“Well he got back this morning, Alex dropped him off. Anyway, this afternoon he got worried when I said you were still asleep, when I asked him why he was so worried he informed me that you would sleep more and more before…” He couldn’t say the words we both knew he was going to speak.
“Jas, you have been sleeping so much more lately.” Even his whispers cracked with the pain of the truth of what he was saying.
“I am losing you and I can’t handle it.”
How could I tell him that he was right, that our whirlwind affair was changing course rapidly. In the last few days I felt the changes within me, everything was getting worse. I thought I could play it down but my handsome prince would never allow me to think I could hide it from him. The lump in my throat felt like it was restricting my airways, I laid side by side with him and looked in his eyes, they were full of pain, I knew mine showed the same to him.
“I don’t tell you every detail because if you don’t know I can pretend I am having a bad day and that the next day will be better.” I told him.
“You have to tell me these things Jas, I want to know what I am dealing with,” He said.
“I will from now on.” I promised him.
“I try my hardest not to think of what is going to happen but it is time I faced facts, isn’t it?” He asked.
“Yes, I don’t know how to explain it but I can feel myself getting worse. I don’t know how long I have left but nothing matters to me apart from you. You are the only one I care about,” I told him,
“I want you to know that if things were different I wouldn’t have changed anything about us at all, you would have been mine for a very long time, we would have taken the world on.”
“We haven’t done too badly so far, but I see what you’re saying. I don’t think it is possible for me to ever get over you, the way you came into my life and turned it upside down, it can never be put back, I don’t want it too.” He said honestly.
I took a deep breath ready to say the words that would break my heart even though I wouldn’t be around to see it.
“I want you to have everything you deserve and if that means in the future you meet someone else and start a family I am not selfish enough that I wouldn’t be happy for you, I never wanted your life to end when mine does.”
“Pffttt…I am not even going there, you will always be my wife Jasmine Jenson and nobody will replace you, ever,” He said.
“In time you will be happy again. I know that because I never thought I would be happy again and in this moment I couldn’t be happier and that is because of you. You have shown me how to live again, you make me feel alive and don’t for a second think I am saint for wanting you to have a life after I am gone because the thought of another women touching you and being on the receiving end of your smile makes me sick but I don’t want you to be alone for your forever.”
We both had tears running down our cheeks, he hastily wiped his away before wiping mine away too, like he always has.
“Okay that is enough of reality for tonight, say you promise and in the morning we will find something normal to do.”
I thought about it for a moment and I didn’t feel like I was going to make any false promises tonight.
“I promise I will be here in the morning.” I said as he curled closer to me.
It was still dark when I opened my eyes, the clock said seven am, my promise fulfilled to Christopher for another night. He had been very honest last night, I knew I was coming to the last hurdle of my life, we didn’t need to say how we felt about each other, we both knew. If I was to let the pain of his grief consume me I wouldn’t be able to try and enjoy what time I do have left with him. To break away from these thoughts I opted to make him breakfast in bed, well have Rose make it, I wanted him to enjoy it after all. Slowly I held on tight to the banister and walked downstairs, I kept waiting for my legs to give way but they didn’t and I made it to the kitchen where Rose was as always cooking up a storm.
“It is nice to see you up and about this morning,” She said coming to help me to the chair.
“Thank you Rose, could you help me make Christopher breakfast in bed please?” I asked knowing she would be more than willing to oblige.
“Sure,” She said gathering a tray from under the counter, “You’re not looking too good this morning Jasmine,” She noted.
“I match how I feel then.” I mumbled leaning my head on the counter top.
I stayed in that position until Rose told me breakfast was ready. She carried the tray up to our room in case I dropped the spoils on the floor. She quietly placed the tray on the bedside counter as not to wake Christopher and slipped out of the room leaving me staring at my husband, my handsome, handsome husband.
“I know your watching me,” He mumbled with his eyes still closed making me giggle.
“Good morning, I made you breakfast in bed” I told him.
“Made?” He asked teasingly.
“Okay, Rose made it and brought it up but it was my idea.” I admitted.
“Thank you,” He said sitting himself up, instead of reaching for his breakfast he reached out for me and pulled me beside him.
“How are you feeling this morning?” He asked.
He wanted the truth and I had promised him last night I wouldn’t keep anything from him no more. I held my hands up to show him how bad the tremors were.
“I feel tired and I struggled to walk up and down the stairs.” I told him truthfully.
“I see. What shall we do today?” He asked.
“I thought we could go sky diving then get drunk on cheap wine.” I said trying not to laugh.
“I hope your joking?” He said angrily.
“Of course I am joking, I would never drink cheap wine,” I said smirking, “Here, eat your breakfast before it goes cold.” I said trying to pick the tray up, when I failed he silently took it and placed it on his lap.
“There is something I want to do, I will get dressed while you eat.”
Part Two…Christopher
I slept late into the next morning, Jas was still asleep beside me, she looked at peace and I didn’t want to wake her. I thought about waking her but I opted not to deciding to go and get some breakfast. She was sleeping a lot lately, I knew it was a symptom of her tumour and it scared the hell out of me.
Rose wasn’t in the kitchen which knocked me for six, she was always in here. No doubt Jas would have called for her but I had no problem making my own breakfast or lunch seeing as it was nearly midday. I wondered if things were different and Jas wasn’t going to leave us would I ever be able to get used to living like this, not having to prepare my own food, no cleaning, being able to have anything I wanted? It would probably take a while but I am pretty sure I would cope, I am getting too used to it now. After finding the bread then the toaster I was sat at the table thinking about Jas, for some reason I felt like she was now slipping away from me. She had been slowly slipping away each day before I knew the truth but the last few days I could see she was getting worse however much she tried to hide it from me. I couldn’t imagine my life without her, one weekend was all it took for me to fall in love with her and in the last few months my love for her has only intensified. All I wanted was to make the world move for her but our movements was on a crash course straight to tragedy with no room for miracles. Every time I thought like this her voice would sound warning me I would be the only one who gets hurt, but she was hurting too, and she had a family now, they are hurting too. Here is a women who has everything and has nothing at the same time, I could never put myself in her shoes and imagine what it is like for her, I know what it is like for me and it has to be a million times worse for her.
Although I made my own breakfast I didn’t get the chance to clear my plate away as Rose was back in her domain and took it away when she saw I was finished.
“No Mrs Jenson this morning?” She asked.
“She is still in bed. You know she said you can call her Jasmine.” I said.
It was plain weird hearing her be called Mrs Jenson still.
“I know but it doesn’t feel right, she will have to wake up soon for her medication.” She said.
“Yeah, if she is not awake by one o’clock I will wake her. She had a big day yesterday.” I said.
“I will have her lunch prepared too.”
“Thank you Rose.” I said as I heard a roaring engine come around the back of the house, which could only mean Alex was here.
I grabbed my coat and boots and went out to meet him, apart from on the grass areas the snow had been cleared. I had forgotten Henry had stayed at my mothers so when he got out of the car I was taken back.
“Morning.” I said walking around to Alex who was still sitting in the car, I doubt he was going to get out of the damned thing anytime soon.
Henry thanked Alex for the ride and went into the main house, I suppose I should call it my house now, Jas had told me enough times it is mine now too.
“Should you be driving this morning?” I joked looking at his rough face.
“Ha-ha, apart from feeling a bit tender I feel fine. Thanks for saving me last night.” He said resting his head on the steering wheel.
“No problem, please don’t tell me anything about mum and Henry I just had breakfast.” I said.
“Actually he slept on the sofa or so I am told. He doesn’t seem that bad, mum has had worse.”
That was true, one guy my mum was seeing was a proper drunk, Jase and I had to throw him out one night when he raised his hand to her, lucky for him he didn’t come back. I had to admit Henry wasn’t that bad, if and I mean if things between them did get serious I know he would look after her like she deserves.
“Give him a chance, Nat tells me mum really likes him.” He said knowing how protective I can get when it comes to our mother.
“I will try, what are your plans for today?” I asked him.
“I am going home and going back to bed, I only offered him a lift so I could drive my beauty again,” He said smiling affectionately at his new set of wheels, “How is Jasmine today?” He asked.
“She is still in bed.” I said frowning.
“She is getting worse isn’t she,” It wasn’t a question more of a statement that we both knew the answer too, I didn’t reply.
“I am off, call us if you need anything.” He said revving the car.
I am glad Jas gave him this car now, he looked so happy.
“Hey before you go, Nat asked me to thank Jas last night, do you know what for?” I asked. I had forgotten to ask Jas last night.
“It seems my crazy sister-in-law has paid for her university fees with enough left over to cover childcare costs.”
“She did?”
How come I didn’t know about this?
“Yep, Nat is under the impression Jas is trying to make our lives easier so when she dies it won’t be so bad or something like that.”
“What else does Nat think?” I asked intrigued into Nat’s thoughts.
“Just that Jas doesn’t seem to grasp that we all love her for her, but she understands that Jas lives in a different world to us and that she is only trying to help.” He said. That was definitely true.
“Okay you better get home and please drive this thing carefully it is still icy out there.” I warned him.
“See you soon,” he said beginning to reverse out.
Henry was standing talking quietly with Rose when I walked through the door,
“Rose says Jasmine is still in bed,” He said sipping his coffee. He seemed worried.
“Yeah, she had a hard day yesterday, I didn’t want to wake her.” I said defending her for some reason while taking a mug of coffee of Rose.
“She has been extremely tired the last few days.” He said as if he needed to point that out to me.
“I know, it has been non-stop the last few weeks but she can rest now.” I said.
He looked at Rose before looking back at me.
“What is it Henry?” I said starting to lose my patience with him yet again when I had only just promised myself I would give him a chance.
“Nearer the end she will sleep more and more, even when she is awake she will still be extremely tired.” He explained.
I took a seat at the table afraid my legs wouldn’t support me much longer. My instincts were correct, she is getting worse but to hear it from Henry showed me it wasn’t my imagination.
“She is sleeping a hell of a lot more these days.” I whispered.
“We know.” Rose said soothingly.
“How long?” I asked as they seemed to be more in the know than I was.
“No-one knows.” Henry said.
I rested my head in my hands and began praying, it was very hypocritical of me as I didn’t believe in God but it seemed fitting at the moment and if there was a slim chance God did exist I hoped he heard my preys because I meant every word, I couldn’t lose her yet.
The afternoon passed slowly, I took my xbox up to our bedroom a while ago. I didn’t want to leave Jas on her own so I played the new games I got for Christmas while she slept. I tried waking her so she could take her medication but she only murmured she would take them later and went straight back to sleep. If it wasn’t for the fact I knew the reason why she was so tired I would be in heaven, playing the xbox for hours while my un-nagging wife lay silently beside me with no clothes on. The games weren’t holding my attention like they normally did but I forced myself to concentrate as all I would have left was to think about was how am I going to lose my wife.
“Come to bed, you can’t tell me your not tired.” Jas said.
I turned around to look at her, I hadn’t heard her wake, she must think it was still night as in last night.
“Jas, it is gone five o’clock, you slept through the day.” I told her.
I paused the game and joined her at the head of the bed.
“Yesterday must have drained me more than I thought,” She mumbled.
She found it hard to sit up, I didn’t try to help her or say anything. Her eyes began to close again, I knew she was going back to sleep but at least she had woke up for a few minutes.
“I am still so tired.” She whispered.
I felt like crying looking at her so weak.
“Go to sleep, I will be right here when you wake up.” I promised her tucking the covers around her.
She was already asleep before I could unpause my game.
I didn’t notice the next two hours fly by, before I knew it Jas was awake again. Part of me wished she stayed asleep for a little longer, I would rather that the listen to her tell me how she would be happy for me to meet someone else in the future. The thought of it was torture to listen to, no one would ever compare to Jas, no one.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
Part One…Jasmine
“Do you know I haven’t been here for twelve years?” I said parked in the car outside of my childhood home back on the estate.
“Why did you want to come here today?” He asked.
“I’m not sure, I haven’t been able to come here before. Fear of being recognised and the memories around here but I did have some good times growing up in this house, maybe I am being silly.” I said.
The house was very different to what it looked like when my family lived here, the windows were clean and the front garden was well cared for.
“Maybe someone is home, I could knock and see if they would mind letting you look around inside?” He said.
I knew he was trying to make me happy but it wasn’t necessary, the thought of going back in that house filled me with dread.
“That isn’t necessary, I have a key.” I said not thinking to explain myself.
“Do I even need to ask why you have a key?” He asked.
“Oh, I own it.” I said still staring at the house.
“Of course you do, can I ask why you would want to?”
“Because I wanted it. I wanted some good to come out of that house, the family who li
ve in it now is nice enough, hardworking and the rent they pay each month is donated to charity.” I said answering his question.
“What is going to happen to them when you’re…gone?” He asked.
“They will have first offer when it goes up for sale, if they can’t afford to buy it I have a payment set up to cover them with moving costs and a deposit with six months rent to find somewhere else, they won’t go with out.” I said.
The estate looked smaller now, I suppose it was because I was bigger than I was at sixteen years old, it hadn’t changed much, the trees looked bigger and the houses looked older. If I concentrated hard enough I could picture us all hanging around, laughing and mucking around. So much had happened here and it all felt like happened to someone else, maybe it did, I was not the same person I was back then. One stray tear fell at the past I lost a long time ago.
“Come on, let’s get you home.” Christopher said starting the car.
He slowly drove off the estate and headed for home.
I woke up in bed; I had fallen asleep in the car. I vaguely remembered Christopher carrying me up to our room.
It was like I was awake internally but I couldn’t open my eyes. There was someone in the room with Christopher, I heard him talking.
“The doctor says she hasn’t got long left,” His voice sounded strained.
I wanted to wake up and console him, tell him I was okay.
“Oh son, come here.” Fiona said quietly.
So it was his mother he was talking to. I could hear him being pulled into mother’s arms sobbing.
This time when I woke I could open my eyes, Fiona was standing by the window, she came over when she heard me moving.
“Hey.” She said smiling, she had tears in her eyes, I could tell she was trying her hardest not to cry in front of me,
“I have been asleep a lot haven’t I?” I asked her. She nodded unable to talk.
“I should get Christopher,” She said.
“That is the first time I have heard you call him that.” I said quietly.