His expression was completely unreadable. At first, I thought it was purely anger that was reflecting in his azure gaze until I realized anger didn’t even begin to classify the intensity of emotion that was obviously plaguing him. Unable to confront the raw truth of Sinjin’s eyes, I dropped my attention onto the floor, finding solace in the fact that I didn’t have to consider whatever else was going through Sinjin’s head.
What if he thinks of you differently now? That voice inside my head suddenly piped up. What if his opinion of you changed? What if he doesn’t consider you to be the proud warrior he once did? What if he pities you now? Or thinks of you as a weakling who can’t protect herself?
What if Sinjin lost respect for you?
I shook my head, forcing the ugly thoughts right out. But the invasive silence did nothing to diminish the onslaught of questions that puzzled me. Suddenly, I had to break the silence; one of us had to speak in order to end the conflict taking place inside my head.
“Can we go now?” I asked. My voice sounded hollow and just a decibel or so above a whisper.
But Sinjin didn’t respond. He just continued standing there and staring at me with a stone face, his expression completely unreadable. His jaw looked so tight, I worried he might crack one of his teeth.
“Sinjin,” I said, instinctively reaching for him. However, thinking better of it, I allowed my hand to drop back to my side. I wasn’t sure why, but the thought suddenly occurred to me that maybe he didn’t want me to touch him. Maybe he considered me polluted or contaminated.
You aren’t polluted or contaminated! I defended myself, angry to have even conceived of such an idea in the first place. There’s nothing wrong with you, Bryn! And damn anyone who thinks or says otherwise!
“Let’s get back to the car,” I faux-begged Sinjin. I suddenly had the irresistible urge to get as far away from the restroom as possible. But still, Sinjin said nothing. He just stood there with his stoic, poker face and successfully gave nothing away. There was no other moment in our shared history when I wanted to read his private thoughts as much as I did right then. Yes, I could have attempted the task, but I knew I’d never venture past the fortress of his walls. I’d never been able to in the past, so it was silly for me to even consider it now. Sinjin was and probably would remain the only person who I couldn’t read, despite how much it frustrated me to admit as much. What was more, I didn’t want to deal with the inordinate sense of disappointment that would surely ensue if I attempted to read him again and failed again.
Since I couldn’t read Sinjin’s mind, my second strongest urge was to escape. I needed a safe place to retreat, if only to consider what I’d just admitted to him and to promise myself I would never discuss it with anyone ever again. I had to lock that private information deep inside the vault of my mind. I couldn’t stomach having it resurface again. It was too painful to relive the anguish evoked by the memories, and there was no way I felt strong enough to face the pain ever again.
“Who was it?” Sinjin’s voice sounded steely, and rough, as it broke the long silence.
Bringing my eyes to his, I immediately regretted it. His face remained a blank slate in direct contrast with his eyes. They still burned with emotions I couldn’t identify. “I don’t want to talk about this anymore,” I replied. I slipped the lock of the stall door aside so I could leave. Once beyond the confines of the stall, I happily noticed I could breathe a little more easily. The desire to escape from the bathroom and bar overwhelmed me and I jog-walked the remaining steps that separated me from the restroom door. Before I reached it, however, Sinjin materialized directly behind me and gripped my arm, so I had to stop walking.
“We have not finished,” he announced matter-of-factly.
“Yes, we have!” I replied angrily, turning on my heel to face him. I could feel the rage beginning to boil over inside of me. “I never want to discuss this again! Not with you, or anyone!”
Sinjin narrowed his eyes and had the expression of someone who refused to be sated so easily. “Who violated you?” he repeated, as if he hadn’t heard me or just didn’t care. It was probably the latter …
“You are relentless,” I said, glaring up at him. My attention shifted briefly from the ire in his eyes to his fingers, which were wrapped around my upper arm, and none too gently.
“I apologize,” he recited with no amount of apology in his tone or his expression.
“What part of I don’t want to discuss this anymore don’t you understand?” I yelled while trying to free myself from his iron grip, which was as useless as struggling with police-issued handcuffs. “Let go of me!” I protested loudly, fully aware that I was under Sinjin’s control, although I didn’t dare admit it.
“I will not release you until you identify the filthy excuse for a man who violated you!” Sinjin railed, his words never more biting. He tightened his hold on my arm, as if to warn me that he wasn’t playing around—that he would get all the answers he sought.
It was fairly obvious that Sinjin wasn’t going to let it rest. He wouldn’t desist until he had all the information he wanted, in true Sinjin style. But I didn’t have to like it. On the contrary, I was fuming inside, but not just over his nerve. I was livid because he was insisting that I bring the ugly facts to light, which meant I would have to relive the past with every horrible word.
“Who hurt you?” he repeated, obviously getting more hell-bent on answers. “Tell me his fucking name!”
“Who is singular,” I laughed and wrenched my arm out from his grasp before rubbing the soreness from his manacle grip away.
“I do not …” Sinjin started to say, shaking his head to let me know he wasn’t following me.
“It wasn’t a he,” I repeated, my chest rising and falling more obviously with the effort to breathe. My voice had grown softer now, but no less hostile. “It was a they.”
I watched Sinjin’s left eye begin to twitch. Then, the delicious blue hues of his irises started to blanch into white. They began taking on that backlit glow that always happened whenever he became passionate about anything, be it passionately angry or just passionate. He didn’t reply, but I could tell my words made an impact on him because his fangs began lengthening. I suddenly felt very fortunate that my arm wasn’t still playing prisoner to his steely fingers. He began clenching his hands into such tight fists that I half wondered if his nails wouldn’t dig right into his palms.
“They,” he repeated as my stomach dropped because it was fairly obvious he was still going to force the subject on me. “They? There was more than one?”
“Yes,” I answered as resolutely as I could.
“Please explain.”
“You won’t give up until you know every single detail, will you?” I snapped before narrowing my gaze on him. Sinjin didn’t respond, but it wasn’t like I expected him to. We both already knew the answer to my question. “Fine. You win,” I spat out. With a deep breath, I vowed this would be the last time I ever forced myself to relive the most wretched chapter of my life.
“When I returned to the compound, of course, I was punished,” I started, to which Sinjin nodded quickly. “Part of my punishment included the removal of my title as a warrior; before being condemned to the class of the breeder,” I continued. I cringed inwardly as soon as I said the word “breeder.” Of course, Sinjin had no idea what I was talking about since he’d never heard the term before. His baffled expression revealed as much. “The breeding class is comprised of female tribespeople who are deemed too useless to serve in any capacity except their ability to procreate.”
At hearing my explanation, Sinjin cleared his throat and looked even more perturbed than he had a moment or so earlier. “Go on,” he said between stiffened lips.
I took another deep breath to calm my frantically beating heart, but it did no good. Dredging up these disgusting memories was one of the most difficult and painful things I’d ever had to do. My body responded to the assault with heart palpitations, sweaty palms and the
feeling that I was going to be sick to my stomach.
“So now that you know what a breeder is, you can probably imagine the huge slap to my face it was when Luce condemned me to becoming one,” I trailed off. Sinjin didn’t respond, but I could tell by his stiff countenance that he was having a very difficult time listening to me. “I was considered useful only insofar as my physical abilities to produce offspring were concerned.”
“I understand now,” he said quietly, obviously wanting me to finish my story. He shifted his weight from one leg to the other, and if it were possible for a six-hundred-year-old vampire to appear uncomfortable, that was exactly how he seemed. “Pray, continue.”
But for me, continuing to tell my story wasn’t as easy as it might otherwise have appeared. The closer I came to describing the first rape, the harder it was to get the words out of my mouth. I was quiet for another few seconds, trying to muster all the strength and courage I had, which wasn’t much.
“Take your time,” Sinjin encouraged me. Apparently he could sense how challenging it was for me to confide in him and relive the events that had changed me forever. “I understand how difficult this must be for you.”
I nodded as I closed my eyes and thought about the best way to describe the torture and humiliation I’d endured over the last three weeks … “Once I was labeled a breeder,” I began, now in a whisper, “it didn’t take long before the men of the tribe started coming for me.” I watched Sinjin’s eye twitching as he shifted again, looking angrier than I’d ever seen him. I figured I should just cut to the chase and spare both of us the suspense of tarrying in this uncomfortable wasteland any longer.
“I lost my virginity to two men at the same time,” I finally blurted out. Instantly, I felt like I was going to keel over and throw up; but somehow, I managed to control myself. After a few seconds of silence, I glanced up at Sinjin. He just stood there looking stunned. He actually took a step back, as if he were completely blindsided by my confession.
“Then what happened?” he asked in a hoarse voice.
“I tried to fight them off, and I managed to at first,” I replied, sounding hopeful, which I found odd. “I even broke the nose on one of the guys,” I added as an aside. I gave him a quick smile, but Sinjin’s expression was frozen. He was just as enigmatic and statue-like as before.
“But it didn’t do any good,” I said, my tone slightly laced with sadness and remorse. “I mean, it was pretty unavoidable, you know? Two men are way stronger than me; and anyway, Luce had wards in place so I was deprived of my magic. I was basically a sitting duck.” I glanced up at him, hoping he would say something, but he didn’t respond. He just stared at me with those white, glowing eyes. I sighed and dropped my attention to my fidgeting hands. Then I figured I should get the rest of the story out as quickly as possible when I felt a sting that started in the backs of my eyes. The last thing I wanted to do now was start crying.
“After a while, I learned it was better not to resist them anymore. I only ended up wearing myself out and getting even more hurt in the process,” I explained, suddenly feeling like I had diarrhea of the mouth. Words flew from my lips uncontrollably. “After I lost my virginity, countless tribesmen claimed my personal space as well as my body,” I admitted, no longer able to hold his gaze. I dropped my eyes to the floor again and forbade my tears from falling. “There were so many of them that I lost count.”
I wasn’t sure where I found the strength to do it, but I eventually brought my eyes back up to Sinjin’s. He was staring at me with another mysterious expression that I couldn’t read. I started to smile at the one positive that emerged from the pain and humiliation I’d lived through. “Maybe it was poetic justice that I wasn’t much of a breeder, much to Luce’s bitter disappointment.” I laughed, a completely humorless sound.
“I do not understand,” Sinjin said at last. His voice sounded so soft and beautiful, it made more tears start in my eyes. I blinked them back furiously, unprepared to cry in front of anyone, let alone Sinjin. I was already afraid that he thought of me differently now, and pitied me, or no longer considered me to be the strong-willed woman he’d known thus far. The last thing I wanted was for him to label me nothing more than a rape victim.
“The whole purpose of having breeders, as I told you, was for procreation,” I explained. I continued to blink back the tears, which were ready and waiting to burst forth, but I was well aware that if just one fell, there would be no turning back. I’d lose total control of myself. I couldn’t let that happen.
“Yes, I recall.”
“Well, the irony was that no matter how many men Luce sent to me, I never got pregnant. It was almost like my body refused to obey him, no matter how many men defiled it.” Sinjin’s hands fisted even more tightly at his sides and I found myself inhaling deeply. It was a few seconds that I held my breath, and my heartbeat echoed through me. I exhaled and laughed hesitantly, still trying to alleviate the mood. “I guess the ultimate joke was on Luce,” I finished, wishing I didn’t sound so completely unsure of myself and awkward. Maybe I had changed. Maybe I no longer possessed even a shred of the strong and confident woman I once was.
No, Bryn … I pleaded with myself. You know that isn’t true.
“That is a unique way of looking at things,” Sinjin announced, his eyes boring into mine.
“Why?” I asked. “I’m barren. You don’t think that’s ironic?”
“No,” he said, shaking his head. “I do not. And there is nothing about your situation that strikes me in the least bit as humorous.”
“Well, sometimes if you can’t find the humor in life’s trials, albeit dark humor in this case, the pain can eat you up from the inside,” I rationalized. Zoning out on the corner of the floor where it met the wall of the restroom, I glanced back up at Sinjin and nodded. “So you’ll have to excuse me if I think my inability to conceive was the ultimate joke where Luce is concerned.”
“The ultimate joke on Luce will arrive only when I hunt him down and rip him limb from limb,” Sinjin countered in an ice-cold tone, his eyes glowing even more fiercely.
“Sinjin,” I began, hoping to alter the direction of the conversation. “I didn’t tell you this to seek revenge on anyone.” Actually, I hadn’t even considered the idea of revenge. I was so preoccupied with getting as far away from Luce and the compound as possible that I had little room for anything else in my mind.
“I am aware,” he responded stonily. “I do not seek your revenge. Only my own.” He was quiet for a few seconds. “And my revenge will not only include Luce,” he continued, his eyes drilling into mine, “I will find every despicable man who so much as laid a finger on you, and I will make them suffer for their transgressions.”
“Sinjin, this isn’t your fight.”
“It is justice,” he argued, shaking his head fervently. “And I will relish each and every sentence I deliver,” he continued. “I will save Luce for last, of course.”
I couldn’t respond. There were too many conflicting emotions inside me. I was incredibly uneasy with the idea of Sinjin avenging me because I wasn’t sure he had a right to do so in the first place. That, and Luce wasn’t anyone to trifle with; he was incredibly powerful and Sinjin would be no match to him. At the same time, I was deeply indebted to Sinjin and somewhat amazed that I meant enough to him to make him react this way …
Or maybe this is just part of his job description, I argued mentally. You are the sister to the queen, which makes it Sinjin’s job to protect you and kill anyone who would seek to harm you …
Despite how much it pained me to admit, I figured that was a good point. Sinjin was probably just serving the duties of his post as sole protector of the royal family. The truth was he didn’t care about me on a personal level and probably never had. It made sense because, up until recently, we were permanently adversaries, and eternal opponents. Now? I wasn’t even sure what we were. Friends sounded too close and comfortable to describe our strained and bizarre relationship. Maybe we
were just casual acquaintances.
We looked at each other for a good four seconds, but neither of us said anything. Finally, I couldn’t take the silence any longer and I broke it. “So that’s it,” I said with finality. “That’s the end of the story.”
Sinjin nodded. “I appreciate you telling me.”
“Well, I didn’t have much of a choice, did I?” I asked, adopting a pedantic stance with him because I felt like my emotions were spread wide open and on display, something that made me very uncomfortable.
“I needed to know, Bryn,” Sinjin replied, his lips tightening. I wasn’t used to Sinjin calling me by my birth name and it felt awkward somehow, even strained. Ordinarily, I was “Princess” or “Bête Noire” or “pet”; all terms I was much more comfortable with. I didn’t like it when Sinjin used my real name—it sounded too formal, and too stilted.
But that would have to be contemplated another day. For now, my story was revealed and no longer a secret. And I wanted nothing more than to get out of the restroom and the awful town we were in so I could lick my wounds in privacy. I ached for the solace and comfort of the Porsche, where I could sit in the darkness and focus only on the blurry night outside my window, knowing that every mile we drove was that much farther from Luce.
As soon as I thought of the Porsche, I remembered Betta. She, no doubt, would be wondering where we both were. “Betta is waiting for us,” I said before starting for the restroom door. “We should go before she starts to worry.” I didn’t hear a response from Sinjin so I turned around to look at him. He stood in exactly the same spot, and I wondered if my words had fallen on completely deaf ears. “Sinjin?” I asked, wondering what was going through his head.