I also felt like I was being held in check, barely holding on to the reins of my body. Hayden was standing just behind Keith, and try as I might, I couldn’t take my eyes off him. Just being in an enclosed space with him, even a space crowded with random people, was making it hard to breathe, hard to focus. Whenever I managed to pull my gaze away, I felt the heat of his stare on my skin. And whenever I did look his way, our gazes locked tight. His expression was carefree and casual, but his eyes spoke volumes. I want you. I need you. I love you. Let’s go somewhere private so I can show you.
But I couldn’t cave here and allow our nightly visits to continue. Not when we were surrounded by gossiping racers who might let something slip to Keith or my father. We were effectively cut off from each other until we were back at home. It was torture.
My father watched me like a hawk throughout the entire meeting, and when we were finally freed for the afternoon, he grabbed my arm to keep me next to him. Irritated, I bit out, “I was just going to ask Nikki if she needed help setting up. If you don’t believe me, you can call her in five minutes.”
From the way his eyes narrowed, I could tell Dad didn’t like my tone. Behind him I could see Hayden watching us with a concerned expression on his face. Hayden still didn’t know that Dad knew about us…and that Dad thought we were firmly in the past. Hayden was probably worried that I was in trouble for something. I would be, if Dad knew the truth.
Releasing my arm, Dad told me, “This is the last race, your last chance to impress people. Two teams have approached me about picking you up, and they’re both good teams—Excess and YTK. Do well today, and you might have a shot with them.”
I knew both of those teams, and Dad was right, they were good. They were also both based on the East Coast, which meant I would be living thousands of miles away from Hayden during the training season…and for me, that was most of the year. “Those two are my best options? So you want me to live in North Carolina or Virginia? I’ll be on the other side of the country from you. From everyone I care about.”
Dad’s lip quirked, and I knew he was wondering just who I cared about. “Don’t be dramatic, Mackenzie. It’s part of the job. A part you haven’t had to experience up until this point, since you came into the sport with connections. But trust me, everyone pays their dues, and they pay them gladly, because there are thousands of people who will take their place in an instant if they aren’t willing to sacrifice for it.” He turned as if he was finished, but then he looked back at me. “This is the way it will be, Mackenzie, or it won’t be any way at all.”
He walked away after his ominous words, and I clenched my hands into tight fists. Hayden was still watching the exchange, still curious and worried. I was seething as I felt Dad’s trap closing around me. So, this was his master plan to keep me from Hayden? Place me on a team on the other side of the country from him? Had that been his goal all along, or was it just a precaution, in case I hadn’t followed his command about never seeing Hayden again? Dad had screwed me, either way. If I wanted to move forward, one way or the other, I would have to do it without Hayden. Because it was clear from Dad’s last remark that if I turned down either of the two teams he’d picked out and struck out on my own to find one closer, he’d begin the process of blacklisting me, and I was positive that he still had the power and influence to do it. Dad was painting me into a corner, then building a wall around that corner to keep me fenced in. There was no way out of this trap, not if I wanted to keep racing. One day I would understand, my ass. Fuck you, Dad. I will never understand this.
Glancing over to the other side of the room, I saw Hayden giving me I want to talk to you eyes, but I couldn’t talk to him about this. I couldn’t talk to him about anything while we were here. I faked a brief smile, hoping that would placate him for now. He didn’t seem to buy it, but Keith was calling for him, and Hayden had no choice but to follow.
When I finally left to return to my so-called team, I was still infuriated. I ran into Myles along the way, looking soulful and apologetic; it didn’t improve my mood one bit. He had flown out with the crew to schmooze for a new team too, but unlike me, Myles was free to make arrangements with any team he wanted. He just had to convince them that he was healthy, and that missing almost an entire season hadn’t hurt him in any way. Normally, I would have helped him out however I could, but right now, Myles was about the last person I wanted to see.
He started walking my way, and I immediately spun on my heel and started walking the other way. Hurrying to catch up to me, he shouted, “Come on, Kenzie. Don’t do this! Someday you’re going to have to talk to me, it might as well be today.” I’d made peace with Nikki, but I hadn’t gotten there with Myles yet; his betrayal went so much deeper, and hurt so much more.
I wasn’t in the mood to try to fix it now, so I walked even faster. Catching up to me, Myles grabbed my arm. Glaring at where we were connected, I snarled, “Let me go, Myles.”
Letting his fingers fall from my arm, he tossed his hands out to his sides. “Then talk to me. I said I was sorry a million times, Kenzie. What more do you want?” he asked, looking exasperated.
Between the conversation with Dad and the look on his face, I couldn’t hold back my anger anymore. “Because of you, Dad is sending me three thousand miles away next year. I was trying to keep my family together, and instead, I’m being driven away. And there is no apology that will make up for that fact!”
Myles’s eyes widened as he gaped at me. “Three thousand…?” His eyebrows bunched in confusion. “You don’t have to go where he sends you, Kenzie. Come with me. I’m going to talk to a couple teams today, and one of them is based in California. I’m sure they’d take you. You’re amazing.”
My eyes pricked with angry, pain-filled tears. “I can’t. Dad won’t let me deviate from the path he’s chosen for me. If I try…he’ll ruin me.”
His earlier shock was nothing compared to how he looked now. Looking around, he leaned in and whispered, “Is this because of Hayden? Because I said you guys were hooking up? I’ll tell him I was wrong. That I was just guessing, and I was wrong.”
For the first time in a long time, his comment made me smile; there was no joy in the movement, though. “I appreciate that, Myles, I really do…but it’s too late. He believed you, and it’s too late. And besides…you were right. I was hooking up with him. I love him and I can’t be with him.” Not without paying a very hefty price.
The look on Myles’s face was a mixture of anger, disbelief, and pain. But then, finally, he seemed to decide that our friendship was what mattered here. “I’m…so sorry, Kenzie. I can’t say I understand…but I’m sorry you can’t be with him.”
I could feel the tears building, and I did not want to cry here. “If you truly are sorry, then you won’t breathe a word of that to anyone.” Myles clenched his teeth together so hard, I heard them grinding, but he nodded. Once I had his word, I immediately excused myself. “I’m going to go talk to Nikki, check on the bikes. The race is starting soon.”
Myles looked like he wanted to hug me or something, so I left him there as quickly as I could. All this emotional weight being put on me right before the race wasn’t helping things at all. But I supposed the race didn’t really matter anymore—my fate was already sealed, regardless of my standings.
When I got to the garage where the bikes were being held, I looked around for a crew member. The place looked empty, but someone had to be here. “Nikki? You in here? I need to talk to you…You’re not gonna believe what my dad just said.”
No one answered me, but a telltale clang of metal hitting the ground told me where she was. Hoping she had some sort of advice for me, I moved in her direction. “Dad’s really crossed the line this time, and I have no idea how I’m going to—”
I lost my voice as I turned a corner and saw something I never thought I would see. Hayden was crouching beside one of my bikes. He had a wrench in his hand and he was fiddling with the engine. Oh my God…he really had been the on
e tampering with bikes. And now he was messing with mine…
Hayden’s face went deathly white when he snapped his eyes to mine. “Holy shit,” I muttered, slowly backing away.
Dropping the wrench, Hayden shot to his feet. “It’s not what you think, Kenzie.”
He took a step toward me and I held a hand out. “No, it’s worse. I was contemplating throwing it all away for you—my career, my family…everything. And you’ve been messing with riders? My father and Myles were right all along…” My vision started fluctuating, my heart started racing. I was going to pass out. Or vomit. Maybe both.
Hayden violently shook his head. “No, they’re not right about me. I’m not doing anything, I promise.”
He grabbed my forearms to keep me from running away, and I was too stunned to yank free. “I thought they might be right,” I said, dazed. “After I kept winning on the street, even when I shouldn’t have won…I thought maybe they were right. And I really didn’t know how to feel about that. But I never thought you’d hurt me. I never thought you’d mess with me.”
I finally snapped out of it enough to yank my arms free. Hayden looked like he was beginning to panic. Running his hands through his hair, he repeated, “I’m not doing anything. Please, Kenzie, you’ve got to believe me. I said I’d never hurt you and I meant it.” He tried to put his arms around me and I pushed him away.
“Then what the hell are you doing here?” I yelled. I felt like the cement beneath me was turning into quicksand. Everything I’d believed was wrong.
“I’m trying to fix something!” he shouted, then he pulled some sort of device from his pocket.
“What is that?” I asked, feeling cold all over.
He curled his fingers around it in a tight grip. “Something that shouldn’t be on your bike.” There was anger in his voice and rage in his eyes. “I promise I’m not involved with what’s going on, Kenzie.”
My heart began to thud. “But something is going on…and you have something to do with it, don’t you?”
Closing his eyes, he gritted his jaw. “I can’t…I wasn’t sure…” When he reopened his eyes, they were worn, haggard. “I can’t explain, I just need you to believe that I would never hurt you.”
“Would you hurt Myles, though? Did you…hurt Myles?” My throat felt so dry, every word was hard to say.
Hayden’s face fell, like he’d been hoping I wouldn’t ask that. “Not intentionally,” he whispered.
The walls that Hayden had been coaxing open inside me snapped shut so hard, I hunched over from the blow. Hayden stepped forward, like he was going to help me, and I raised my hands again to hold him back. “Get away from me.”
“Kenzie, please…”
My entire body started shaking. “No…I don’t want to hear it, just get the hell away from me.”
“Goddammit, Kenzie, don’t do this. Let me explain!”
Rage, pain, and betrayal were swirling within me so ferociously that I knew if he didn’t leave, I was going to pick up a screwdriver and start pummeling him with it. “Leave me the fuck alone!” I yelled.
Expression tight, he started backing away. “Fine, I’ll go. We’ll talk about this some other time.”
“There is no other time between us, Hayden. We’re done.” The anger in my belly kept that statement from hurting, but I knew it would catch up with me later. I didn’t have a choice, though. I couldn’t trust him, that much was clear now, so I definitely couldn’t throw away everything to be with him.
Hayden opened his mouth to say something, then we both heard the door to the garage being opened. Looking frustrated, Hayden glanced at me before turning and running out a second door in the back corner of the room—a door that had been locked this morning.
John walked in a few moments later, a thirty-two-ounce cup of soda and a tray of gooey nachos in his hands. He stopped when he spotted me standing among the bikes. “Mackenzie…I was just…” He sighed. “Don’t tell your dad I left the bikes alone. My wife won’t let me eat this crap, and she’s got everyone spying on me for her. Events like this are the only time I can indulge…”
My only response to his explanation of why the bikes were alone was a wave of my hand. I didn’t care. About anything. Everything was over.
As I prepared myself for the race, every single part of me felt numb. I couldn’t believe that after everything I’d done to keep him, it was just…over. I debated going to my father and telling him everything I knew about Hayden. I debated contacting the officials and squealing about what I’d just seen. And I even debated not racing, and just letting the season end. But the thought of actually doing any of those things made me feel sick, so I didn’t. Instead, I spent an exorbitant amount of time staring at the ring Hayden had given me. As I mentally traced the three looping infinity symbols, I wondered if he had ever been honest with me. Had I meant something to Hayden, or was I just another race to conquer?
My cell phone went off four times in a row as I stared at the silver ring in my hand. Since I was positive it was Hayden each time, I let every call go to voice mail. Whatever he felt he had to say to me, whatever weak-ass excuse he’d dreamed up, he could leave it in a message. And maybe five years from now, when I no longer felt enraged with betrayal, I’d listen to it. Better make that ten years from now.
“You okay, Kenzie? You usually answer your phone when someone calls it.”
I looked over my shoulder to see Nikki staring at me with dark eyes full of concern. I hadn’t had a chance to tell her about the most recent trap my dad had set for me, but now it seemed pointless to be upset about it. Going to a team on the other side of the country sounded like a great idea. “Yeah, it’s just…it’s the last time I’ll be racing for Cox Racing. I’m trying to take it all in.”
The truth of that statement didn’t hit me until I said it out loud. Then it just about knocked me over. Pain squeezed my chest as I let the finality of it flow through me. It was the end of my family’s business. From now on, no matter where I ended up, I would be racing for a stranger.
Nikki looked equally upset. “I know what you mean. Cox Racing was the only team I wanted to work for when I was in tech school. Then when I graduated and got the job…it was like a dream come true. And now it’s over. I still can’t believe it.”
The crack in my heart that Nikki had unknowingly opened was eating away at my shell of numbness. I’d never get through the race if I let my emotions take over, so shoving them into the background, I told her, “I’ll worry about all that tomorrow. Today, I just want to do the best I can.”
Nikki threw on a proud smile while my thoughts churned. “You’re gonna knock ’em dead, Kenzie. Every team will be trying to snatch you up. I just hope I end up somewhere close to you. And Myles.”
A tear fell from her eye, and she quickly brushed it aside and busied herself with work. Setting the ring inside my bag, I did the same. It hurt too much to think about everything I would soon be leaving behind—my family, my friends…my home.
A little while later, I was in the grid box waiting for the lights to change. I tried to keep my focus straight ahead of me, tried to ignore every rider around me, but I couldn’t control myself any longer. I glanced over at Hayden, a couple of spots behind me, and butterflies swirled in my chest, making me feel like a giddy child again. But these butterflies had wings tipped with razor blades, and each flutter sliced me open. I couldn’t see his expression through his helmet, but I felt like I could hear him in my mind. Don’t end this yet. Let me explain. There was nothing to explain, though. He was guilty, plain and simple. I forced my eyes to the front, to my future, whatever that might be now.
When the light changed and the bikes around me started roaring to life, I took off. And even though I was in front of Hayden, I was pushing hard to get away from myself more than anyone else. I didn’t want to miss Hayden, but I already did. I didn’t want to think about him one way or another, but I couldn’t stop picturing our many moments together. I was in the middle of a race,
for God’s sake; I didn’t have time for this shit! Why couldn’t I just shut my feelings off and go back to a time when I didn’t know Hayden existed? I’d been happy then, blissfully ignorant of all the feelings he would pull from me, of all the pain he would cultivate. But I might as well ask the concrete to not be so hard, ask the ocean to not be so wet, or ask the sky to not be so vast.
Why did anyone put their heart out there, where it could, and most likely would, be ripped to shreds? There was a gaping hole inside me, an emptiness that even living out my childhood dream couldn’t quite fill. Like an eclipse, I was sunny and bright around the edges, but dark and hollow in the center. It hurts. So much.
I needed to stop this and focus. I still had a job to do. Leaning over my bike, I allowed myself to pretend that this was the first race, and I had a bone to pick with him. Beat Hayden, beat everyone. I shoved my heartache to the back of my mind, and a flood of endorphins rushed over me, drowning me in the thrill of the moment. The powerful engine roaring with life propelled me forward. The road raced beneath my feet, the bike hummed with need and energy, and the landscape blurred past at a dizzying pace in my peripheral vision. Yes. This was peace.
Lap after lap, turn after turn, I focused only on the road and passing the person in front of me. Riders and colors merged into one, and suddenly, everyone I chased was the same person—Hayden. I didn’t worry about what that meant as I dipped lower in the turns, my knee pads barely skimming the ground. I pushed myself and my bike to the absolute limits, and all I heard was the blood rushing through my ears and my breath, loud in the enclosure of my helmet.
It was a tight race, and a little after the halfway mark, there was still no clear leader. At least fifteen of us were closely clumped together, fighting it out for the top spot. This one was going to go down to the wire. The group of us were heading into a series of S-curves. Arranged like ducks in a row, we moved almost as one through the turns…but then, all hell broke loose. Somewhere near the front of the line, a bike went down. Or maybe two or three went down. I couldn’t tell. All I knew was that I was caught in the line of ducklings with nowhere to go—bikes were in the road, blocking it. We were all too close together and moving too fast to stop in time. Our only hope was to somehow avoid becoming a part of the pileup by swerving, but there were too many of us for there to be any hope that we wouldn’t crash into one another. Rider upon rider was getting tangled up in the chaos. Bikes wobbled, lost control, spinning, tumbling, and sliding across the asphalt. Riders were thrown from their vehicles, and more than a few were run over by the next bike to hit the disaster area.