“So, all in all, I would say I’m head over heels. Whaddya have to say about that?”
I grinned at her. “I’d say that you’ve made me the happiest boy in the world.”
She looked at me with a scowl. “Didn’t I just complicate your life even more?”
“I’m more than willing to have that type of complication in my life, Charlie. I look forward to it.”
Eventually, a smile replaced her frown, and even with the cuts she was the most beautiful I’d ever seen her.
“I’ll talk to Dad when we get home or the first time I get a chance. So, until then, we need to try to go ahead and follow the same rules we were before.”
“Sounds fair enough.”
“I am gonna give in on one part though.”
“What part is that?” she asked, raising an eyebrow. “My birthday kiss?”
“No.” I laughed.
“Bummer.”
“I’d like to hold your hand,” I requested.
She smiled and held her hand out to me.
chapter 29
(Attie)
Riley held my hand as we pulled into the driveway. Giving it one last squeeze, he grinned before easing out of the seat and making his way to my side of the car.
Getting out, I slid out of the way so he could close the door. Leaning against the car, I waited to see what he would do. The day was almost over, and my birthday wish still hadn’t come true. Even though he swore he wouldn’t kiss me again until he spoke to Pops, I was still holding out hope that he wouldn’t allow himself to disappoint me on my birthday.
He leaned against the car with one hand and then gently placed the other hand just below my neck, flat against my sternum. As he slowly leaned in I closed my eyes but was disappointed when I felt his lips kiss the tip of my nose. It lasted only a second before he pulled away, but I understood in that short moment that Riley was battling two desires: to either kiss me or honor the commitment he made to himself and not pursue anything until I’d moved out of his home. Of course, he’d already breached the agreement during the camping trip, but I didn’t want to bring the incident up again.
I was disappointed when he grabbed my hand and led me toward the house. I was aware that once we made it inside, there was no chance he would kiss me tonight. My heart sank, but I followed his lead. The fulfillment of my birthday wish would have to wait for two more weeks.
The closer we got to the house, the faster he walked. Trying to keep up, I walked carefully on my sore feet. He wanted to get me inside before he changed his mind and gave in, but just before reaching the porch steps, he veered off course. We were no longer heading into the house but around the side instead. I smiled, knowing what would happen, and as soon as we were out of sight, Riley turned and pulled me close to him.
“Happy birthday,” he whispered before kissing me delicately for a moment and then hugging me tightly to him.
Placing his cheek against mine, he spoke quietly into my ear. “I think I’m in love with you, Charlie, and I have been for our entire lives.”
It was the most wonderful proclamation anyone ever made to me, and I felt like the most special girl in the world. Not only was Riley Bennett choosing me, but I was his first and only choice.
I started to reply, to tell him how I felt about him, but a light caught our attention. I turned to see where it was coming from but was blinded. I felt Riley protectively shield my eyes and pull my head to his chest.
“Hello?” Riley called out. “Who’s there?”
“Hey, Riley … and Attie.” I heard a girl’s voice. “Did I interrupt something?”
“Turn the lights off, Tiffany,” Riley snapped.
The night went black, and it took a few moments before my eyes readjusted to the darkness. I glanced up at Riley. His jaw locked and his eyes glared toward Tiffany. “Riley?”
He looked down at me, his face immediately softening. “Go on inside, Charlie; I’ve got some business to take care of.”
“But—”
“It’s okay; I’ll be right behind you. No big deal.”
As I turned to go he grabbed my hand, pulled me to him, and quickly kissed me again. “I’ll only be a minute. Go on inside.”
As swiftly as possible, I made my way inside and up to my room.
(Riley)
“What are you doing here, Tiffany?”
“What am I doing here?” she asked, walking toward me. “I just came by to talk. The real question is what are you doing, Riley? Playing house with your summer guest?”
I was silent.
“Enjoying a summer fling? Pretty easy bait, don’t you think? Let me guess, she’s sleeping in the room next to yours? I would know. I’ve had a nice visit to your room a time or two.”
I remained silent and still as my anger rose.
“Come on,” she urged while putting her hand on my arm. “Summer’s over, and it’s time for the fun and games to end. The little prude isn’t going to give you what you want anyway.”
“Since when do you know what I want?”
“Oh, I don’t know, I remember being pretty good at making you happy,” she whispered as she untucked my shirt from my jeans. “You can have a lot more fun with me. Do you remember how much fun we used to have?”
“I think I’ll pass,” I said firmly while grabbing her hands and throwing them to her side. “We kissed a few times; don’t try to make it sound like we did more than that.”
“We had fun together, though, didn’t we?”
“Look, I guess our wires got crossed, and I take full responsibility for that. I wanted to avoid an argument, and I thought that if I didn’t call you over several months that you would realize I wasn’t interested in seeing you. Evidently, I should have been more forthright.”
She looked hurt for an instant, but then her face turned cold. “You like this girl, Riley? Come on, you can’t be serious.”
“It’s none of your business, Tiffany.”
“She’s plain, boring, and a religious freak,” Tiffany spat.
“Enough!” I grabbed her arm and drug her to the car. “I think you should go now.”
“She isn’t even your type,” she argued.
My anger getting the best of me, I opened the car and shoved her in. “She’s exactly my type. Now get off my property!” I slammed the car door and stood glaring at her.
Tiffany threw the car in reverse and peeled away as I ran back toward the house. Dad was standing in the entryway as I made my way inside. “What was that?
My teeth were clenched. “Tiffany, it’s not a big deal.” I turned and started up the stairs.
“Then what is it?” he yelled after me.
“Closure.”
When I reached Attie’s room, she was sitting on her bed looking out the window.
“Charlie?”
She turned to look at me, and I gave her a reassuring grin. “Everything’s fine. I’m gonna run change clothes and I’ll be right back. Okay?”
She nodded and then turned and looked out the window.
I walked into my room, slammed the door, ripped my jeans off, and threw them into the closet. The most incredible night of my life had been sabotaged, and somehow I needed to salvage it.
Pulling on sweatpants, I made my way back to Attie’s room.
“Are you okay?” she asked with a small, weak smile on her face.
“Perfect.” I joined her sitting on the bed and leaned over to kiss her on the forehead. “Just a little unfinished business, that’s all.”
“You know, Riley, you don’t have to cut things off with her because of me.”
I was shocked at her response. “What?”
“We’re in high school; nothing h
as to be exclusive. There’s no sense in missing out.”
“Do you not remember what I said to you out there? I told you that I thought I might be in love with you.”
“I remember, but I also realize that you lived a life before I showed up, and I don’t want you to have to change because of me. You give up a lot by being with someone like me.”
“Someone like you?”
“Plain, boring, and a religious freak.”
“You heard that?”
“I wasn’t eavesdropping; you were yelling at each other. It was kind of hard not to hear.” She turned away from me and looked out the window again. “Riley, she was right.”
“No, she wasn’t.” I shook my head in frustration.
I couldn’t believe we were about to have this discussion. Attie was about to break things off with me before we officially got started. My chest ached.
“How did we get to this place? From what we shared on the camping trip and just now outside to this?” I knew I was whimpering, but I didn’t care. Attie was the most important thing to me right then, and I wasn’t gonna let the night change course in such a drastic way.
“It’s called waking up to reality.” She looked back at me. “School starts in a little over a week, and I’ll be moving out. You’ll go back to being the popular, handsome jock, and I … well, I don’t know what I’ll be.”
I gave her a grin and grabbed her hands. “You’ll be my girlfriend. At least I hope so.”
“No,” she said, pulling her hands away from mine. “I can’t be the reason you change and then miss out on stuff. It’ll make both of us miserable. We’re great together, Riley; honestly we are. But I don’t know if we can work outside the confines of our little world. Out there, I don’t know if we make sense.”
“We make perfect sense. Charlie, please don’t do this.” I stood and began to pace. “I’m not changing for you. I’m changing for me and because I believe that’s what God wants me to do. A lot of my transformation started long before you arrived. You just made me wanna complete the transition a lot faster. The things that someone like Tiffany offers just don’t appeal to me.”
Her face turned cloudy and revealed her thoughts. I knew I needed to address her concerns. “What happened yesterday—”
“We don’t have to go back to that.”
“Yes, we do, because I wanna make sure you understand where I’m coming from and what I feel for you.” I put my head in my hands and tried to think, praying that God would give me the words I needed to say.
She sat waiting for my explanation.
I took a deep breath and began. “I’m attracted to you emotionally first and foremost. I’m crazy about your personality. You’re spunky, witty and pigheaded, kind, and sensitive. Dramatic and even manic sometimes, but I love that about you.
“We laugh all the time, and unfortunately you make me cry—a lot. The impact you have on me isn’t like any other person I’ve ever been with. You bring out the best in me, and I’m not willing to give that up, to give you up so that I can have a physical relationship with someone else. To use one of your words, that would be nonsensical. I’m willing and I wanna abstain from a physical relationship with you as long as I have to in order to keep the emotional and spiritual bond that we have. It’s that important to me. You’re that important to me.”
She interrupted. “No, Riley. This isn’t about waiting for as long as you need to or waiting until I’m ready. Until I get married, I won’t ever be ready. Unless by some miracle we end up married someday, we will never have a sexual relationship; do you grasp that? Do you realize that’s what you’re giving up for as long as you’re with me?”
“Yes, I do. I want the same thing. I know it’s strange to hear that come out of a guy’s mouth, but I believe that’s what I’m called to, just as much as you are. It’s not as if God holds females to a different standard than males. We’re all held to the same principles.
“It won’t be easy, and there are times when I’m not thrilled about this particular condition being placed on me. By God, not you, by the way. But it has been, and I’ll have to learn how to deal with it. I can guarantee you that I’ll mess up every once in a while, but I won’t hurt you again like I did yesterday.
“We’ll just have to make sure that we don’t put ourselves in situations where we could get carried away, or I can get carried away like that again.
“And you’re right, I did have a life before you, but it wasn’t the life that I wanted for myself, and it’s a life that won’t be hard for me to leave behind.
“We are in high school, Charlie, and I guess we won’t be exclusive if you don’t wanna be, but I only wanna be with you. I want you to be my girlfriend. I want everyone to know that there isn’t anyone else that I wanna be with.
“I wasn’t lying when I said that I believe I’ve loved you your entire life. When I look back over our lives together, it’s totally obvious. You’re important to me, you always have been, and I’m not interested in letting you go.”
She brought her thumb to her mouth and started chewing on her nail.
“Why don’t you tell me what’s really going on?”
“I just did.”
“You told me some of it, but I think you’re still keeping something hidden.”
“Not intentionally.”
“Why are you so hesitant to believe that could I love you?”
Tears poured down her face.
“Talk to me, Charlie; what’s going on inside that head of yours?”
“I just don’t see myself as someone that’s loveable.”
“Why?”
“I don’t know. Trust me, when I say it out loud I realize how ridiculous it sounds, but it’s how I feel and I don’t know why. It’s not like I grew up in a house that lacked love or anything. My parents loved me completely and unconditionally, until … I don’t know. I don’t know why it’s so hard for me; I just know it is.”
“Charlie, you’re loved like crazy, do you realize that? Gramps, my mom and dad, our friends, Joshua and Nicole, me, your dad—”
She gave a doubtful huff. “I don’t know about that last one.”
“He loves you. He’ll be here next week, and you two can get back to working on your relationship. I’m sure he’s healed a lot since you left.”
She was nodding as I spoke, but I don’t think she believed me. “He loves you, Charlie.”
“I wish I could believe that as much as you do.”
“Look, if it’ll make you feel better, I won’t speak for anyone else, I’ll just speak for myself. I’m not giving up on us because you can’t accept how I feel about you. I’ll let my actions speak for themselves, and eventually you’ll come around—I know you will. I’m not letting you go.”
“I don’t want you to let me go, not if you don’t want to.”
“I don’t want to.” My body finally relaxed. “I won’t. I won’t let you go.”
“I don’t want to be with anyone else either, Riley.”
“Thank God,” I whispered as I sat down on the floor and looked up at her. “So you’ll officially be my girlfriend then? When I ask you and once you’ve moved out, I mean.”
“Of course,” she said, crawling into my lap.
It felt good to hold her again.
“Charlie?”
“Hmm?”
“You know that I can’t sleep beside you anymore, right?”
She shook her head. “I’ve realized that.”
“We’re on a whole ‘nother level now, and I don’t wanna subject myself to that kind of torture.”
“You aren’t the only one.” She laughed. “If I had my way, we’d be continuing what we started outside.”
I grinned. “It won’t be
long and I’ll be able to kiss you again.”
“Maybe I can talk my dad into moving here a few days earlier.”
“I wish!”
I sat with Attie until she fell asleep and then went to go to sleep in my own bed for the first time since she moved into our home.
She had a small nightmare, but I was able to help her get back to sleep within just a few minutes, and I returned to my room, where I tossed and turned most of the night.
The last time I looked at the clock it was 4:07 a.m.
chapter 30
(Attie)
I opened my eyes and realized that I was lying in a hospital bed. Placing my hands on my face, I found tubes going into my nose, and when I looked down I saw an IV in the top of my hand.
“Hello?” I tried to speak, but my voice didn’t work. I realized that there was a tube down my throat.
“Hello,” I screamed inside my head. “Is anyone there?”
There was nobody else in the room. I was alone.
“Dad,” I tried to yell, “where are you?”
I was frantic.
“Attie,” a gentle voice spoke. “You’re safe; I’m here.”
“Jesus?” I would recognize his voice anywhere.
“Look at me, Attie,” he commanded.
I focused my eyes and found him. We were back in the black vastness standing on steppingstones, and he wore a large grin on his face.
“Turn around, Attie.”
I obeyed. Turning, I saw several steppingstones behind me.
“Look how well you’ve done on our journey so far. Every time I took a step, you were right behind me. Faithfully behind me.”
I turned back to him. “It was painful, but it feels good now.”
“Good.” He smiled. “Attie, it’s time for you to take another step.”
“Okay.”
I waited for him to move onto the stone in front of him so that I could step onto the one he currently occupied.