The words are out of my mouth before I can process them fully and it doesn’t pain me at the thought of not being a Lost Souls.
Her mouth open and closes multiple times before she remains quiet and looks away from me.
“Walk away from what exactly?” she asks.
“From the club, I’ll walk away from anything that makes you stay,” I clarify for her.
When she begins laughing, I am taken aback mainly because it is shaky and sounds off.
“You don’t get it. It isn’t you being a part of the club or anything else. I remember you telling me that club is who you are so I know you won’t be happy if you walk away from it. It is you, the decision you made that scares me.”
“Would you have preferred me to kill a woman?” I ask her, because that was my only other alternative.
“She wasn’t exactly any woman was she and as bad as it sounds, yes, I would have preferred you to shoot her than her shoot you.” She admits.
She must love me if she would have preferred me killing a person rather me getting hurt.
“I promise you I will never, ever do anything to put myself in a position I might not be able to walk away from again. My promise needs to be enough because I don’t want to lose you or Zach. Please believe me darlin’.”
She contemplates what I’ve said before answering, “I desperately want to believe you Slade, I don’t want to leave and Zachery likes it here and is settling in nicely…”
I cut her off because I know she doesn’t want to go and if I can find the right words to fix this I know she will stay.
“I know I fucked up but I’m not letting you walk away after everything we’ve been through. You love me and I love you with everything I have. You have friends here and a home, we can put down roots together. I’m not going anywhere and if that means leaving the club, then that is what I’ll do.” I tell her again so it drums into her.
She stands and begins pacing the room, tears fall freely down her cheeks and I regret that I am the reason for them.
This is it, make or break, stay or go and if she goes then I can’t see any sort of future without her or Zach in it for myself.
I’d always wanted a family and a woman who loved me as much as I loved her and I know I have that with Kristen. She wouldn’t be in so much pain over me if she wasn’t truly in love with me.
“It was a stupid move on my part to stand in her way but I would’ve rather bled out and died then see her hurt you or anyone else.” I reiterate.
She stops pacing and finally comes and sits beside me on the couch. I seize her hand and squeeze it hard getting her to look at me.
“What can I do to prove to you how much I love you?” I murmur.
“Don’t try to get yourself killed would be a start,” she says, half-heartedly.
“Well I can’t do anything for a while,” I laugh, looking down at my thigh.
“Talking of which, you need to get back to the hospital,” she frowns.
I still haven’t heard her say she will stay with me.
“I’m not going anywhere till I know we’re good.”
Her gaze is intense and the silence is unbearable, when she eventually speaks I know this is the beginning of my future, I just hope she is a part of it.
“I don’t expect you to leave the club, in fact I partly fell in love with you because of your loyalty and passion for family. The club doesn’t scare me anymore and I know how much it means to you. If you walked away you wouldn’t be the man I fell in love with.”
I can feel my chest loosening and my heart rate calming.
“I’ll stay if you give me your word you won’t ever do that again, it’s bad enough to lose someone I love voluntarily.”
“You have my word, my life is yours. Now, are you gonna kiss me?” I ask, fucking giddy with happiness.
Giddy? When the fuck have I ever been giddy?
Her soft hand cups my cheek as I grasp the back of her neck and pull her into me. She is hesitant around my leg but once our lips are pressed together, I can feel her relax as much as I have in the last thirty seconds.
She pulls away far too quickly and rests against my chest.
“I swear if you do that again I will shoot you in your other leg.” She promises.
“Remind me to hide the guns when I get home,” I chuckle.
“You are not funny. Come on, you need to get back to the hospital.” She orders.
Thank fuck this is sorted because the meds I had earlier have been wearing off and the burning pain in my leg is intensifying. I will relish this pain, I will always remember what it nearly cost me and how close I was to nearly losing the best thing that has ever happened to me.
I pull her back into me to kiss her one last time before we leave. Knowing I am coming home to these lips has me wanting to discharge myself as soon as we get back to the hospital.
“Go and get the guys, I doubt you will be able to help me up.” I tell her.
She smiles at me and disappears.
I shouldn’t have left the hospital but it was worth it. I can’t bring myself to think about what would have happened if I had waited until I got out. I sure as shit would have tracked her fine ass down until I found her.
“You ready brother,” Cas asks, as they both come through the door.
“Yeah, and if you could put your foot down and get me back to the good shit, I’d fuckin’ appreciate it,” I say, as they both pull me of the sofa.
Accidently putting my weight on my wounded leg has me sucking a sharp breath in.
“Feelin’ the pain Brother?” Sparky chuckles.
“I’ve felt better,” I huff.
“I’ll meet you there. I need my car so I can pick Zachery up later,” Kristen murmurs, picking up her keys from the dish in the hallway.
She walks down the porch to her car and pulls out behind Cas’s truck.
“I take it everythin’ went well?” Sparky asks, as he helps me into my seat.
“Yeah,” Was all I could say as I rested my head on the head rest and tried to ignore the pain.
The doctors and nurses were shitty about my abrupt departure when I returned but I couldn’t give a flying fuck. Kristen stayed for a few hours before having to leave to pick Zach up from Bonnie. She promised to bring him by in the morning to see me. We spoke about everything from what happened that night with Kitty to the redecorating she wouldn’t mind doing at the house to make it feel like more of a home for her.
Coming this close to losing her, I told her she had free reign to do what the hell she wanted if it made her happy.
As far as my future with the club is concerned, it was still undecided in my eyes. Kristen said she doesn’t want me to walk away for her but the more I think about it, the more I want to walk away for me. Cas and Pope’s lies hurt more than I like. We have always had each other’s backs to the point I thought we would die for each other. I had proven that when I stepped in front of Kitty’s gun. But if they couldn’t do something as simple as tell me the fucking truth, how can I trust them in return?
Before I could delve too deep in that line of thought, the extra meds the nurse gave me took me into a deep sleep.
Chapter Nineteen
Slade
A week has passed since Kitty went crazy at us and apart from not being able to get around easily, there have been elements to my recovery that have been crucial…Kristen.
I got out of the hospital the day after I escaped and chased her down. I think the nurses were glad to see the back of me because I sure as shit wasn’t the easiest patient to deal with.
Kristen has worn herself out looking after both Zach and I. She says she’s fine and wants to nothing more than to look after her family but I still hate that it’s my fault.
The night I got home, when Zach was sleeping soundly, we sat and spoke in depth about what she had been through and making sure she is okay. After all, she was held at gun point for a lengthy amount of time. My stunt had over shadowed everything she had
been through yet she said she was fine. It was like it all had flew over her head and was already buried in her past. I wanted pure and kind whilst strong and feisty in my woman and I have definitely found that in her.
“Slade.”
I open my eyes to Zach trying to pull himself up onto the couch. When Kristen brought him to the hospital before I was released, he immediately called my name when he came through the door. I can honestly say that hearing him say my name was one of the proudest moments of my life. Not only do I have Kristen to love and protect I have Zach too. I won’t let my fallen brother, Billy, down. I will help Kristen raise his son as if he were my own blood and make sure his path in life is smooth as it possibly can be.
“Hey little man, where’s your momma?” I ask, helping him up next to me.
“I’m here,” she smiles, following him through from the kitchen. “Are you sure I can’t fix you something to eat?”
“No I’m okay, I’ll get something later.” I manage to pull her down as she goes to pass me and hook my arm around her waist.
“What do you two have planned tonight then?” I ask.
“Zachery and I have a date with Nemo and then an early night.”
Good, I think because she needs more rest than I do.
Cas’s bachelor party is tonight and although I can’t get drunk while I’m on my meds and I’m still not sure how I feel about the club, I wouldn’t miss my brother’s send off into matrimony.
Pope discharged himself from hospital this morning, once he knew he was fine and it was a case of resting to recover, he signed himself out of there.
So at least I wouldn’t be on my own in the wounded corner. First, we had to be in the back room to sort out whatever shit the club is going through after Pope admitted he shot Michael. I haven’t been to the club since the incident or been very interested in club business so I’m not sure what to expect.
“When are you being picked up?” she asks.
“In about five minutes, one of the prospects text to say they weren’t too far away,” I tell her.
“Here, let me help into your cut before he gets here.”
She retrieves it from the back of the kitchen chair and by the time she comes back into the room I have struggled my way up to standing.
By the time my leg is healed I am going to have one leg bigger in muscle than the other the more I have been using it.
I grab the crutches that I’ve been using and one arm at a time I slip into my cut. At the moment I feel like a fraud wearing it. It drills into me to be feeling like this and I hate it but one fucking lie is eating at me and either way tonight I will be over it and still a part of the club or I will be a Lost Soul no more.
Walking into the club felt like my home. My brothers all around felt like family, but simmering underneath it felt like betrayal.
“Welcome home brother,” Oak smiles, dragging his ass off the bar stool where he was dinking with Pope who had gained himself a wheelchair from God knows where.
A path was cleared towards the bar for me to sit at. By the looks of it most of the Devils Bastards were here tonight to party too.
I decided on keeping a clear head for the meeting and got myself a bottle of water instead a cold beer which is what I was craving.
When Cas walked through the door, every Lost Soul stood and headed for the back room. With Oak pushing a disgruntled Pope and me hobbling on crutches everyone was seated by the time we got settled.
He brought the gavel down with force and the room fell in silence.
“It’s been a long time comin’ for this meet but with Slade and Pope finally on the road to recovery and hopefully a good party tonight this is the time to get everything out in the open.” Cas begins, “I wanted to wait for Pope to be here because as you all heard, he was the one who killed Michael. The night he died, you all knew he wasn’t gonna be a part of this club no more, no matter how he left he wasn’t gonna be sittin’ at this chair. That night, I couldn’t give a fuck if Hunter killed him or not, my main and only concern was gettin’ to Lana. While Sparks and I was freeing her Hunter and Michael got into it, they fought hard and by the time we had Lana free Michael had killed Hunter.”
Pope readjusted himself in his chair and cleared his throat.
“I should tell them. What Michael had done to this club, a club that I’ve been a part of since I was eighteen years old so losing myself down a path to jail or death crushed me. I looked up to him for nearly thirty years. I did anything he asked of me without question. When he made the decision to move Alannah away from us I didn’t agree but I trusted him because he was my brother and my president. When I saw what those cunts had done to her and finding out Mickey’s death was down to Michael too, I wouldn’t have given anyone the choice to vote on his future. Out of everyone here, Oak and I are the only ones who go back to the beginning. I was the one who took it upon myself to end his life and I would do it again.”
“No one is blamin’ ya brother,” Oak says, reassuring him.
I sit and listen to them talk about the night in question, going over the details of what happened over and over again.
“Slade? You’ve been pretty quiet, do you have anything to say?” Cas asks.
“Fuck yeah, I don’t give a fuck who killed Michael, I would’ve done it myself if I had the chance. What don’t sit right with me is the fact you lied to us about it for a year and a half. If Kitty hadn’t of shown up we would’ve still been in the dark. It makes me question what else you are keeping from us because I was under the impression that we all had each other’s backs. I mean, I nearly lost everything last week to take a bullet because she had the gun pointed at you, yet you lie to me. It doesn’t feel good to me, brother,” I say purely to Cas, my voice getting louder as I spoke.
“I made the decision to save the club, the shit coming out that night would’ve fractured the club. We were lucky the club adapted to the changes as quickly as they did. After so long, I didn’t even think about it, but my intention was never to make it worse and I do have your back,” he replies.
“At the moment I’m not feeling it, I’ve been looking at things differently and lies like that between us in our world always brings trouble with bullets and blood. I have a family depending on me now and like you with Lana and Sparky with Bon and JJ, I’ll do what I have to do keep myself and them safe.”
I maintain eye contact with my president and even though I am dying slowly on the inside, I only show determination on the surface.
“What are you tryin’ to say Slade? Because it sounds to me you’re wantin’ out of the club,” Cas pushes back.
“That’s fuckin’ bull shit,” Oak roars, slamming his fist on the table.
I only stare at everyone, my silence confirming the possibility that Cas has me pegged correctly.
“I stared death in the face for this club and what did I get in return? Lies. Like I said, I couldn’t give a fuck Pope killed Michael. I give a fuck that it was kept from us, it’s like it’s on fuckin’ rerun in my head,” I yell.
“I get that, I really fuckin’ do brother but I can’t and won’t allow you to leave like this. I give you my word that was only detail that was kept from you all, everything we have done to this club since I took over has been an open book. I know you’ve had a rough week but look at what you’d be walkin’ away from,” Cas says, gesturing around the table.
I look from brother to brother and see the distress my possible leaving is doing to them.
“Don’t forget it was kept from me too and I was here when Mark began this brotherhood, I was here when Michael came and I was here when Pope came. After givin’ my fuckin’ life to this club and losing two old ladies because of my commitment to you all, I was fuckin’ pissed about it but I understood. Cas has brought this club back to what it was formed for, loyalty and family. No matter where you walk off to Slade, we are all bound to each other whether you want to be or not. We will get over this because we’re not gonna let it bring us down and shit
over us anymore. Wrap your head around it brother ‘cos I sure as shit ain’t good with you leavin’.” Oak says, adding his opinion.
I lean back in my chair and let my head fall back, breathing deeply to keep calm, and I try unsuccessfully to remember how I could ever walk away from here.
The air around us is tangible.
“Slade, you’re our brother, our family. You’re right, you did step in to take the bullet but you fuckin’ know I would do the same for you and anyone in this club. Remember that,” Cas urges.
“Just don’t put me in that fuckin’ position again because it was Kristen who nearly paid the price because Kitty wanted answers,” I remind him.
“You have my word and my life that nothin’ in this club will be kept from anyone again.”
“I can deal with that,” I finally murmur, while everyone breathes a sigh of relief.
Cas slaps me on the shoulder and grins.
“Okay, before we end this I want to try and find a way to find out what Kitty meant about Lana’s mom. Kitty sure fucked her up not tellin’ her the truth. Oak and Pope were led to believe Rayna died during child birth but Kitty made out there was more to it, Lana needs to know what went down.” Cas says.
“After the wedding I’ll dig about and see what I can find for her,” I offer.
“Thanks brother.”
“Is it time to get fucked yet? We have a party to get to,” Sparky cheers from beside me.
Cas laughs and brings the gavel down.
The bar is packed with brothers and women. Drinks are flowing like a fucking waterfall and the smoke is heavy in the air. The music is booming off the walls and the strippers that have just arrived have Cas fearing for his balls if Alannah finds out. Sparky has thrown him to the wolves and is enjoying his president and best friend squirm in his seat. It is strange to think that he was a completely different guy before he committed to Alannah. There was a time he would have been all over the strippers and then would have taken them both at the same time, but now all he needs is his woman.
After making myself comfortable on one of the couches, I was content to watch the celebrations. After thrashing it out with my brothers I feel a lot happier to continue with the club. Oak was right, we are bound and every now and then we will come under strain but we will always overcome trouble together.