I couldn’t see his expression, but I could feel him, inside me. Our breathing had become a unit. I had never felt closer to anyone in my life.
When I heard him moan “Jacqueline,” my name, I quickly sucked on the bottom of his ear, while digging my fingernails gently into his back, his shoulders. I loved the way he shuddered from it and then I felt him come. He was breathing heavily and deeply and I realized something in that moment—I had never felt more passion in my entire life.
Lee
As great as the sex was, her clinger status and obvious secrets were a little alarming.
I had been home in Hawaii for a week and Jacqueline had managed to call me three times and text me nine. All were met with silence. When someone liked me, this quick, this fast—I ran the other way every time as if on cue. Jacqueline was no different.
I wanted to remain friends—I didn’t want to push her away entirely but she was coming on just a bit too strong for my taste.
I knew how fragile she was though. I knew if I gave her an inch, she’d steal a mile. I knew we both weren’t ready for a full blown committed relationship, we both had issues that needed to be addressed.
So I cut off all communication. It was the only way; a clean break. I deleted and blocked her on my messenger services along with Facebook, then blacklisted her number so I couldn’t receive calls or texts from her. It was low of me, I know, but I had to do it.
And then I went straight into my guilt-driven destruction mode. Booze—girls—what I was best at.
It didn’t mean that I didn’t come home and stare at my computer screen for hours contemplating apologizing. Wondering how she was taking my disappearance. I felt like the biggest ass on the face of the planet. But I never broke. My stone, cold façade held up along with my ice cold heart.
I had thrown myself so entirely back into work, my entire body was sore. I was barely walking normal from the ass kicking I had given myself in the gym when one of my regular clients Kim eyed me up and down like I was a piece of meat.
We had had our history, Kim and me. It mainly consisted of drunken hook-ups only one of us could remember clearly the next morning and one unforgettable pregnancy scare. I hadn’t ventured back since it scared me shitless. But I couldn’t deny how sexy it was that she never broke a sweat once in my kick-butt work out. It was a rarity almost never seen.
Her long brown hair cascaded over her shoulders and her side swept bangs were enough to make any guy tongue-tied.
Her chocolate eyes stared into mine deeply. “Lee,” she murmured.
“Kim,” I followed her lead.
“So you never finished telling me about Montana.” She wiped the back of her neck with a towel.
“There’s not much to tell. It was cold and miserable.”
“Well that’s unfortunate,” she replied, biting her bottom lip playfully, still eye-fucking me.
I shrugged. “No biggie.” I wiped the sweat beads off my face and picked up my gym bag.
“Got any plans tonight?” Kim asked, in tow with me.
I glanced down at her. “Yeah, I have a date with my pillow.” It wasn’t entirely a lie, I hadn’t been sleeping all that well the past week.
She smiled shyly back at me. “Well if you find yourself bored, I’m having a few people over to my place. It’d be fun to hang out like old times.”
I smiled back at her with my most charming smile, one that could deceive anyone with a heart. “I’ll definitely keep that in mind. You did a great job today Kim, I’m really impressed.”
She blushed then, looking away embarrassed. “I have a really great trainer.”
I smiled once more, then exited the building towards my car. I needed no reassurance. I knew I was the world’s best trainer.
I turned on my car and the first song that came on hit me like a ton of bricks. It was Royals by Lorde, it was all the craze and very much overplayed—but it only made me think of one thing…or should I say one person, Jacqueline.
She had made me listen to the Lorde cd on repeat my entire trip—but secretly I loved every second of it. I came to love the haunting voice in the tracks and knew almost all the words to the cd by the time she dropped me off at the airport the last day.
Those were the last lyrics I heard as I climbed out of her car that chilly December morning. Those were the words that convinced me we could never work. They were what caused me to push her away.
I gave her a long hug and brushed my lips against hers stiffly before turning my back and walking away. Leaving her behind.
Fourteen – Radio Silence
Jacqueline
I had been duped.
Yep, you heard me right. I, Jacqueline Blunt had opened my heart for only the second time in my life only to have it crushed.
The worst part about it was not knowing why he never returned my texts—my phone calls.
After all of the radio silence I got from Lee, I decided not to dwell on it any more. Why was I wasting my time and energy on someone who wouldn’t do the same for me?
It was the most rational I had been in years. It felt like my medicine was actually working this time. It surprised me.
Lee had left for Hawaii almost three weeks ago and I had spent practically every day with Travis. I began to see him through different eyes. Anyone who could handle that much of me was special. Travis never ran; I never scared him away. In fact, I had never felt closer to him in my entire life.
The new feelings were overwhelming and unexpected. And the reappearance of butterflies in my stomach was enough to make anyone nauseous.
Travis knew me. He knew almost all of me—more than anyone else—and it didn’t scare him away. I found myself daydreaming of his dashing smile and kind eyes. He was handsome, undoubtedly.
Am I really entertaining this idea?
Yes, yes…in fact, for the first time in my entire life I could picture my best friend in the romantic sense. He never pursued me—pressured me, but I could feel us growing closer with each passing night.
Last night we had been watching a movie and fell asleep…together. I awoke to his arms wrapped around me tightly and he had this smirk plastered across his face; all the while dead asleep. I liked the feeling of being in his arms…it felt safe.
He didn’t know it, but I kissed him while he was sleeping. I couldn’t help it…he just looked so peaceful. It was only a peck—and light as a feather—but I couldn’t deny that things had changed.
“Are you okay?” Travis asked me from the other side of the couch. He had come over an hour earlier for our usual Walking Dead night, but I was having trouble acting normal after the epiphany I had had.
I swallowed loudly, attempting to come up with the best answer—the one that would get him off my back.
“Yeah, I’m fine,” I replied in a small voice.
“Well, are you cold?”
I shook my head no, silently.
“Then why are you shaking like that?”
I looked down at my body quickly then. He was right—I was shaking something fierce. Travis was making me nervous…when had that ever happened?
My behavior was surprising the both of us. I could feel him inching closer—the hammering of my heart against my chest.
“Why are you acting so strange?” He nudged me playfully with his shoulder.
I looked down and away, afraid if he saw my eyes, he would realize what I had…I had been blind for far too long.
I wince as I hear my stomach grumble loudly.
“Whoa, was that you?” Travis laughs, unable to stop himself.
I shove him gently before opening my locker to grab my English textbook out.
“When is the last time you ate?” Travis asks, no apparent concern for overstepping.
“I had lunch,” I whisper, my stomach taking on a starring role with its loudness. I blush, embarrassed.
“We haven’t even had lunch yet,” Travis chuckles softly before it hit him. “Wait…you’re talking about lunch yesterday?”
>
I can’t even look him in the eye.
“What is going on now?” Travis eyes me down sympathetically.
“LaToya is just being a bitch,” I answer, wishing it was as simple as that.
“What did you do?” Travis asks, his eyebrows raising animatedly.
I hold my hands up in the air, in surrender. “I didn’t do anything—I swear.”
Travis cracks a smile. “Come on, we’re going to be late for class.” He tugs on my arm, leading the way.
***
My stomach is eating itself, burning me from the inside. A pain I am becoming far too familiar with…
Normally I would count down the minutes until I got to eat, but today is different…Janice and LaToya jumped me before school and stole the small bit of lunch money I had.
So much for quieting the monster in my stomach down.
Even though being in the cafeteria is going to be the worst kind of torture—it is something I will have to learn to endure because Travis is not going to change his routine for me.
I plop myself down next to Travis just as the bell signaling lunch silences.
He stares at me and my empty hands. “No lunch today?”
I shrug, doing my best not to let him pity me. I can take care of myself. “Not hungry,” I lie as my stomach growls louder than I’ve ever heard before.
Travis opens his brown bag, the one his mother has been packing him since kindergarten and then looks back at me.
“Turkey or ham?”
“Huh?” I ask, clueless, watching him reach into the paper bag and pull out two sandwiches.
My eyes are fixated on the sandwich in his left hand. I can basically feel my mouth salivating. I don’t say a word, just grab the turkey sandwich out of his hands. I’m pretty sure I inhale the entire thing in one bite. Nothing has ever tasted as heavenly.
Over the rest of the year, he continues to bring a lunch for the both of us. I don’t know what I did to deserve him…but he is the reason I wake up in the morning from my shitty life and vow to be a better person. He is the most incredible best friend a girl could ever ask for.
Fifteen – Total Blackout
Lee
“Is that all you’ve got?” I egged Austyn on. She was in Hawaii visiting for a few days and I hadn’t let her rest for a second. She was one of the only people in the world who could keep up with me—I chucked it up to all of our play time as children.
Austyn gave me a death glare, sending me into a round of chuckles to which were met with harder punches, faster kicks.
I held the bag tightly as she let her rage for me out on it. Before she finally fell to the floor, breathing deeply.
“Much better.” I crouched beside her.
“Thanks douche,” she laughed then grabbed for her towel and wiped her face and neck off.
“I wish more of my clients were like you.” I took a swig off of my water bottle.
“What? Put up with your shit?” She stuck her tongue out at me playfully.
“No, just up for the challenge.”
“What happened with Jacqueline?” She went there. As much as Austyn knew I hated talking about my relationships, she knew I couldn’t lie to her.
“It just didn’t work out,” I answered simply, standing up, hoping she would drop it, but she didn’t take the hint.
“Was she ugly?” She asked; Jacqueline’s angelic face popped into my head then.
“No.”
“Is she a bitch?” Austyn pressed, jumping to her feet.
I sighed loudly, taking a few steps toward the doors. “Kind of, look it’s complicated—will you drop it?”
“Why do you always do this?” Austyn asked then, walking towards me.
“Do what?” I asked, clueless.
“Push away the people who care about you most?” She had hit the nail on the head.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I continued with my denial.
“You don’t even have to tell me…I can read it all over your face. She came on too strong and it scared you off.” Austyn’s assessment of me was spot on, unfortunately.
“It’s so much more than that Austyn…” I trailed off as I began walking towards the locker rooms.
“Oh yeah? What scared Lee Bennett off—tell me,” she challenged me.
I lowered my voice as we weren’t alone and closed the distance between us. “Listen, she’s unstable—she is bipolar—and I’m positive that’s not her only secret.
“Oh boo-hoo, when has Lee Bennett ever shied away from a challenge? I think a little crazy is exactly what you need.”
Her response had me all sorts of confused. My mind was at an all-time tug-of-war in the shower, on the drive home from the gym, and now back in the solace of my own house.
Austyn skipped the shower at the gym and had opted to wait until we returned to my house. When I heard the water of the shower ricocheting off the glass, I hopped on my computer.
It didn’t take me long to realize that Jacqueline was online. I had unblocked her a few days ago out of curiosity and had planned to re-block her—it just hadn’t happened yet.
I opened a conversation to type to her multiple times, only to close it out in the end, nothing in the box.
Did I really want to open the gates of hell? Jacqueline was a handful—I was learning this firsthand. Was I really ready for all that…crazy?
The answer was no when I heard the bathroom door begin to creak open and I closed out of the messenger service entirely.
Jacqueline
I had never planned it. Oddly enough it always seemed to be a reckless last minute decision that landed me in these situations.
I was doing the dishes when I heard the phone ring. After turning the faucet off and drying my hands I answered on the fourth ring.
It was a recording. This is a collect call from an inmate inside the Montana Department of Corrections. To accept this call press one.
My heart was in my throat; my eyes darting around the room rapidly. There was only one inmate I knew—my mother. Someone I hadn’t heard from since I was thirteen.
One push and I would be reunited with my mother of the year…curiosity got the best of me as I accepted the call.
“Jacquie? Jacquie? Are you there?” It was surprising to me that after five years I could recognize her hoarse voice.
“It’s Jacqueline,” I answered after a few minutes of silence.
“Jacqueline, right, listen up, I missed you baby.”
I wanted to jump through the phone and strangle her. If it wasn’t for my medicine calming me down and the obvious obstacles between us, I might have actually gone postal.
“How are you? Are you good?” Her questions broke into my thoughts.
The fact that she was being friendly and acting as if nothing ever happened was driving me nuts.
“I’m fine, no thanks to you.” My words came out like a tight whip.
“Look, I understand that you’re angry with me. But I want to make it up to you.” I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.
“Make it up to me? Not possible,” I hissed, angrily.
“I was calling to invite you to the DOC so we could talk.” Her voice never wavered, I had to give it to her.
“And what could we possibly have to talk about?” I snapped.
“Anything—everything.”
I slammed the phone closed without another word. She was asking too much. She knew exactly what she put me through as a child and although she knew nothing of my life in foster care—I wanted to avoid that conversation altogether if possible.
I couldn’t see straight—couldn’t think straight—just went into autopilot, locking myself into the bathroom and reaching for my blade.
That was the last thing I remembered. Then suddenly there were loud bangs and I could faintly hear someone yelling my name.
“Jacqueline, open this door now.”
Boom.
Travis?
My eyes were fluttering open a
nd closed. I was fighting my weakness with everything I had in me.
The last thing I caught was the bathroom door roughly being kicked in and then the darkness took me over.