“Oh.” Max reached for his mimosa. “Jason should be right down and Colton had to go pick up Jenna.”
“J-Jenna.” Paper bag, I needed a paper bag. It couldn’t be the same Jenna. Could it? No. I was being silly. Ridiculous, really. I clenched the glass so hard my hand shook.
“One more squeeze and I think you may shatter it,” Max said, his voice laced with approval. “Come on, give it a go, I wanna see if you could actually do it.”
“Max.” I released the glass and placed my hands demurely in my lap. “This Jenna, is she an old friend?” Guys talked, right? So Max, being a guy, would know.
“Not sure.” Max reached for a Danish. “I think Colton said something about her living around here. Yoga instructor. Very flexible. Hell, I dated one of those once . . .” He sighed with a dreamy, faraway look. “Couldn’t move for days.” I thought he was going to stop talking but he didn’t take the hint when I pinched his thigh. “It was amazing the way her body was able to—”
“Max,” I snapped through clenched teeth. “Not now!”
“What?” He shrugged and leaned over to whisper, “It’s just a date because you made up a white lie about having a boyfriend. On second thought, to say what you did was lying would be like saying Grandma isn’t imagining what Reid looks like naked.” He shuddered and took a sip of water. “Your white lie grew into an elephant the size of Canis Majoris.”
Panic welled in my chest. What if he fell in love with her?
“That’s a star, by the way,” Max whispered.
“I know what Canis Majoris is,” I seethed.
“Well, you flunked astronomy, so—”
“Let’s not focus on that right now!” I tried to keep my voice even. Laughter bubbled out from the hall, and then Colton appeared.
With my worst nightmare.
Hah, spelled it right in my head!
Take that, Jenna “Ugly Face” Urtin!
Yes, her last name was Urtin.
How was I the girl who got passed over? At least my last name made sense!
Why couldn’t she be fat? And ugly? And tall. Not short. Guys liked short. No, I wanted her to be a candidate for the freaking WNBA. Instead, perfect height, perfect pretty brown hair, perfect braces-free smile. Damn her! I slammed my fist onto the table, gaining the attention of every person in the room.
“Milo!” Jenna exclaimed, her face erupting with joy.
“Jenna!” I said in an equally excited voice as I clenched the fork in my hand, ready to wield it as a weapon if need be. “So nice to see you!” I clenched the fork harder.
Max reached under the table and pried it from my death grip as Jenna walked around the chairs. Awkwardly I stood without my weapon, and pulled her in for a hug.
Oh, great. She smelled good too.
“You look amazing,” she gushed. “And, oh, my gosh, is this your fiancé?”
It was on the tip of my tongue to say it all. To blurt the lie out and just be finished with the whole masquerade.
And then I met Colton’s challenging glare.
So I put on my big boy pants and went ovaries to the wall. “Sure is! Max, meet my dear old friend Jenna.”
I was counting on Max being on my side.
Instead his eyes widened, his smile turned deadly, and he pulled her in for a long hug—the type that screams, I’d like to get to know you better. “Beautiful, great to meet you. Any friend of Milo’s is a friend of mine.”
“Yay,” I said weakly.
I was in hell.
CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE
COLTON
Her expression? Priceless. I was glad that Jenna had ended up being a cool chick. Luckily she and Jason had a bit of a history, so when I asked her to come help me win over a girl and ruin Jason’s wedding?
She was all for it.
Apparently Jayne had burned a lot of bridges in her short life.
“This is so nice.” I laid it on thick. “So glad you two remember each other.” I winked at Milo.
Her hand reached for the knife.
Max removed every single piece of silverware within reaching distance, like she was a three-year-old ready to inflict self-harm. Though I’m pretty sure he was more concerned about her accidently impaling one of his boys.
“Jason?” Mrs. Caro called.
He and Jayne were the only ones who weren’t seated at the table.
Shit was going to hit the fan—and soon.
They stormed into the room. Jason smiling so wide I was afraid his face was going to freeze in place, and Jayne pouting like she’d just been told that her fur coat wasn’t real.
“Good, now everyone’s here.” Mrs. Caro looked around the table. “We’re so glad you could all join us for this”—she cleared her throat—“very joyous union.” She reached for her mimosa glass. “How about a salute to the happy couple?”
We lifted our glasses.
And showtime.
I almost felt bad for Jayne—almost being the key word.
“Actually,” Reid piped up, “I’d love to say a few words.”
All the color drained from Jayne’s face, leaving her a hideous pasty white, and then she flashed over to red. It was like watching a confused chameleon.
“Oh.” Mrs. Caro looked confused, but sat and let him take the floor.
“I’ve known Jayne since I was in high school.” He laughed softly. “She used to wear the funniest cat T-shirts. That girl had an obsession. One time during se—I mean during, uh, on set, she even meowed.” He coughed wildly.
Oh, my hell. Forget Jason, Reid is my new best friend.
“At any rate, it’s been such a joy to see her grow up over these past years. Jayne, I’m sorry we’ve grown apart, those monthly visits just got too hectic with my schedule, and now I feel bad that last month, when you called I wasn’t able to answer. I hope you can forgive me for not being there when you wanted to gush about your new sex—I mean, sorry, your new fiancé. But, hey, we’ll always have New York, right?” He chuckled and looked around the table to make sure what he’d said had actually had time to sink in. You could hear a pin drop in the room.
Milo’s eyes went wide as saucers.
And Max was filming the entire thing.
“I think . . .” Reid sniffled. Hell, this was a long speech. “I think what gets me most, is I think I would have been a good father.” He wiped a fake tear. “He would have called me ‘Da-da,’ and I would have chased him around the house, and I think, I think we could have been happy, Jayne. You, me, and little Anvil.” Classic. He wiped another tear. “Family name, I would have given him my family name, and now, now another bastard’s poaching on my land. The land I claimed, plowed, planted, and grew over and over and over . . . and over.” He sighed and took a drink. “And over again. Well, when you lose you lose. Am I right? So cheers to the happy couple. May you find happiness with your new family.”
Reid sat.
I nodded at Max, who mouthed, “Theater camp, bitch.”
Jayne’s mouth fell open and then closed as she reached for her mimosa and lifted it to her lips with a shaking hand.
All we needed was for her to take one little sip.
As if realizing what she was doing, she set the glass down and smiled happily at Jason. “Sorry, thought it was my water.”
Water, my ass.
I kicked Max under the table. It wasn’t going as planned. She was supposed to freak out, and we were supposed to push her over the edge by bringing in an ex, not make her commitment to Jason more solid.
I kicked again.
Max let out a howl and jumped to his feet. “I too have some things I’d like to get off my chest.”
“Abort!” Milo mouthed. “Abort.”
I ignored her and said loudly, “Max, that would be so wonderful. Gosh, it’s so nice hearing from friends and family.”
“Weren’t really gonna do the toasts until this evening, but—” Mr. Caro sputtered as Mrs. Caro smacked him and nodded her consent.
“Growing
up with Jayne—”
“Did everyone grow up with Jayne?” Mr. Caro asked.
“Oh, we went to theater camp together,” Max explained. “Back when Jayne wanted to be an actress.” He sighed. “Now look at her . . .” Heads turned as everyone looked. “A homemaker, just waiting for the little oven to ding so Anvil can pop out and cry ‘Mama!’ ”
“We haven’t discussed names yet,” she said smoothly.
“What’s wrong with Anvil?” Max asked midtoast. “My grandfather was a POW in Vietnam—his name was Anvil, you saying my grandfather’s name isn’t good enough?”
Jayne’s eyes narrowed. “Your grandfather’s name was Stan.”
“My other grandfather, the blind one with the tic in his right eye.”
“Oh, dear!” Mrs. Caro gasped. “Was he injured in a war?”
“No.” Max smiled. “Circus accident.”
“The toast.” I coughed.
“Right.” Max straightened and lifted his glass. “As I was saying, I too knew Jayne when she was a social-climbing little monster. Hell, even in high school she was always dating guys she thought were gonna be famous someday. I was passed over—well, that’s not entirely true. I had her first, then my brother.” Mrs. Caro spit out her mimosa all over the table while the ancient grandma suddenly woke up from her nap and began listening with a hand cupped to her ear.
“Speak up, Max!”
“SO!” Max yelled. “SHE SLEPT WITH MY BROTHER!”
“Who, dear?”
“JAYNE!” Max pointed. “AND MY BROTHER REID!”
“Oh.” Grandma fanned her face and waved at Reid. He hid behind a stunned Milo. Smart man. Smart man.
“BUT!” Max continued to yell, “ALL’S WELL THAT ENDS WELL! THAT’S WHAT GRAMPS SAID ON HIS DEATHBED! HE SAID, ‘MAX, YOU MARRY A GOOD ONE!’” He looked down. “And I’ve got her right here.”
Too far. He just went too far.
Max leaned down and reached for Milo’s face. “I’m so glad you’re not pregnant, forcing me to marry you before I’m actually ready for such a huge commitment where we fight over paying the electricity bill and make sacrifices like eating hot dogs every day while you clean out the baby’s dirty reusable, homemade diapers. It really, really makes me feel happy we waited and saved ourselves.” He addressed everyone at the table. “SAVE OURSELVES FROM THE PITFALLS OF SIN!” He sat and then, as if remembering he was toasting, not condemning, raised his glass and said in a chipper voice, “Cheers to the happy couple. May this day be the worst of a lifetime of happy days!”
Yeah, pretty sure he got that quote wrong.
“On that note . . .” Mrs. Caro reached for her pearl necklace and pulled. “Shall we pour more champagne?”
Glasses lifted around the table, all but Grandma’s because suddenly she wasn’t in her seat anymore.
What the hell? I looked around the table. Had the woman passed out again? I scanned the room and finally located her behind Reid.
I yelled his name.
But I was too late.
She launched herself into his lap like a rabbit in heat. There was no time, no time to save him. The only thing I could do was watch in horror as Grandma grabbed him with her freakishly strong hands and kissed him square on the mouth.
“Grandma!” Milo shouted, knocking her chair backward just as Mr. Caro was returning with the champagne. Naturally he tripped over the toppled chair, and the bottles went sailing over the table. Max caught one; the other knocked Jason in the face.
The dude was a freaking punching bag.
Once it fell from his eyeball, it landed on the table and popped, sending sticky liquid all over.
Jayne screamed.
The bridesmaids screamed.
Mrs. Caro started to cry.
And Reid was turning blue.
“Let him go!” I was leaning across the table and candles to pry Grandma off him when Max started hitting me across the ass.
“What the hell?”
“You’re on fire!” Cold water followed the beating; my hands were still latched on to Grandma’s shoulders. I lost my grip and grabbed whatever else I could find.
Which just so happened to be her wig.
Good ol’ Grandma was bald.
Screaming, I tossed the wig into the air.
It landed on Max’s head.
“HOLY SHIT, A CAT!” Max froze, like totally froze in place. “Milo, get it off, get it off, Milo, I’m allergic. Milo, get the damn cat off my head!”
“QUIET!” someone shouted.
Grandma finally released her grip, and fell backward across Max’s lap. The wig slid off his head onto her face.
May she rest in peace.
I made a crossing motion with my hand.
Reid had tears in his eyes.
Without saying anything I grabbed the champagne from Max’s grip and handed it over.
“JUST STOP IT!” Jayne wailed. “I hate you! I hate all of you!”
With a huff she ran off and burst into tears.
There really wasn’t anything left to do except lift my glass into the air and say, “Cheers.”
CHAPTER THIRTY
MILO
“So.” Max leaned across the sticky champagne table, his eyes locked on Jenna. “That’s a pretty dress.”
He was kidding, right?
Grandma moaned in his lap.
Jayne had just run out of the room sobbing.
My mom was crying softly into my dad’s shoulder while Dad sipped champagne straight from the bottle.
The bridesmaids had gone after Jayne.
And Jason had a piece of meat pressed against his swollen eye. On the brighter side of things, at least he wouldn’t have to make eye contact with Jayne when he said his vows.
“Um, thank you.” Jenna blushed. Interesting, I didn’t know whores were still able to blush after the things they’d seen.
Grandma moaned again in Max’s lap. He patted her head and continued his conversation with Jenna. “I just love yoga.”
“Great.” Jenna’s eyes locked on Max’s lap. “Um, I think she’s stirring.”
Reid flinched in his seat, his eyes locking on Grandma’s body. Maybe he thought if he stared hard enough she’d just stay that way?
“Up you go!” Max helped Grandma to her feet. “There you are, right as rain.”
“Oh, dear.” Grandma shook her bald head as Max handed her the wig. “What a rush!” She turned to face a pale Reid. “And you, my dear, the things you do with that tongue of yours—divine. I’m in the last guest bedroom at the end of the hall if you get bored.”
With that she grabbed a glass of champagne and sauntered off.
Reid went from pale to purple.
“Shit, he’s going into shock,” Colton murmured. “Quick, someone do something! He’s not breathing.”
“Committing suicide.” Max exhaled and closed his eyes like he was in pain. “By holding his breath. Brave little tyke, well, we had a good run, Brother.” Max slapped him on the back. “A good run.”
Reid shrugged, still holding his breath.
“Dude!” Colton yelled, then ran around the table and slapped Reid across the face.
Max whistled loudly and burst out laughing. “I think this is my favorite weekend ever.”
Reid cursed and started breathing again, though I was pretty sure he was still going to be scarred for life.
“Get it together, man!” Max followed up Colton’s slap with one of his own. “Forget Grandma—you have a bride to seduce.”
“I don’t know,” Reid croaked, licking his lips. “Holy shit.”
“What?” I leaned forward and placed my hand on his muscular thigh.
“I’ll never wear ChapStick again, my lips taste like ChapStick.”
“Huh?” I asked.
Reid held my gaze, his lower lip trembling. “I wasn’t wearing ChapStick.”
“Oh,” we all said in unison.
The scraping of a chair being pushed out gathered all our attenti
on as Jason slowly moved from his end of the table to ours, the meat still held against his eye.
Without words, because really what could the guy say—“Sorry my grandma took advantage of your man parts?”—he reached into his jacket and pulled out a flask.
Reid took it.
And drained the thing.
“Better?” Jason asked.
“Sure.” Reid’s voice was hoarse. “I may never be able to perform sexually again without Viagra and a prayer, but sure, I’m ready.”
“Go get ’em.” Jason nodded.
“You can do it.” Max seemed totally confident. “Just walk up to Jayne and let her believe you want in her pants, do that sexy look you do, and all will be well.”
Reid tilted his head to the side, still not talking.
“Bro, show me the look, show me you’re ready.”
With a grimace Reid stood. “Can’t, man. I may only have one look left in me and I’m not wasting it on my brother.”
Max reached out and gripped Reid’s hand. “We’re proud of you. What happens at the dinner table stays at the dinner table—now go steal the bride.”
“Roger.” Slowly he walked away.
“Well.” Colton clapped his hands. “This plan is going to hell fast.”
“Too many unpredictable players.” Jason shook his head. “And I would have never imagined Grandma would—attack.”
“Ever since HBO,” I whispered in a low voice. “It’s poisoned her mind.”
“Well.” Colton shrugged, then reached for the whore’s hand. “I guess one good thing has come out of this weekend, huh, Jenna?”
Grinning, she leaned against his chest and laughed. “I’d say so.”
I was cutting off his balls and feeding them to him if his lips touched hers.
“Ouch.” Max winced. “Could you please release my arm?”
“Sorry.” I let go and counted to five, so I didn’t throw a knife at her face.
“So what now?” Jason set the meat on the table. “We just continue to pretend everything’s fine?”
“Reid will pull through,” Max said confidently. “And until then we should probably go cover up”—he smiled apologetically—“your entire face with makeup.”