The real Bonnie is really beginning to come through and I find her fascinating. I wonder if she could ever let go and be herself while she was with the Ghost Riders and then quickly scrap that thought. She was a broken shell when she first come here and in a matter of weeks in a different environment, she is finding herself and I like it.
The way she is gyrating her body is making me hard, again. Luckily Cas comes over and I turn my back to her and order another beer.
“Seems like you’ve made your point,” he says leaning against the bar.
“Good,” I grumble.
“Never thought I’d see you with an old lady,” he chuckles, watching me closely.
“She’s hardly my old lady,” I snort, “I like fuckin’ her and spendin’ time with her.”
“Sounds like old lady material to me. Why did you claim her if that wasn’t what you’re thinking?” he asks.
I shrug my shoulders, but I do know why.
“I want to protect her. You remember the doc telling us she has scars everywhere. Well, he weren’t fuckin’ wrong, she’s covered in them. Plus, I don’t know her well enough to make her my old lady. She won’t tell me a fuckin’ thing about who hurt her,” I tell him.
I feel shit for saying it because it’s not fair to her. She doesn’t know who she is herself yet and I am enjoying exploring that with her.
“You’ve gotten close now, ask her again,” he says, as if I hadn’t thought of that already.
“Like I said, I ain’t makin’ her no old lady of mine, so what’s the fuckin’ point?”
I grunt becoming angry. Angry at Cas for bringing it up tonight and angry at myself for saying shit about her.
“Since when have I ever hinted that I want to be your old lady?” I hear from behind me. I twist round on the stool to find Bonnie standing right behind us.
She looks pissed. How much did she hear? I lean over to pull her into me but she steps back and then fully retreats back to my room.
“Fuckin’ hell!” I roar, “How the fuck do I fix that?” I ask Cas, who I know is silently happy that this might cause her to leave the clubhouse.
“Hey, you are the one who said you ain’t makin’ her your old lady so why bother chasing her? Just leave her,” he shrugs.
I can’t do that, they don’t know her like I do and even then, I don’t know much. Looks like I am on my own with this one. Draining the rest of my beer, I slam the bottle down on the bar and head to my room.
Chapter Ten
Bonnie...
I knew it was too good to be true. It hadn’t crossed my mind about becoming his old lady, I know where I stand, so why would he talk like that? And to talk to Cas about my scars at the bar where anyone could overhear is plain disrespectful to me. He knows how I feel about them. All these years I have kept them hidden from everyone and now they are slowly becoming public knowledge. Oh, and I couldn’t have been more aware I wasn’t old lady material but to hear it from Sparky himself hurt like a bitch though. All these weeks I’ve been asking myself, run or stay? Now is time to run, I can’t stay here anymore.
Promising not to cry when I find his door locked, I begin to get angry. Why can’t I have a simple life?
It’s not long till Sparky comes up behind me and unlocks the door. I escape through it as soon as it is open and furiously start packing.
“Look, I don’t know how much you heard, but you got it all wrong,” he begins. “I didn’t mean to hurt you, but it’s not like he knows too much ‘cos you tell me fuckin’ nothing about yourself,” he says, pacing the room.
I carry on packing saying, “Actually, apart from Alannah, you know more about me than anyone. Everything I’ve told you has been the truth.”
“But you still won’t tell me how you got your scars? Who’s been fuckin’ hurtin’ ya? Why you ran from your family to a clubhouse full of fuckin’ enemies?” he argued.
The anger in his tone has me stopping my packing. He is staring at me waiting for me to finally tell him the truth. Our stare off lasts for a whole minute before he speaks again.
“Tell me the truth about you Bonnie,” he pleads.
“I can’t talk about it,” I cry.
A flicker of hurt crosses his face before it returns to a glare.
“You have no fuckin’ idea what I did for you today and you can’t be honest with me,” he shouted.
“What?”
“I took the heat off you with everyone so you wouldn’t feel unwelcome anymore. I claimed responsibility for you ‘cos I believe you ain’t against us. You know what that means Bon?” he asks.
I nod. I do know. If I were an enemy and made a move against them, he would have to be the one to take me down, which meant he would be punished by the club, either by exile or death.
“I never asked you to do that,” I murmur.
“No, you didn’t. You haven’t asked a damn thing of me. I wanted to protect you but how can I do that if you’re not honest with me?”
Our stare off returns as I remain quiet.
“Seriously, you’re saying nothin’?” he spits.
“I can’t.”
Why can’t he leave this alone? It is bad enough he has seen my scars, why does he need to know how I got them? Like he said, he isn’t going to make me his old lady.
“Then you don’t trust me. That feels fuckin’ fantastic babe,” he sneers.
The stare off is back, he is goading me into telling him, but I can’t. I am frozen in place.
“Fuck this, I’m outta here.”
He storms out leaving me standing in the middle of the room.
What the hell just happened? The last couple of days have been perfect for me, especially tonight. At least I know why everyone wasn’t turning away from me. Taking responsibility for me is a huge thing in this world. He said it was to help protect me and I still couldn’t tell him the truth.
Debating what to do was getting me nowhere and I am sick of going nowhere in my life. The past few days with Sparky have opened my eyes to everything and anything. I can be intimate with a man. Men in general are not all the same as the Ghost Riders, and I have a voice and opinion and that I can be heard.
Before losing the braveness I am rapidly building up, I leave the room and go in search of Sparky. The worst that can happen is I tell him and he turns his back on me like I have been trying to save myself from. Either way, I am most likely going to be leaving tonight, but there is a small part of me that hopes he understands and tells me everything will be okay. I want to trust him.
Going back down to the party, people acknowledge me as I pass, small smiles. A quick nod of the head and the women say hi. Sparky made this happen, my trust in him has definitely grown in the last three minutes.
I am back in the main bar area and I can’t see him anywhere. Did he leave? I see Cas at the bar looking at me. He turns his head towards the pool tables and then I see him. He is sitting on one of the couches and he isn’t alone. Five minutes he’s been back down here and already he has one the club whores on his lap. She is whispering something in his ear, I guess it is something sexual as his eyes close and a small smile forms. He runs his hand along her thigh and whispers something back to her to which she giggles in response. I go to move before he sees me but it is too late. Purposefully, he re-adjusts her on his lap, his eyebrows raised, daring me to confront him.
Something inside me snaps. Everything becomes clear, the lights become brighter and the music louder. I was kidding myself, he is the same as everyone I knew. I don’t need to tell him shit about me. If he couldn’t trust I didn’t want to speak about my past then fine. I’m not clinging to him but him claiming responsibility over me shows me there are nice guys out there and I’ll be damned if this is going to be my life now. We have a spat and he immediately runs off and finds solace with another woman. Then I laugh, what am I thinking? We aren’t even together, who he has on his lap is no concern of mine.
“What you doing over here on your own?” Alannah asks, comin
g up beside me.
She follows my gaze and holds my hand.
“Oh, what the fuck Bon? I thought you and him were…” she says trailing off, not knowing how to class us.
“Apparently not. Don’t worry about it, I’m okay,” I tell her.
She looks at me and knows I am serious.
“Don’t you like him?”
“I do but I knew the score,” I smile. “I think it’s time for me to leave.”
“Bon, you don’t have to leave because of him.”
“Yes I do, in a good way though. He has helped me more than he will ever know. As ridiculous as it sounds, he’s made me stronger,” I admit. “Anyway, it’s about time I find out who I am without men clouding over me.”
She laughs before she speaks, “Yeah well, being around here you’re pretty much surrounded by men, no escaping them.”
I laugh. I am going to miss her so much, never once judging me. Helping me at my lowest point in life, she also will never know how much she has done for me.
“Will you help me leave without being seen? I don’t want to make a scene,” I ask her.
“Of course I will, make sure you stay in contact this time.”
“I will,” I promised.
Sparky...
Tonight has been one big fuck up! I sorted it out with Cas to help her feel at ease, we spent the day fucking, then she blew me away when she came out of the bathroom all dressed up. My brothers were beginning to acknowledge her and then in one conversation everything went to hell on a one way ticket. Why can’t I get it through to her that I am not going to judge her past? I would help her in any way I could with anything she opened up about.
If we were heading into relationship territory, that definitely isn’t happening now. I didn’t seek Jilly out, she saw me as soon as I returned to the party alone and looked angry. For the past five minutes she has been trying to entice me back to a room to help me relieve some of the tension I apparently have in my shoulders.
I saw Bonnie as she walked down the stairs, Cas signalling me out. I braced myself for craziness but nothing happened, she saw exactly what I was doing. I even tried provoking her by stroking Jilly’s thigh in front of her but still, nothing. I told her what I had done for her and it still isn’t enough for her to trust me, to tell me what has her running for her life. That shit is fucked up.
Even now, there is no reaction from her. We have spent the last couple of days in a world of mind blowing sex and there isn’t one flicker of jealousy seeing me with another woman. I’m seeing more of a reaction from Barbie because whatever Bonnie is saying is holding her off. Fuck this, I don’t need this. I will keep responsibility of her because she is sure as shit is keeping secrets from me but there not plans against the club, of that I am sure, I’ll move her out of my room and stay away from her from now on.
I push Jilly off my lap and take her hand as I stand, deliberately making sure I pass Bonnie as I head for the stairs. Not getting a reaction from her is making my blood boil. I am desperate to know what she is thinking but I don’t bother to try.
Every voice in my head is telling me to turn around and sort this out. She followed me back down for a reason, but my feet keep climbing the stairs. I don’t stop till I have found an empty room and throw Jilly on the bed. If I wanted an old lady I would have sorted it out but I don’t, so I unbuckle my belt and drop my jeans.
“You got some making up to do,” she giggles.
“The fuck I do,” I grunt.
I don’t owe her anything.
“You missed my birthday, I didn’t get a present,” she pouted.
“Well shut up and come and get it then,” I tell her.
The way she crawls across the bed and takes hold of my dick nearly has me backing off. Why does this feel wrong? I’m not doing anything I haven’t been doing for years and I don’t have any commitments to anyone, especially Bonnie. Fuck, she won’t even be here much longer anyway.
Looking down and watching Jilly’s head bobbing up and down I think, fuck it, I’m going to be who I’ve always been. I’m not going to let Bonnie’s temporary soft relaxing voice or the feel of her soft legs wrapped around my waist distract me anymore.
This has got to be a first, waking up feeling like shit without having got wasted the night before. It only takes a moment and the realisation I am in bed with Jilly, and everything that went down last night tells me it’s my fucking conscious playing up. What a joke this is. Bonnie has my head spinning in ten different directions. I need to talk to her. Getting dressed as quietly as I can without waking Jilly, I slip out of the room.
I decide stick to my plan not to touch her anymore and decide it is best to stay friends. Whatever has gone on between us, over the last few weeks, we have built some sort of friendship. I’ll apologise for last night and tell her I won’t ask about her past anymore. I’ll find a spare room she can move into until she leaves.
The last thing I need this morning is Barbie walking towards me with a murderess look directed at me, my karma for last night beginning all too soon.
“Good mornin’,” I say, hoping she will go soft on me.
The fury I thought was coming never did. She completely ignores me and carries on walking towards her and Cas’s room.
“What the fuck is your problem?” I turn and ask.
I know Bonnie is her friend but I hurt Bonnie not her. Women…I will never ever fucking understand them.
She rounds on me and begins spouting shit about last night. When she nears close, she slaps me clean across the face, leaving it red and stinging.
“Barbie, tell me what the fuck that was for, I’m not fuckin’ around.”
“She’s gone, left last night,” she said.
I pushed her out of the way and ran to my door at the other end of the corridor.
Unlocked, and the door left ajar, I push it open. Barbie was right, her stuff is gone. Through frustration I punch the door, welcoming the pain shooting up my arm.
“Don’t know why you’re angry for. It’s your fault she’s gone,” she says, coming up behind me.
“I don’t want to hear it,” I say, leaning my head against the wall.
I shouldn’t have expected any less. Bonnie wasn’t going to stand for any shit. God knows what she has been through before she came here, and what I did to her last night was probably nothing in comparison.
“Apart from me, you were the only person who saw she wasn’t our enemy and you couldn’t give her a break about…her past! Well done last night…your fuck off message was crystal clear.”
“Where is she?” I ask.
I’ll bring her back. No, what am I thinking?
“I honestly don’t know.”
I look into her eyes, she isn’t worth a shit at lying, I have always been able to tell if she was hiding anything. Her eyes tell me nothing today, she is telling the truth.
“How did she even leave?”
“I gave her my car. Cas wasn’t happy about that but I don’t care. She has been through enough, helping her get away from here was the least I could do. You fucked up Jason, you really did.”
I know I fucked up. She really doesn’t need to tell me it. She walks away without another word said, leaving me to enter a room that doesn’t hold the same appeal anymore.
Chapter Eleven
Bonnie...
Counting what is left of my cash leaves me slightly panicked. Eight hundred dollars to my name and still no place to call my own. The motels I have been staying in have suited me fine and the cheaper ones may not be what I was imagining but they had a lock on the door and safety for me to sleep.
In the month since I left the Lost Souls clubhouse, I have surprised myself. Only imagining a new life has always got me through some awful times, and now I am living that new life, I am happy. It doesn’t matter I am on my own the majority of the time, I quite like my own company. I spend most of my days exploring each town I drive through, taking my time looking around shops, ordering pancakes a
nd syrup in the diners I choose. In the evenings I spend my time soaking in the tub, relishing the silence, moving on to read in bed till I fall asleep. No worrying about having to hide the book under the mattress from Tommy. Everything the same when I wake as to when I fell asleep.
Every morning I tell myself I do not miss Sparky, and every night I repeat the same. It has been a very long month not feeling his warm body against me in bed. It is exactly that. I miss his touch, not him himself.
I can and will find that with someone else, preferably a nice man with a nine to five job.
I do well not thinking about him most of the time, then remembering my period hasn’t come yet. I am putting it down to stress as to why I am late, I have been on birth control since the day Tommy took a liking to me, he made his intentions towards me very clear that first time. I was his to do what he wished with so I put myself on the pill. I didn’t have a lot of say when it came to him violating my body but behind his back I damn well protected myself. I would have rather died then have his baby and be trapped to him forever. With everything that went on when I arrived at the Lost Souls clubhouse I forgot to take my pill for a couple of weeks.
The thought of possibly being pregnant with Sparky’s baby doesn’t fill me with the same terror. Slight apprehension at having to explain it, but not terror.
After putting it off for the last couple of days, this morning I dragged myself to the local drug store and purchased a test, which is currently still on the bathroom side awaiting for me to look at the result.
A positive result means I have to go back to Willows Peak. A negative result means I get to keep driving till I find somewhere I like and settle in and put some roots down.
Doesn’t matter on what result I get, life is certainly about to change for me. Being pregnant wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
The bathroom door automatically closes if the stop isn’t under it. On the other side is my future. The possibilities of either have me stalling. Maybe another couple of hours not knowing won’t hurt. I grab my purse off the bed and head to the car.