Nikki was the first one of us to talk. “You really won eighty thousand dollars?”
With dead eyes, I directed my answer at Myles. “Yes, I did. To save Cox Racing. That’s all I was trying to do, Myles. And you just destroyed…everything.”
Regret in his eyes, Myles shook his head. “I didn’t mean to. It just slipped out. I was so mad…and I’m so sorry…” Holding up his phone, he started doing something on the screen. “Here, I’m deleting all the pictures. There’s no proof now. You and Hayden…you won’t get in trouble with the officials.”
Wiping smudged mascara off my cheeks, I told him, “We’ll still get kicked off our teams. No proof is needed for the Benneti Ban,” I said, my voice warbling. “We were seen together off the track…that’s proof enough for Keith and my dad…who actually did see the proof before you deleted it. And you know what, if Dad brought this type of accusation to the officials about his daughter…even without proof they’ll probably believe him. You might have just destroyed my career, Myles.”
Myles looked away, and grief crashed into me. It was really over. I’d be fired at the least, banned at the most. Hayden would probably get sucked into my downfall…if he was lucky, he’d only be fired. And if that happened, would anyone else take a chance on him? I’d been trying to do something good, and now everything was destroyed…and all because of Myles’s vendetta. “Did you two call the cops?” I whispered. “Did you bust us?”
Myles and Nikki looked at each other before looking at me; both of them had pale faces and guilty expressions, and I knew what they were going to say before they said it. Nikki’s eyes turned glossy, like she knew this confession would permanently alter our friendship. “We didn’t know you were going to show up. When we arrived and saw what was going on…when we saw Hayden…you weren’t there. You didn’t get there until after we’d called the cops…and then, it was too late to stop it…and we were both so…”
Myles picked up as her voice trailed off. “We were pissed, Kenzie. We felt like you’d betrayed us…so we didn’t warn you. We left you there, right before the cops showed up, and I’m…so sorry,” he whispered. “I feel really shitty about that now.”
Nikki glanced at Myles. “I felt really shitty about it then, and I debated driving to your house a million times to make sure you made it, but I felt so guilty, I couldn’t even call to check on you.” Her eyes glistened as she sniffed. “We should have warned you…We should have talked to you. We should have handled all of this so differently.”
Myles sighed and looked at the ground. “I just wanted to get Hayden so badly…”
“Well, you didn’t get him,” I snapped. Anger and pain and grief swirled within me so violently, I couldn’t separate them anymore. “Hayden got away scot-free.” Barely. Myles’s eyes glinted with deadly heat. Even now, he wanted to punish Hayden. He always would, and I would always get caught in the cross fire.
Myles opened his mouth, and I knew he was going to say something I didn’t want to hear at the moment. And there was nothing else to say, really. The damage had already been done. Despair nearly choking me, I told them, “Last night was my one chance to make enough money to bail out Cox Racing for good, and you both took that from me.”
Nikki immediately stepped toward me, arms outstretched like she wanted to hug me. “Kenzie…I’m so—”
Stepping away, I raised a finger. “Don’t. I can’t right now.” You took Cox Racing…and you took Hayden too.
Turning around, I started walking away. I heard both Myles and Nikki calling my name, but I ignored them. I was roiling with emotions—I could feel the tears resurfacing—and I wanted to be alone when I completely fell apart.
Chapter 21
After the wedding planner helped me retrieve my bag from the dressing room, I hastily made my way to the parking lot. When I was finally inside my truck, I considered calling Hayden and telling him everything was over. I couldn’t bring myself to do it, though. I couldn’t crush him before I’d even told him how much he meant to me. And I couldn’t stomach the thought of losing him; of the two things I was about to have ripped away from me forever, Hayden was the one that would leave the biggest hole in my heart. Just thinking about never seeing his emerald eyes, crooked smile, or messy helmet hair had me struggling to breathe. Not being able to race with him, talk to him, let down my walls and let myself go with him…I couldn’t bear it. I couldn’t tell him it was over yet, because if I stayed silent, maybe we could squeeze in one last night together.
One night that will never be enough. I couldn’t hold back the grief after that thought, and laying my head on the steering wheel, I released every ounce of pain inside me with racking sobs.
I wasn’t sure how long I cried, but eventually the tears all dried up. My head was pounding, my throat was so dry it was sticking to itself, and my heart…that felt like it would never function properly again. I did what I could to focus on something other than the pain, but it wasn’t working. All I could think about was how much everything hurt—from deep inside my heart to the tips of my fingers, I ached.
Glancing at my lap, I noticed there were tearstains all over the gown Daphne had made me wear; it almost looked like I’d been caught in a rainstorm. I suddenly felt guilty. I should be out there celebrating Daphne’s wedding with my family, not here, hiding and mourning. I wasn’t sure I could fake happiness right now, though. Or be near my so-called friends. Or be near my dad. He was furious at me, and he had every right to be.
Deciding that I owed it to my sister to support her no matter what I was going through, I cleaned up my face and cracked open my door. When I put a foot down on the gravel parking lot, I noticed someone coming my way. My heart leaped into my throat as I watched my father approaching my truck.
Stepping all the way out of the truck, I took a deep breath and prepared myself. At least I could accept my fate with grace. Face stern, Dad stopped when he was directly in front of me. “What are you doing out here?” he asked, flicking a glance at the empty cars around us. “You missed the toasts and the cake.”
“I needed to pull myself together,” I told him. My voice was scratchy but, thankfully, steady.
Dad nodded, like he approved that I’d chosen to do it in private. “And have you…pulled yourself together?”
“Yes.” As much as I was going to, at any rate.
“Good. Then we should probably…talk…about what you’ve been doing,” he said, discomfort in his voice. “And we might as well get it over with now…while we’re alone.”
As my gaze fell to the ground, a heaviness blanketed the air. It was full of awkward tension that felt like sandpaper against my skin. Dad and I were horrible at opening up to each other. Or maybe it was just me. I was horrible at opening up to people. Hayden was the only one who’d truly cracked that seal, and it had taken him a while to do it. But Dad wanted to know what was going on with me, and I had no clue what I was going to tell him. Continue on with my lie, or confess it all? Either way I was pretty sure he was going to fire me. If not for street racing, then for that damn Benneti Ban.
Hayden and I never would have had to hide hanging out together if it weren’t for that ban. And I never would have begun the process of lying and keeping things from my family. Myles might think differently about Hayden if he’d been allowed to socialize with him. Nikki too. And maybe even Dad. They might have seen what I saw if they had gotten to know him. Everything might be different right now if that ban didn’t exist. And it existed because of Keith…and my mom.
Before the affair, there hadn’t been a ban in place. Keith just didn’t like my dad for getting him injured. But after Mom slept with Keith…God, the shit had hit the fan. I still didn’t understand how that had happened. How could Mom have betrayed Dad like that? Was Dad reminded of that incident every time he looked at Keith? A nonstop log fueling the Benneti Ban fire? Would Dad be more tolerant if Mom were still alive?
Lifting my eyes from the ground, I peeked up at Dad. He was looking ever
ywhere but at me, and I knew exactly what was going through his mind—he wanted to ask me about Hayden, about street racing…he just didn’t know where to start.
Clearing my throat, I decided to break the ice between us by asking him a question I’d been wondering for years. “Dad…were you and Mom…happy?”
Dad seemed genuinely shocked by my question. “Why would you ask that?”
“I was just thinking about Mom…and Keith.” A throb pulsed through my skull as anger surged through me. “Why would she…? I mean, how could she…?” My voice trailed off as my thought died. I shouldn’t have brought this up. Dad was going through enough as it was.
Surprising me, Dad smiled. “How could she step outside our marriage?” I could only nod in response, and Dad’s small smile shifted into a sigh. Shoving his hands into his pockets, he quietly said, “There was a time, Mackenzie, when I asked myself that question every day. I suppose the problem started after the wreck with Keith that…ended things for him.” Closing his eyes, he shook his head. “It was a stupid mistake, one I never should have made. I misjudged our distance, rubbed his tire as we were coming out of a corner…We both lost control, but he hit the wall at just the right angle with just the right force…” He paused as the memory swept over him, then opening his eyes, he continued, “Well, I’m sure you’ve seen the video. It was just a freak accident, but Keith has never seen it that way, and he’s never forgiven me. We were best friends, brothers, on top of the world together. I didn’t think anything could ever come between us, and then it did. Keith was looking for a way to hurt me after that wreck…and he found one.”
As Dad dissolved into the past, sadness clouded his features; it made me ache with sympathy to see it. “It’s strange what the mind holds on to. I sometimes forget your and your sisters’ birthdays, I sometimes forget my own birthday, but the day I found out about Keith and your mom…it’s like it happened yesterday. I don’t think I’ll ever forget it, even though I wish I could.”
He paused and his eyes grew glossy. The sight would have typically had me finding an excuse to leave, but I touched his arm in support instead. A small smile lightened his expression, and I was glad to see it. “I’d come home from the track late, which was pretty typical of me at the time. Your mother was usually asleep when I got home, but that night…she was still up. She was pacing our bedroom, and her eyes were puffy, like she’d been crying recently…that was pretty typical too.”
Bewilderment went through me as I tried to process what Dad was saying. She was sad? Frequently? In all the stories I’d heard of Mom, no one had ever mentioned that she’d been so unhappy. I’d assumed she’d been unsatisfied—why else would she have had an affair?—but never outright depressed.
Seeing that this information was new to me, Dad explained. “Your mom…she was never really the same after she had kids.” He held up his hands to stop the sting of his words. “Don’t get me wrong, she loved you guys more than anything, but she was…different. Sad…all the time. We figured out later she was suffering from pretty severe postpartum depression. That’s what the doctors called it, at least, but back then, all I knew was that she cried a lot, and nothing I did seemed to make her happy.” His gaze drifted to his feet, and his hands came out of his pockets to run through his hair. “I didn’t know what to do, so I spent more and more time at the track.” His eyes flashed up to mine, defensive. “That was necessary, though. Keeping the team afloat has never been an easy task.”
I nodded as if I understood and sympathized, but with every word, I felt like my childhood was changing, diminishing. Parents were supposed to be perfect, idyllic. But they weren’t. They were just…people. Fallible, like everyone else.
Dad gritted his jaw, and his eyes turned hard. He was getting to the worst part of the story. “Keith…that coldhearted bastard…he swooped in when Vivienne was at her weakest, her most vulnerable. He took advantage of her pain, her loneliness, and he tried to turn her against me, tried to convince her to leave me…just to pay me back for taking his career.”
His hands squeezed into fists so tight, his knuckles turned white, and I thought if Keith were here, Dad would gladly punch him again. After a moment, he relaxed his hands and his expression. “They both hid the affair from me for months, until Viv couldn’t take the guilt anymore and came clean. That night I came home and found her pacing the bedroom. She said she couldn’t live a double life anymore…she had to let me know what she’d done.”
His expression turned reflective as he remembered the worst night of his life, and his eyes went from wet to nearly spilling. I’d never seen my father cry before. Ever. Anger ate at me as I watched him try to subtly brush the tears away. “How could she do that to you? Even depressed, how could she sleep with him?”
Dad sighed. “It wasn’t entirely her fault, Mackenzie. I’m not trying to misplace blame here, but it was partly my doing. I knew she was hurting, but I didn’t know what to do for her…so I ignored her and what she was going through. Keith…he gave her the attention she needed, he listened to her problems, he did and said all the right things…while I buried my head in work. I hid while she cried…and that wasn’t right.”
His eyes turned despondent as age-old guilt filled him. It pierced my heart to see it. “Neither was cheating on you, Dad,” I softly said. “She crossed a line she shouldn’t have crossed. That was her choice, and you’re not to blame for it.” I bit my lip, then made myself ask, “How did you ever forgive her?”
A sad smile played across Dad’s lips. “Lots of therapy. And patience. And understanding. And communication. Vivienne was hurting, and when she reached out and I wasn’t there…she grabbed the next best thing. It took me a long time to forgive her, but eventually we got through it, and came out the other side much stronger.” His expression instantly turned to stone. “Keith, on the other hand…I will never forgive him for what he did. To me, to Vivienne, to you girls…to our entire family. The two of us were brothers once…He should have known better. Things between us will never be right.”
It was no great surprise that Dad despised Keith. I hated him too, now more than ever. The only good thing about Cox Racing ending was the fact that Dad would finally be free of him. We all would. “Why did you stay at the track so long? Why didn’t you sell the minute you knew about the affair?”
Dad looked out over the parking lot. “I don’t think I can explain it properly…there were too many reasons. Pride. I didn’t want Keith to think he’d driven me away, didn’t want him to think he’d won. Practicality was another reason. The track was perfect for what I needed, and sharing the expense of it with another owner was necessary. But…I think the real reason I stayed there was because…” His eyes drifted back to mine. “That track holds all of my most precious memories. My children grew up there, took their first steps there. You rode your first motorcycle there. I proposed to your mother in my office…I swear I can still smell her perfume every time I go in there.” He sighed again. “Even now, after everything, if I could keep Cox Racing alive, I would. Deep down, I really don’t want to close, Mackenzie.”
Heartbroken for him, I eagerly beseeched him to change his mind. “Then don’t. Take my money. Get a loan. Get a new partner…something. There has to be another way, Dad, there just has to be.”
With a warm smile, he shook his head. “I can’t get another loan, and while eighty grand is a good start, it’s only fixing a small dent in a much bigger problem. And as for another partner…aside from John, I haven’t found anyone who wants to merge with me…and John can’t afford it. Trust me, Mackenzie, I’ve done the math. There is no other way. It’s time for both of us to let the past go.” His smile slipped. “It’s time for us to let that part of your mother go. But the track isn’t the only place her spirit resides. She’s in all you girls…especially you.” His gaze turned wistful. “You look so much like her, it hurts me to look at you sometimes. It’s a good pain, though. It really is.”
I had to swallow about ten times
in a row after that. Dad looked uncomfortable for a moment, then he continued. “I’m really not good with emotional stuff like this. And unfortunately, I have to be your boss first, not your father, so sometimes, I do purposely pull away, and I’m sorry for that. I just want you to succeed. I want you to live up to your full potential, and not settle for anything less than extraordinary.” Reaching out, Dad placed his hand on my arm. “I can’t afford to say it as often as I would like to…but I’m extremely proud of you.” Frowning, he let his hand fall away. “And that makes what you’ve done so much worse. Street racing…? What the hell were you thinking?”
I was instantly battered with joy and sorrow. I’d finally heard the words I’d wanted to hear all my life…and they were laced with pain, because I’d betrayed Dad and our family legacy by partaking in something illegal and sordid. I felt sick. “Are you going to turn me in?” I whispered.
Dad ran a hand down his face. Pausing to massage his temple, he let out a fatigued exhale, like the weight of the world was on his shoulders. “Myles told me he deleted the photos, so I have no proof to back it up with…but…if I accused my daughter, the officials just might…” He paused to study me and my heart started racing. Is he saying yes?
After another second, Dad shook his head. “No, I’m not turning you in, Mackenzie. Without proof, any decent lawyer could get you racing again, so it’s not worth my time or reputation.” He cracked a small smile after he said it, and I knew he was actually happy to have an out. He followed the rules, because that was the kind of man he was, but he didn’t want to see racing get taken away from me.
Relief flooded into me, and Dad frowned at seeing it. “But please tell me that you at least understand how wrong what you did was.”