I did understand, and that was what made it all so hard. Shaking my head like I could shake away the guilt, I told him, “I do, I just couldn’t resist the money. You were so despondent after the fine for hitting Keith, and we were in debt so deep, I knew winning just wasn’t enough anymore. Doing something drastic seemed the only way to save us.”
His gaze turned stern after hearing my plea. I’d seen the same look in his eyes when I’d done something wrong on the track and he was about to correct me. “I appreciate the gesture, I really do, but it was stupid. There is no protection for you on the street. No caution flags, no inspections, no pit stops. But there are stoplights, pedestrians, and other motorists who aren’t aware that they’re obstacles in a high-speed race. Not only is it forbidden, Mackenzie, but it’s incredibly dangerous. You could have been killed, and I don’t want to bury another woman I love because of a stupid accident.”
He slowly shook his head, and his expression grew heavy with grief. It made it hard to keep looking him in the eye, and I let my gaze drift to his chest. “I’m sorry, I didn’t think of it that way. I just…wanted to save the legacy,” I said, peeking up at his face.
Dad’s lips slowly curved up as he let out a quiet huff of disbelief. “The legacy is you, Mackenzie. Don’t you get that?”
My eyes watered. I’d never looked at it that way either. “I…I’m sorry.”
Dad’s expression hardened as his calculating eyes studied me. “Yes, I believe you truly are sorry. But that’s the only part of this street racing story that I believe. What you told me earlier…I don’t buy it. There is no way you came up with this plan all on your own, and there is no way that Hayes kid offered up the information simply because you asked. What’s really going on with you and that Benneti boy?
I immediately wanted to lie. I wanted to protect Hayden and tell Dad that nothing was going on. That everything I’d said about Hayden being innocent and me threatening him to get into street racing was true. But my father had just poured his heart out to me, and I couldn’t lie to him. “He’s not what you think, Dad. He’s a good person, and he has his own reasons for being a part of that world, reasons that are just as good as mine.”
Dad grunted in disapproval. “His reasons don’t matter, Mackenzie. You can’t be with him—in any way. And you definitely can’t trust him. He lives with Keith, did you know that? He depends on him for everything. And if Keith tells him to slice your tires, he’ll do it. Without hesitation.”
“No, he won’t. He—” I snapped my mouth shut so fast I bit my tongue. He loves me and I love him, and he would never hurt me. I couldn’t say that, though. Dad would be furious that our relationship was that serious, and it definitely wouldn’t help change his views on Hayden; it might even deepen his distrust of him. And sadly enough…Dad might be right. While I didn’t think Hayden would ever hurt me, I wasn’t so sure about everyone else. I was certain Hayden had helped me win on the street, which meant it was also quite possible he’d helped Myles lose. I had no real idea how deep his loyalty to Keith went. Would he ignore a direct order? I didn’t want to find out.
Dad’s face hardened, like he knew exactly what I was thinking. “He will, Mackenzie, and that’s why…I have to do something to put a stop to this.”
I felt like the ground had opened up and was about to swallow me whole. This couldn’t be happening. “You’re actually going to fire me?”
I thought for sure he was going to say yes, but instead, he shook his head. “There’s only one race left in the season, and after that, Cox Racing is finished. Firing you at this point would be meaningless.”
He wasn’t going to punish me by prematurely ending my time with Cox Racing? “Then what are you going to do to me?” I asked, not sure if I wanted to know the answer.
Dad’s stony expression didn’t change. “Nothing. So long as you never see him again.”
My heart started pounding as his words sank in. He was going to let me get away with fraternizing and street racing? So long as I cut out the man who drove me, moved me, touched me, consumed me. Even as much as loving him scared me, even though I knew it was pointless, futile, and…even if I had doubts about Hayden’s methods and loyalties, being fired sounded so much easier than letting him go. “And…if I did…see him again…what would happen?”
With an annoyed growl, Dad’s hand came down to smack the side of my truck. “Damn it, Mackenzie, don’t push my buttons. Don’t make me sacrifice our relationship to save you.”
His voice was strained at the end, clearly pleading, but the threat still wasn’t clear to me, although the fear climbing through my veins was beginning to freeze me solid. “What are you talking about? What would you do to me if I kept seeing him?”
Dad’s shoulders sagged, and he seemed to age right before my eyes. “If I feel I have no other choice to save you from yourself, then…I will ruin your career. That’s how much I love you.”
For one painful second, my heart stopped beating. “Excuse me?” I must have misheard him. That was the only explanation.
His face sad but resigned, Dad said, “You heard me correctly, Mackenzie. Stop seeing that boy, or I will make sure no other team hires you. Not even Benneti.”
A dark laugh escaped him, but I didn’t find any of this amusing. “You…can’t be serious.”
“I’ve never been more serious,” he stated.
Rage surged through me so fast I felt light-headed. “You can’t do this to me. You don’t even know him. All you know is what other people tell you about him, and they’re wrong,” I hissed.
Dad paused a moment to collect his thoughts before he answered me. “I know you’ve changed. The girl I knew wouldn’t have risked her career and her life street racing. The girl I knew wouldn’t have lied to her friends and family. And the girl I knew wouldn’t be hiding in a parking lot instead of celebrating her sister’s wedding. Face it, you’re not the same person, Mackenzie…because of him.”
Everything he was saying was true, but none of that had been Hayden’s fault. I’d made my own choices, awful as they were, and most of them had been born of desperation—to help my family. I tried to think of something that Dad couldn’t argue with. All that came to mind was “I’m a better racer because of him.”
Dad looked away before returning his eyes to me. “This might not make sense coming from me, but one thing I’ve learned over the years is that…racing isn’t everything.”
He wasn’t going to see it my way, so I might as well lie. What could it hurt at this point? Tossing my hands out to the sides, I quickly stated, “I’m not with him. It’s just how I said it was. I used him, that’s it. Hayden means nothing to me.” Just saying it made a sharp jolt of pain reverberate inside my chest, like I’d torn out my heart and it was limply hanging by a thread.
I was certain Dad didn’t believe one word of my denial, but he smiled anyway. “Good. Then we don’t have a problem.”
No, we didn’t have a problem, we had a hundred problems. “Tell Daphne congratulations for me. I’m going home now.”
Dad’s expression shifted, and I could see the disappointment in his eyes. I wasn’t sure how he’d expected me to react to his ultimatum, but he had to have known I wasn’t going to like it. He was going to ruin my career? Because he thought I could do better than Hayden? Because in his mind, Hayden was just a punk who did Keith’s bidding. He didn’t know Hayden’s hopes, Hayden’s dreams, didn’t know about Izzy and her sick daughter. Dad hadn’t bothered to look beneath the surface…and he never would. It really was “him or me” with Dad, all because of who Hayden raced for. Goddammit. Why the hell did Hayden have to be a Benneti?
I started to get back inside my truck but paused when I heard my dad say, “I know you don’t understand right now, but you’ll thank me one day, Mackenzie. I promise.”
One day I would understand him blackmailing me? I highly doubted it. Sliding into my seat, I slammed the door, found my keys, started my truck, and left him there, alone.
br /> As I drove away, fatigue started creeping up on me. That entire incident with Dad had been draining. I had no idea how a conversation that had started out so heart-wrenching had left me so angry. I’d never felt closer to my dad than when he’d opened up to me about Mom, but now…it was like he’d dug a wide chasm between us, with only a rickety rope bridge connecting the sides. And I didn’t know if I wanted to cross over to his side…or hack the bridge to pieces.
I tried to stop thinking as I sped down the highway. The past was too painful, the present too bleak. Dad had mentioned sacrifice, but that was exactly what he was asking me to do. Sacrifice Hayden, sacrifice my career, or sacrifice my relationship with my father. How was I supposed to choose which one of those things I could live without? It was like asking me which limb I wanted removed. There were no good solutions to this problem. Either Hayden or my father was going to be hurt by my decision. And so was I. Either way, I was screwed.
When I got to my house, I immediately crawled into bed and stayed there; I only left to use the bathroom and brush my teeth. Maybe that was how I’d survive this. I’d stay in bed, hiding from my life. I just needed a day of not thinking, not deciding. If I refused to make any decisions, then nothing could hurt me.
I thought my plan was foolproof, until around ten at night, when my doorbell rang. Blurry-eyed and lethargic from doing nothing but sleep all afternoon, I groaned at the obnoxious sound but didn’t get up. That was when the doorbell started going off repeatedly, like someone was pressing the button over and over. I threw a pillow over my head to drown out the sound. When my late-night visitor started playing “Jingle Bells” with the doorbell, I finally tossed off the covers and got up.
I cracked open my door and wasn’t too surprised when I saw Hayden peering back at me; he’d wanted to come over tonight, after the wedding. Freshly washed with perfectly disheveled hair and a light layer of stubble along his jaw, he looked a hell of a lot better than I currently did. He was mouthwatering, and all I wanted to do was crawl into his arms. And that was exactly why he shouldn’t be here. I hadn’t made a decision yet; I hadn’t even tried.
Putting his hand up on the doorframe, he inclined his head as he studied me. “You okay? You look like you were wrestling a bear…and lost.”
Frowning at his comment, I shook my head. “It’s late, Hayden…you should go.”
I tried to close the door, but he put his hand on the wood and stopped me. “You haven’t answered my question yet, and this isn’t late for us.”
Sighing in defeat, I opened the door all the way. “You shouldn’t be here. If someone sees your bike…” I supposed that didn’t matter anymore. What the hell was I going to do?
“Then unlock your garage so I can put my bike inside. Unless you want me to break in?” He shrugged. “I don’t mind doing it that way…but it would be a hell of a lot easier if you just opened it.”
I hesitated, then stepped back so he could enter the house. Once Hayden was inside, he silently studied me while I closed the front door. The edge of his open leather jacket looked so inviting; I just wanted to slip my hands inside and feel the taut muscles of his stomach, sides, back; feel him wrap his arms around me. I wanted to pretend nothing had changed, even though everything had.
Instead of moving toward the kitchen, Hayden continued to stand there, staring at me. Just when I was about to ask him what he was waiting for, he raised an eyebrow and said, “You still haven’t answered my question. Are you okay?” I opened my mouth but he stopped me by putting his finger on my lips. “Before you answer, don’t try and blow me off by telling me you’re fine, because you look like hell, and I know you’re not. Just tell me the truth. Tell me what happened.”
Glaring at him, I yanked his finger from my mouth. “I look like hell? Thanks, just what every girl wants to hear.”
Hayden’s face firmed as he stared me down. “Quit deflecting. What happened, Kenzie?”
With a sigh, I ran my hands through my hair. What to tell him, what not to tell him? Did I end things now? Or did I keep it going a little while longer? Both options felt impossible. “I was just…debating…things.”
That was true. It was also vague and ominous. Hayden’s expression shifted to one of concern. “Things about us?”
I gnawed on my lip to stop myself from answering him. I wasn’t ready for this. At seeing my hesitation, Hayden let out a weary exhale. “Okay…it’s about us. Maybe I can help you figure it out.” Bending down, he looked me in the eye. “Keep it simple, Kenzie. How do you feel about me?”
Answering him felt like making a decision, so I tried to evade the question. “What does it matter how we feel about each other? There’s no future here.”
“It matters to me. You already know I love you, Kenzie. You’re everything I never knew I wanted. And I know we can’t…” He frowned. “It’s complicated between us…but that doesn’t mean it’s impossible. I’ll hide my bike in your garage every night if it means I get to be with you.” Leaning forward, he gave me a small kiss; it felt like an explosion going off in my brain, and my heart felt like it was growing and dying. Pulling back, he whispered, “So how do you feel about me?”
You’re everything to me. But I can’t throw my family away for you, and it kills me that I have to choose between the two men I love the most.
In my silence, Hayden reached up and stroked my cheek. “Kenzie,” he murmured. “Talk to me…open up to me. You don’t have to say you love me if you don’t feel it, just tell me what you do feel.” His lips briefly touched mine again, and I felt the walls inside me bursting open. I wanted to tell him everything I felt for him, I wanted to risk everything to be with him. I wanted to be his everything, and I wanted to tell him he was the only one who had ever made me feel this alive.
“I…”
I love you. So much, I don’t know how I could possibly live without you. And that terrifies me.
My words caught in my throat, immovable. Hayden kissed me again, maybe hoping to loosen them. Then his kiss deepened, and a soft groan escaped him. His hand shifted to my backside and he pulled me closer, until we were firmly together. As we should be.
His lips moved to my ear. “Kenzie…please…talk to me.”
Closing my eyes, I stopped thinking and let my heart make the decision for me. “I want to be with you. I want to be yours, and I want you to be mine. I…I love you too.”
The weight of indecision was gone when I opened my eyes. I felt free. I’d done it. I’d chosen. And now I had to live with that choice. But with Hayden by my side, I could get through anything. And my father…he had to come around eventually. If he could forgive Mom for cheating on him, then in time he could forgive me for this. We would just have to keep it quiet until I’d found a new team to take me on. It would do Dad no good to blacklist me if I’d already been hired.
Feeling lighter than air, I giggled as I threw my arms around Hayden’s neck. He was laughing too, and looked happier than I’d ever seen him. We would find a way to make this work. Threading my fingers through his hair, I spoke between tender kisses. “Let’s get your bike inside so you can make love to me.”
With a groan of approval, he scooped me into his arms. “That is the second-best thing I’ve heard all night.”
We hid his bike as quickly as humanly possible, and minutes later we were in my dark bedroom. A pulse of desire shot through me, hard and heavy. I couldn’t speak, I couldn’t think, I just needed his lips on mine. Our kiss was hungry and frantic, and I ripped off clothes while I pushed him backward, toward the bed. When I was just as naked as he was, I debated leaping into his arms so I could make love to him standing up. I couldn’t wait another second.
Maybe sensing my desperation, Hayden gently pushed me back. “We have all night,” he murmured. Tenderly grabbing my hand, he led me to the bed, then slowly pulled me on top of it. “You said you wanted to make love, and I want to show you just what that means.”
I frowned. “I know what making love means.”
/>
“Do you?” he asked, a smirk on his lips. Then his hand ran over my hip. The feel of his skin on mine was so wondrous, I closed my eyes. Lying by my side, he pulled me into him. As his legs wrapped around mine, his hand ran up my back, over my shoulder, and lightly down my breast. I gasped at the sensation. While he peppered me with soft, tender kisses, he whispered, “I want to worship you. You deserve to be worshipped.”
With all the things I’d done lately, I wasn’t sure if I agreed, but his body against mine felt so amazing that I wasn’t about to argue. His legs gently rubbed against me while his hand traveled over my stomach, my hip. He massaged wherever he touched, and I had the odd feeling of an ache releasing while a different, much more intense one started building.
Rolling me onto my chest, he ran his hands over my back. It was heaven. Then his lips drifted down my spine. Also heaven. His fingers traveled down my legs, probing, massaging. As his mouth worked its way up my back again, he let a finger teasingly slip between my thighs. A cry escaped my lips as a shock wave of pleasure burst through me. He left his fingers there, stroking my core, as he pressed his chest against my back and kissed my shoulder.
“I want you to feel nothing but amazing, because you are nothing but amazing,” he murmured in my ear.
When he turned me over onto my back, all coherent thought fled from my mind, and all I felt was desire. And love. Hayden’s lips started trailing down my neck, my chest. Soft kisses played across both breasts, over both nipples, then down to my stomach. By the time he reached my thighs, I was squirming with need, panting with lust; I felt like a caged animal, like I was going to tear the bed apart if he didn’t touch me where I needed him. His words calmed me. “We have all night. I’m going to make you feel good over and over.”
He softly licked my core, and my eyes rolled back into my head. So…good. Then he slowly worked his mouth against me, and that hazy oblivion took me over again. Nothing mattered but how amazing he felt.