He stood and walked over to the wall of sketches. “I think we all are. It isn’t natural behavior for a parent, and especially not Eddie.”
“You know, when I look at that picture of my dad and me, it doesn’t even seem real.”
He turned to face me. “Why is that you think?”
“That’s not who we are anymore, at least not since the accident. He isn’t the same person he used to be. I don’t know if you’d even recognize him. I sure don’t.”
He sat back down on the bed and watched me as I spoke.
“Did you know that he didn’t even pick me up to bring me home from the hospital? He sent his nurse.”
“What?” Anger and anguish surrounded his voice.
“He never came to see me in the hospital, not once. Then the day I came home, he came up with some excuse as to why he couldn’t come get me. Patty dropped me off at the house and then left me there all by myself.”
“Oh, Attiline, I don’t even know what to say to that. You’re breaking my heart.”
“After the accident, it was like some switch turned off in his soul, and he became a completely different person. I went from being the center of his world to someone that he couldn’t bear to be around.”
“So why the Christmas picture?”
“I don’t know. I came home from school, and the photographer was all set up in our living room. It took about twenty minutes to take the pictures, and then as soon as we were finished, Dad went back to work. For twenty minutes I got to see my dad the way he used to be, and I remember sitting there thinking maybe he’d woken up out of his fog, maybe we’d be back to normal. But as quickly as he came back to me, he left.”
We sat in silence as we looked back at the picture for several moments.
“When he walked back out the door, I was afraid that day that I’d lost both of my parents in the accident. Pops, a man is walking around in my father’s body, but he isn’t my dad. He isn’t the man that I grew up knowing, loving, and admiring. My dad’s gone; I realize that. I woke up in the hospital an orphan, and I think that I’ve known it all along but didn’t want to admit it.”
“Attiline,” he said, patting a spot next to him on the bed, “come sit by me for a minute.”
I obliged.
“Did you know that apart from the doctor and nurses, I was the first person to hold you after you were born?”
“What? Nobody ever told me that.”
He gave me a proud nod. “Yep, it was one of the greatest joys of my life.”
“Will you tell me about it?”
He seemed excited to have the opportunity to share the story. “Well, your mom was at our house one night for dinner. Your dad was at school for something; I’m not sure what. Anyway, Elizabeth went into labor, and since the twins were so small, Molly had to stay at home with them while I ran your mom to the hospital.”
“Oh my gosh.”
“As you already know, she ended up having an emergency c-section, and I went into the operating room with her. When they pulled you out, you were screaming your head off.”
“Not much has changed, huh?” I was still crying and screaming all the time.
“They weighed you and checked your vitals and then wrapped you up in a blanket. You stopped crying as soon as they handed you to me.”
I thought of Riley. “The ability to soothe me must run in your family.”
“Apparently. Anyway, I showed you to your mom, and she told me that your name would be Atticus. You started crying again … ”
“Probably because I heard my name.”
“Who can blame you?” He laughed. “So, to try to soothe you, I started singing an old Neil Diamond song called ‘Sweet Caroline,’ but for some reason I sang the words ‘Sweet Attiline’ instead.
“That’s where my nickname came from?”
“Yep. I’ve called you Attiline since moments after you were born and looked up at me with those big beautiful eyes. It was love at first sight. You’ve always been Attiline to me.”
“I’ve always wondered where it came from. Thanks for sharing that story with me.”
“You’re welcome, but I didn’t tell you that story so you would know why I gave you your nickname.”
“Why then?”
Picking up my hands, he gave them a gentle squeeze.
“Because I want you to know that you didn’t become an orphan the day of the accident. From the first moment I laid eyes on you, I loved you like you were my own child. Attiline, God is all-knowing and all-powerful. Seventeen years ago he joined our hearts together, and now here we are helping each other, salvaging each other.”
“Salvaging each other, what do you mean?”
“It’s when you save or rescue something that’s been damaged or rejected. They salvage old car parts or ships in order to repair them or take their most valuable parts and reuse them.”
“Psalm 18,” I whispered.
“Psalm 18?”
“While I was in the hospital, I kept going back to the same scripture in the Bible, but I couldn’t figure out why. It was Psalm 18:16 through 19.”
“What does it say?”
He reached down from on high and took hold of me; he drew me out of deep waters. He rescued me from my powerful enemy, from my foes, who were too strong for me. They confronted me in the day of my disaster, but the Lord was my support. He brought me out into a spacious place; he rescued me because he delighted in me. (niv)
Not surprising to either of us, I started to cry. “Yes, I’ve been salvaged.”
“We all have,” he added.
“Charlie?” Riley appeared in the doorway holding Baby.
“I’ll take your tray downstairs, Attiline. Thanks for letting me visit with you.” He kissed me on the forehead and grabbed my tray.
Riley waited for his dad to leave the room and then walked over and sat cross-legged on the floor next to my bed.
“You okay, Charlie?”
I slid off the bed, sat on the floor next to him, and removed Baby from his arms.
“I’m better.” I kissed Baby on the head and gave her a small hug before putting her onto the ground. “I believe the worst has already happened. What else could go wrong?” I tried to lighten the mood, but looking at Riley, it was apparent he wasn’t going to cheer up.
“I don’t know why God keeps allowing bad things to happen to you.” His eyes were focused on Baby as she scampered around the room. “You’d think he’d give you a freakin’ break. How much can one person be expected to take?”
“Don’t talk like that.”
I noticed Baby was about to head out of the bedroom and got up to grab her. Riley jumped up as well and laid my desk chair on its side in the doorway as a barrier to keep the puppy in the room with us. We then sat back down on the floor.
“I’m serious,” he continued. “I can’t even wrap my mind around it. What happened to God’s love or his protection? You’re getting the crap beaten out of you on a daily basis, and it’s not like you did anything to deserve it. Enough’s enough already.”
“Please don’t be angry; it doesn’t help.”
“I can’t help it. My faith is shrinking by the minute, and I’m so angry I can hardly breathe.”
I moved so that I was sitting in front of him and our knees were touching.
“Trust me, I know how you feel, but being angry doesn’t help. Anger’s what caused me to run off to New York City, and I can tell you right now, being angry and running away didn’t solve anything. As a matter of fact, it caused more problems.
“There’s no doubt this ordeal has been painful and very grueling. It’s been tiring and I want it over, but I don’t believe God’s abandoned me. I still believe that God loves
me and that I can depend on him. There hasn’t been one second where I’ve felt like he wasn’t with me, even yesterday out there screaming in the backyard. I was filled with so much grief that it felt like the only way I’d survive is to somehow get it all out, but even then I knew God was still with me. I saw Jesus there. I saw him crying with me, and I knew that he hurt just as much as I did and he’d have done anything for the circumstances to change. For almost a year, I didn’t have anyone but him. He’s been very faithful. He’s never left my side.”
“Your situation hasn’t gotten better; it’s gotten worse.”
“That’s not true.” I grabbed his hands. “It’s gotten so much better.”
“How?”
“For starters, I’ve got you. Not to mention your parents and great new friends. God’s used all of you in different ways to help me heal and enjoy life again. I don’t even think I can explain how much that means to me. Plus, the nightmares are fewer and fewer. We’re even getting some sleep.”
“Your dad just deserted you. I would call that getting worse.”
“He didn’t just desert me; that’s not a new development. He left me a year ago. I’ve known since I woke up in the hospital that he didn’t want me around anymore.
“When I took off for New York City, I hoped that he would care enough to come looking for me … to make some sort of effort, but he didn’t.”
“Is that why you were surprised that I came looking for you at the river?”
“I would have understood if you hadn’t.”
“I would never do that. I could never let you go that easy.”
“I bet Dad didn’t think he ever would either.”
“I’m not him.”
“I realize that. I also realize that he’s been gone for a long time and I’ve known it all along. I just couldn’t seem to admit it to myself.” I was silent for a few moments as I watched Baby climb into Riley’s lap. “God loves me, Riley. The fact that he brought me here is proof of that.”
He didn’t look convinced.
“You know, your dad gave me the best word to describe what God did for me.”
“What’s that?”
“Salvaged.”
“Salvaged?”
“I was alone, literally in a pit. I spent hours and hours alone every day with nobody to talk to. My only hope was the Lord, his presence. Talking to Jesus was the thing that kept me from losing my mind. Although saying that out loud seems to make the point of my sanity a debatable issue.”
“Don’t say that. You’re the sanest person I know.”
Out of the blue the visualization of the word salvaged hit me. “God reached in, grabbed me, and salvaged me from my depths of despair. He brought me here where I could be restored, and he used you and everyone else here to do it. That’s God’s mercy, his grace, and his love. I can’t imagine a better picture of it.”
Riley was crying. “I guarantee, Charlie, you know how to turn me into a blubbering idiot.”
“Crying is my specialty.”
“Tell me about it.” He looked up at me and grinned.
“Riley, please don’t carry an offense against God on my behalf. I’m going to be fine.”
“I’ll try not to. It’s so difficult; none of this is reasonable.”
“If everything was easy or made sense, why would we need faith?”
“Okay, now you’re just showing off, sounding like some dang spiritual guru or something.”
I removed Baby from his lap and climbed into the spot she vacated. He wrapped his arms around me and laid his head against mine.
Several minutes passed before I spoke again. “I think I know how to make the nightmares start to go away.”
“You do?” he asked.
“Yes.”
“How?”
“I think it starts with making a phone call.”
“Are you sure you’re ready?”
“No.” My chest quivered as anxiety rushed into my body.
“What are you gonna say?”
“I have no idea. I pray that God will give me the words.”
I got out of his lap, took a seat at the desk, picked up the phone, and dialed the number.
Taking a deep breath, I waited for someone to answer the phone.
“Hello?” The sound of his voice made my legs go weak, and I was grateful to be sitting down. I hadn’t heard his voice in months.
“Dad.”
“Attie?” He immediately started crying, and although he was speaking, I couldn’t understand his words.
It felt like my heart stopped beating.
“Dad … Dad, it’s all right. Please don’t cry.”
I remained calm as my father wept on the other end of the line. I remained composed, if for no other reason than that I had no emotion left to display.
“Forgive me,” he muttered. “I just couldn’t tell you.”
“I do, Dad, I do forgive you. I’m deeply, deeply hurt, but I forgive you.”
His words continued to be unrecognizable.
“Dad, I’m going to hang up now. I just wanted to call and tell you that I love you and that I’m all right. I’m in good hands here, and I’m very happy. You can come back whenever you’re ready, and if you’re never ready, I’ll be okay with that too. All right?”
He didn’t answer.
“I’ll talk to you soon, Dad. Good-bye.” I hung up the phone knowing that in reality I wouldn’t be talking to him anytime soon at all.
“Are you okay?”
“Yes. It’s strange; as I talked to him I didn’t really think of him as my dad. Like I told Pops, the man I grew up knowing is gone. The man I just talked to was a complete stranger. Even his voice sounded different. It’s like there was no connection whatsoever.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Maybe one day my dad will come back to life. Maybe I’ll see him again, who knows.”
“Is there anything I can do to help?”
“Not anything you haven’t done already. I think I killed my biggest monster. We should sleep more peacefully from now on.”
“I hope so,” he whispered.
I walked over to him and climbed back into his lap.
“So what’s on the movie agenda tonight?” I asked.
“Um, Dad and Mom wanna talk to us.”
“About what?”
“They figured us out.”
“Figured us out?”
“Yeah, evidently we haven’t hidden our interest in each other very well.”
“How long have they known?”
“All summer.”
“You’re kidding?”
“No. Clearly, we’re horrible actors.”
“We haven’t liked each other all summer,” I clarified.
“Speak for yourself.”
chapter 32
“There she is,” Pops announced as I made my way into the room.
“Well, this is highly awkward,” I admitted.
“You sure know how to draw a crowd.” Nicole jumped up and gave me a hug. “Are you okay?”
“Yes.” I gave her a squeeze before she released me to sit back down with the others. Pops stood up and motioned for me to take his vacant seat. “Is court now in session?” I asked.
Pops laughed. “What court is that?”
“The one that decides that fate of my relationship with Riley.”
“Is it a relationship?” Joshua asked, looking at me.
“Not yet,” I answered. “Maybe not ever. I guess that depends on what all of you think.”
“Do you like him?” Joshua asked bluntly.
I looked over at Riley. He gazed ba
ck at me. “Yes.”
Joshua looked at Riley. “Do you like her?”
“Obviously.” His eyes stayed locked on mine as he spoke.
I gave him a small grin and a wink. We’d been looking forward to being together for the majority of the summer, and we were prepared to present our case to the jury.
“Well.” Pops lifted himself so that he was sitting on the kitchen counter. “As I told Riley yesterday, this is no surprise to anyone in the room, Attiline. We’ve all known for months … no, years, that Riley was interested in you. Molly and I discussed it when Eddie first asked if you could stay with us for the summer. We expected Riley’s feelings but weren’t sure if you would reciprocate. Evidently you do.”
I nodded in acknowledgement.
He shrugged. “Far be it for us to stand in the way of true love, right, Molly?”
She enthusiastically nodded her blonde head. “Right.”
He continued. “I don’t wanna take the joy away from the fact that you’re gonna be living with us for a while. We’re thrilled about that. But this does complicate things. Joshua, you wanna jump in here?”
“Of course.” Joshua stood and walked over to join Pops at the counter. “We support you two. We love you, and we want you to be happy, whether that means you date or you don’t. I’ve spent hours with each of you, and I know where you are spiritually, personally, emotionally, physically, all of it. I’ve told your parents that I trust you. I believe that you two will respect any boundaries that we, your support group so to speak, put into place.”
“Thank you,” Riley spoke, but his eyes remained locked on me.
I removed my gaze from Riley and saw Joshua pull a folded-up piece of paper from his back pocket.
“We’ve written down some guidelines that we would like to share with you.” He unfolded the piece of paper and read from it. “First, you may no longer enter each other’s rooms. If you want to talk to each other, one of you better be on the other side of the doorway.”
Riley and I both nodded in agreement.
“Second, you may not be alone in any room of the house with the door shut.”
I visualized the house and realized that the boundary was redundant seeing as how our bedrooms were pretty much the only rooms we went into that had doors on them. But I kept my mouth shut and nodded at the second condition.