away so it probably means that he’s thinking carefully about his answer. Perhaps he’s wondering about where my sudden concern for Lucy has come fro
m or whether he should confirm once again that he and Lucy are just friends and that he only got turned on today when he looked at me.
Because I put him on the back foot with the text I sent him, Jack goes defensive with his replies. So defensive even that we end up just texting random small talk back and forth. But I’ve got to take things slowly with Jack. Prime him for the long term. I don’t want him to think that his only purpose with me is to get Adam and his “friends” up before the courts and then we just go our separate ways.
There’s a knock on my door just as I’m about to text Jack about some holiday destinations I’d like to visit so I hide my mobile. It’s normally bad news if they don’t just barge in. Almost as if they want to give me a couple of seconds to prepare myself.
I sit up on my bed and pick up the book I’ve been trying to read in between replying to Jack’s texts. Instead of my door swinging open there’s another knock on it. I shake my head in frustration and go and open it. I shouldn’t really be having to get up so whoever’s behind the door better have a good reason for putting me out like this.
Mrs Robinson stands behind the door looking all prim and proper. I get the impression that she’s waiting for me to invite her into my room but she’s going to have a long wait. Because of my insolence, she has to say whatever it she has to patronise me with on the landing.
She’s come to gather information about where I’ve been today, but I think she misread too much into our discussions about Gillian. She’s now got the impression that she can just ask me whatever she wants and I’ll gladly tell her the answer. But I don’t work like that. I wanted Gillian out of the way so that’s why I opened up about her. I have no interest in telling her about today because I don’t want her to find out about my private life.
Eventually she gets a bit of an understanding as to why so many people find dealing with me a challenge and she states that she’ll be leaving me alone for the night. However, she does warn me that Dan and his subordinate will be in tomorrow and that they will have some questions to ask. I nod my head and close the door on her. I’ve got more important things to do, like turning things up a notch with my texts to Jack.
Chapter Twenty Eight
Sandra’s in for a real treat because they’ve allowed her to observe today’s session with Dan and his subordinate. Kate’s also managed to drag herself in but she looks like she’s on edge about something. I wonder what she could be on edge about? Oh wait, there was the incident were I spent most of the day out on my own only a day after her colleague had been suspended for neglecting me.
Dan’s looking like he’s managed to have a full night’s sleep for once and his subordinate has even found time to have her hair done. When they’ve finally said enough small talk they move on to interrogating me. Cutting straight to the chase, Dan asks:
‘Was your meeting yesterday with Jack Ford and Lucy Sullivan pre-planned?’
Mrs Robinson made it pretty obvious that I’d been seen out with Jack so I’ve had all night to think about my response. Initially, I thought that I’d just go along with the tried and tested tactic of not speaking but I’ve used that one enough. It’s got it uses but it’s very slow at getting results. So I’ve got to speak today. But only if I can lead the conversation.
‘Why didn’t you believe Lucy when she first made her allegation?’
‘I’ve only been with this force for six months,’ Dan says.
‘And that makes it okay, does it?’
‘Do you know why I’ve been put in charge of your case?’
To be honest Dan I’ve never really given it much thought. I’ve never had to waste my time thinking of you as a person and how your career might have developed during the time I’ve been dragged through the care system.
But then Dan says something that catches me by surprise:
‘I was the one who re-opened Lucy Sullivan’s case.’
‘Why was it closed in the first place?’
Dan doesn’t want to answer my question. He’s looking at me differently today. Normally he looks down at me like I’m some stupid little kid who doesn’t know what they are talking about but today it’s like he wants to talk to me on a level.
So I’m not sure what to make of Dan today. I’ve just remembered the last time I saw him I was being dragged to my room because I’d just been sedated. That certainly had an effect on Kate and Dan’s subordinate can hardly look at me today. Then it occurs to me, now that I’ve made contact with Lucy he knows that if I end up going to court and speaking out against Adam and his “friends” then what I say has got more substance, purely because it backs up what Lucy says.
I turn round to look at Sandra. She making notes in some writing pad but stops when she notices me gawking at her. She smiles at me when she looks up but I don’t return the pleasantry. Instead I return my gaze back to Dan. I’m still waiting for him to answer my question about why Lucy’s case was closed in the first place.
Instead, the old Dan returns and he sidesteps the question.
‘Do you remember the first time you saw me?’
Straight away I know that’s a trick question. He wants me to say that he would have been in this very room with Gillian by my side. But that would be too obvious. He’s a copper. In charge of a case. A very sensitive case. A case that could have serious ramifications if it’s not handled correctly.
‘Shall I remind you?’ he says, when I’m still deciding what answer to give. ‘I was the one who arrested Lucy Sullivan when she breached the terms of her restraining order. Do you remember that day?’
‘We talked about it yesterday.’
Dan nods his head and his subordinate opens some file. I’m expecting her to start reading something out but she keeps it to herself like she’s trying to familiarise herself with what went on that day.
‘What else got mentioned?’
‘You’ll have to be more specific.’
Dan wants to shout at me for being so insolent with him but he manages to control his temper.
‘Who’s choice was it to go to that particular part of town?’
‘Jack just drove there.’
‘Did he pass his details on to you?’
‘No.’
‘How did you manage to contact him then?’
‘Found his details lying around.’
Dan shoots a look in Kate’s direction and I swear she looks like she wishes she could hand in her resignation and go and do something more in line with her abilities, like stacking shelves in a supermarket. It really is laughable sometimes how inept some of the staff in this place can be. I look over again at Sandra and she’s looking very attentive, almost as if she’s determined not to make the same mistakes as Kate. But within a fortnight I’ll turn her into a nervous wreck. Unless she gives me what I want.
And what do I want at the moment? I want it acknowledged that I was groomed for sex. I know that’s not true, but I don’t want people to know that I use and abuse men for my own pleasure and then ruin their lives when I’m done with them. How would I ever get my evil way with Jack?
I also want to be allowed out to see Jack, and Lucy, at least twice a week. Lucy’s just the cover-up of course. To make it less obvious that I’m going to get Jack to totally change his life in order for him to look after me. I’ve had enough of living in the nut-house. It’s about time I started looking at the option of supported accommodation. I can have my own version of a happy ending from a Roald Dhal novel.
But of course to get to that stage I’ll have to make some sacrifices. I’ll have to start joining in with group activities. I’ll have to start being respectful to authority. I’ll have to start eating normally. But it’s all in the mind. You can train your mind so that you can achieve anything. You can make it look like you’re slowly deteriorating mentally. You can also make it look like you’re somehow recovering.
The trick is not to change too quickly. It’s less than a week since I?
??ve been presented with my escape route out of here. But it’s taken me over two years to get to this stage of my “phase”. I can’t suddenly become a fully functioning member of society by the end of the month.
Every time I was assessed by some doctor, or psychiatrist, I was convinced that I was going to get rumbled as a fake. That they would realise that I was putting it on because I didn’t want to live in a normal children’s home with so many rules and regulations, and staff who weren’t afraid to use their dominant side. But there was always doubt in their minds. And I was able to seize upon that doubt.
You see, what happened when I was 8 made it impossible for me to live a normal life. Whilst the truth never came out, I could never return to normality. I had nowhere to go except to wait for Mum to be released. But seven years inside a prison is a long time for anyone to endure. And seven years of foster carers, children’s homes, social workers and psychiatrists is just as hard to endure.
So I needed to make that time as easy as possible. I needed to keep away from everyday people because I had no one by my side to stick up for me and explain everything. When you’re only 12 or 13 you’re expected to have at least one parent in your life. But now I’m nearly 16 I’m more expected to have a boyfriend by my side. That’s where Jack’s going to come in. Even if for the time being he’s only going to be a substitute boyfriend.
Chapter Twenty Nine
I think Dan is going to subject his subordinate to spending the whole day here. He disappeared for a short while before coming back with some sandwiches and I even surprised him by eating a bit of Sandra’s when she offered it to me. I’d have eaten more but then it’s been too well documented that I’ve had eating “issues” for the past few years. So I’ve got to deal with this process slowly, with baby steps and baby bites.
Dan’s in his element when he tells me what he’d have done differently with Lucy’s case if he’d have been in charge of the police operation from the beginning. Let’s hope his foresight is as good as his hindsight because subtlety it’s a guide for what I’ve got to do. Lucy refused any counselling. Refused to speak to people from charities who deal with young girls who have been sexually abused. Refused to accept any of the help that they tried to give her just so that it would look good at convincing a jury scared of breaking political correctness that she was telling the truth.