“No, Attie, this time I’m going to share this step with you.”
I shrugged and stepped to join him.
He held out his arms, making room for me. It was a tight squeeze; we both barely fit on the stone. He wrapped his arms firmly around me.
“Attie, this step will be different than the others, but I want you to remember that I’m on this step with you and my arms are holding you tightly to me. You’re safe, and you’ll be okay.”
“I’m scared.”
He held me tighter. “I’m here, Attie; you’re not alone.”
I woke to shouting.
Jumping out of bed, I ran to the stairs and found Riley standing on the top step.
“What’s the matter?” I asked.
“I’m not sure,” he said, concerned. “I’ve never heard Dad yell like that.”
As he slammed the phone down, Pops noticed us watching him. “Why don’t you kids get dressed and meet me in the kitchen. Wait, Attiline, what happened to your face?”
“Uh, I fell into a thorn bush. It looks worse than it is.” I hated lying to him.
“You sure you’re okay?”
“Yes, sir.”
“All right, well get dressed and meet me in the kitchen.”
“Do you think Tiffany ratted on us?” I whispered as we walked back to our rooms.
“I don’t know, maybe. But just in case, let me handle it okay? We were gonna have this talk anyway, so I was already prepared. It’ll be fine.”
I nodded my head.
“It’s gonna be all right.” He kissed my nose and then smirked at me. “I can handle him.”
We quickly got dressed and then met back on the landing before making our way downstairs. He held my hand until his dad could have seen us and then gently brought my hand to his face and kissed the inside of my wrist before letting me go.
Riley was a few steps in front of me as we walked into the kitchen.
“Have a seat,” Pops instructed quietly.
I looked over at Marme; she was standing at the sink talking on the phone. After finishing her conversation, she hung up the phone and remained standing at the sink staring blankly out the window.
Riley grabbed my hand under the table. “Dad,” he began.
His father cut him off. “Son, you need to sit there and be quiet for a minute.”
As Pops turned to face me, I noticed that his hands were trembling. Riley must have noticed as well because he squeezed my hand under the table.
“What is it?” I asked.
“Attiline … ” His voice shook, which caused my heart to race. “Attiline, your dad called this morning.”
“He did? I wish you would have woken me up. I would have loved to talk to him.”
“I know you would have.”
“Did he call to talk to me?”
“I don’t think so.”
“He took the time to call but didn’t want to talk to me?”
“Attiline … he wanted me to let you know that he won’t be here next week after all.”
“Oh, okay. Well, when’s he coming?”
“He isn’t.” His voice cracked. “He’s not coming.”
“What do you mean he’s not coming?”
“He’s not coming to Oklahoma,” he clarified.
“So I’m moving back to New York?” I looked over at Riley. His mouth hung open, and his eyes were wide. “I don’t want to move back to New York. I want to stay here.”
“No,” Pops answered. I looked back at him. He looked as if he were in physical pain. “You’re not going back to New York.”
“Wait, I’m confused. He’s not coming here and I’m not going there? What are we doing?”
I heard Marme begin to cry. Looking over at her and seeing her in a stage of complete grief, reality hit, and it was as if a mountain had caved in over me.
My body shook as I remembered the words of Jesus two days before.
“Are you going to forgive your dad for shipping you off to Oklahoma so he wouldn’t have to see your face? The face that reminds him of your mother.”
Tears filled my eyes. “He’s not coming here and he doesn’t want me there?”
Riley squeezed my hand more firmly.
Pops shook his head.
“But the house, we’re supposed to close on the house next week.”
“He never bought the house. He wasn’t honest with you.”
My body went numb. “He never actually planned on coming? He knew all along that he was sending me here and he would never be coming?”
“Correct.”
I panicked. “Did Gramps know? Did you know? Riley?”
“No, we’re just as shocked as you. Your Gramps is devastated and very angry with his son. Riley and I had no idea.”
“He’s throwing me out.”
“He’s not ready. He says it’s too painful for him to see you right now.”
“Why did he tell you and not me?”
“I don’t think he could bring himself to tell you himself.”
I sat in silence. Feeling lightheaded, I tried to stabilize myself by searching the room for something to focus on. My eyes rested on an apple that sat on the counter.
“I’m so sorry, Attiline.”
“He doesn’t want me.” The apple began to look fuzzy.
“He loves you; he just can’t do it right now.”
“He’s my dad; what do you mean he can’t do it right now? That’s what dads do, they’re supposed to do it, and they’re supposed to be there.”
“I know. I can’t defend him; I can’t.”
Riley laid his head onto the table, and I sat stunned. We sat in silence for several minutes.
I couldn’t move. The accident had ripped my entire family away from me. Even the person who didn’t die was now gone.
“So I’m alone then.”
Riley sat up and leaned toward me. “You’re not alone.”
“No, you’re not alone,” Pops said softly. “We’re here. We’re all here for you.”
“What am I going to do? Where am I going to live? He’s just leaving me here to fend for myself.”
“You’ll live with us, of course,” Pops answered. “We’re your family too, and we want you. We want you here with us.”
Baby caught my attention as she scurried through the kitchen. She’d been trash, deemed worthless and thrown out, just like me. We’d been unwanted and thrown out like garbage.
“He’s throwing me out like trash,” I screamed.
“No, Attiline, he’s not. He’s hurting. He doesn’t realize what he’s doing.” Pops tried to explain, but there was nothing he could say to excuse my father. There was nothing that could justify him throwing me away.
“No!” I screamed. “He’s deserting me; he’s leaving me alone just like in the hospital! He’s left me all alone!”
I let go of Riley’s hand and stood.
“Charlie … ”
“My dad is making the choice not to be with me.” My body trembled and I felt faint. I looked down at Riley, who looked back up at me; his face was full of tenderness. “My own father doesn’t even want me, Riley.”
He stood and pulled me to him. “Don’t say that.”
“He doesn’t, Riley; he doesn’t want me.” The words practically stuck in my dry throat.
My legs gave out, and I fell against him.
“We want you. We love you.” Riley pulled me closer to him and whispered in my ear, “I want you here, Charlie. I love you.”
“No.” I shoved away from him. “I knew it.”
“Knew what?” he asked.
“My
own father doesn’t love me, Riley … how can anyone else?”
“That’s not true.”
“He’s throwing me out like trash. My daddy doesn’t even want me.”
(Riley)
Attie pulled away from me and ran out the kitchen door and into the backyard as Joshua came running through the front door. He must have been whom Mom was talking to on the phone. He ran past me, and I followed him with Nicole not far behind.
Attie stood expressionless in the tall grass; her eyes were cold and lifeless and her skin practically transparent.
I’d wondered during many long nights if she would ever experience so much pain that she would emotionally shut down forever. I was afraid that she’d just reached that point.
“Attie,” Joshua spoke calmly.
Without speaking or looking at him, Attie held out her hand as if to keep him at a distance. He stopped walking toward her and stood still. I could hear my parents running toward us as Nicole prayed quietly.
“Attie, talk to me. Tell me what you’re feeling,” Joshua asked.
“I feel like I should have died.” Her voice was distant. “I might as well have.”
My heart shattered. All the progress she’d made over the summer had floated away in the Oklahoma breeze.
“What does it say about a person,” she continued, “when they aren’t even loveable enough for their own parent to want to be with them? When their own parent can’t even love them?”
“It doesn’t say anything at all about you,” Joshua responded. “This is about your father and his problems, not you. You’re worthy to be loved, Attie. You are loved.”
She let out a bitter laugh and then turned silent and still.
A hush fell over the pasture. There was no sound, and the hairs on the back of my neck stood up. I was terrified for her.
In what seemed like slow motion and without turning around, Joshua reached back as Nicole slowly walked up to him, pulled out a syringe, and handed it to him. He pulled off the protective cap, handed the cap back to his wife, and then she fell to her knees and began praying.
I could see Joshua’s mouth moving; he was talking to Attie as he slowly started walking toward her. Nicole’s lips were moving. I knew she was praying out loud, but I couldn’t hear sound. Out of my five senses, the only one that worked was my sight.
I watched completely helpless as Attie screamed. Her head shook, and her arms violently thrashed around in the air. Thankfully, I couldn’t hear her cries. I couldn’t have borne to hear her cry out in pain.
Joshua motioned for Dad to join him, which he did, and the two of them quickly approached Attie. Before she had the chance to react, Dad held her tightly in his arms, and Joshua injected her with the syringe. She stood wailing with my dad holding her until she went limp. Joshua and Dad caught her as she fell to the ground. For the time being, they ended her pain.
Joshua picked her up and carried her inside with Nicole and Mom a few steps behind. Dad and I were left alone in the pasture.
Unable to move my legs, I fell to the ground. I wanted to chase after her, to tell her everything was going to be all right, but I wasn’t even sure if that was true. There was a possibility that things would never be all right again.
Dad sat down next to me and putting his arms around me pulled me to his chest as I cried.
“It’s okay, buddy, let it out,” he encouraged. “Let it all out.”
After several minutes I finally regained my composure. “I don’t know what to say to her anymore, Dad. I can’t rationalize any of this crap. How much does one person have to take?”
“I don’t know; I can’t answer that.”
“Where is God, and why isn’t he helping her? I don’t see him at work at all.”
“Be careful going down that road, son.”
“Why? It’s what I’m thinking. Isn’t he all-knowing? Doesn’t he already know my thoughts anyway?”
“Yes.”
“I’m angry with him, and he knows it; no sense in pretending that I’m not.”
“I guess I’m angry with him too.”
“Where is he? Why doesn’t he do something? Why aren’t we seeing him at work here? He could have made her dad come back.”
“God gave us free will, Riley. You have to know that God doesn’t want any of this for Attiline. He wanted her dad to come back, but Eddie chose not to.”
“God could have changed his heart, softened it toward her or something.”
“If God made us do things, what would be the point in having us at all? If you knew that I only loved you because I didn’t have a choice, I had to, would that mean anything to you? Would you feel loved at all?”
“I guess not.”
“Free will is wonderful and horrible at the same time. Unfortunately, we make poor choices and end up hurting not only ourselves but those around us as well. Yes, God could have made Eddie come home, but I’ll bet that Attiline would only want him here if he wanted to be. There’d be no joy for her otherwise.
“It’s the fact that love is a choice that makes it so special. Choosing to love someone, regardless of our circumstances, is what makes love worthwhile.”
“I do love her.”
“I know.”
“No, you don’t. I mean, I’m in love with her. I was gonna talk to you today, to tell you and to ask for your permission to date her.”
“Riley, give me some credit; I’m not a complete idiot. You think I didn’t know you two were crazy about each other?”
I sat up and looked at him. He was laughing and shaking his head at me. “I can’t believe you lasted this long.”
“You know?”
“Who doesn’t?”
“Mom even knows?”
“Your mom saw it the night Attiline got here. We knew it would only be a matter of time.”
I shook my head. “Unbelievable.”
“You two have been close your entire lives; you share a very special bond. Nobody’s surprised here.”
“Well, what do we do now? We waited all summer for her to move out of the house so we could go out on a date; now she’s not moving out at all.”
Dad was laughing at me again. “You’re joking, right?”
“Whaddya mean?”
“This entire summer has been one long date. You’ve hardly been apart.”
“Well, that may be true.” I had to concede that fact, in anyone else’s book, what we’d been doing all summer was dating. “Okay, let me clarify. I meant that we waited to officially date, to allow ourselves to … oh forget it.”
“I know what you’re saying; I understand.” He gave me a pat on the back and then left his hand on my shoulder. “Look, in a couple of days, when she’s feeling better, the four of us need to sit down and come to some sorta agreement, an understanding. I trust you two; you’ve proven yourselves trustworthy all summer. We just need to sit down and talk it through.”
“Really? You’re okay with this?”
“I’m okay as long as there are some boundaries in place, but let’s talk more about it later.”
“Okay, thanks, Dad. I feel much better getting it all out there in the open.”
“Well, evidently you two are the only people in town who don’t think it’s already been out in the open.” He laughed again but soon turned serious. “But Riley, if this goes badly and you two break up—”
“I know, Dad.”
“You’re gonna have to move out. I’m pretty sure that we like Attiline more than you.”
We laughed together. “I can’t blame you for that.”
“Should we go inside and see how she’s doing?” he asked.
We made our way inside and found everyone but Attie sitting in th
e family room.
“I put her upstairs in her bed,” Joshua informed.
I started to make my way up the stairs. “I’m gonna check on her; she needs me.”
“She’s out like a light, Riley,” Joshua said. “She won’t even know you’re there.”
“You’re wrong, Joshua,” I replied. “She’ll know.”
chapter 31
(Attie)
There was a small knock on my bedroom door.
“Attiline, can I come in? I’ve brought you some food.”
“Yes, of course.” Still groggy, I watched as Pops walked in carrying a tray of food. “Thanks so much. I had no idea how much time had passed; I’m famished.”
“We thought you might be.” He set the tray onto my desk and started to leave the room. “I’ll go tell Riley that you’re awake.”
“Actually, would you mind keeping me company while I eat? Something tells me Riley’s spent plenty of time up here. He probably needs a break.”
A smile spread across his face. “I would love to sit with you.”
“Goody.”
“I’m glad that you were able to get some rest,” he said as he sat down on the foot of my bed.
“Yes, I was out like a light. I don’t know what Joshua gave me, but that stuff worked. I don’t remember having a thought, let alone a bad dream.” As I took a bite of cheesy spaghetti, my taste buds came to life. “I love it when Marme makes this stuff. It’s one of my favorites.”
“That’s nothing. She’s fixing up a whole smorgasbord down there, all your favorites.”
“Bless her heart; she didn’t need to do that.”
“You know Molly; it’s as much for her as it is for you. She needed to keep herself occupied. Otherwise, she would have been up here every five minutes checking on you.”
“She could have; I wouldn’t have minded.”
“It would have made two of them. I think Riley wore grooves into the stairs.”
“Of course, I think he takes all of this as personally as I do.”
“I think you might be right.” He nodded. “So enough small talk, Attiline, how are you holding up?”
“Better than I would have thought. I’m confused more than anything.”