“Yeah, I got used to calling him CJ, it doesn’t seem appropriate anymore, hang on I will be back in a minute.” She said pulling the blankets back over me.
Apparently I hadn’t stayed awake long enough for Fiona to get Christopher, when I woke to the afternoon sun shining through the window he was sat sleeping in a chair pulled up close to my side of the bed.
“What are you doing all the way over there?” I asked.
My voice sounded harsh, he came awake instantly searching for me, and he let out the heaviest sigh and joined me on our bed.
You don’t know how happy I am to see your eyes, I have missed you so much.”
He said pulling me into arms kissing the top of my head.
“Why were you in the chair?” I asked hurt that he hadn’t been next to me.
“I didn’t want to disturb you,” He whispered.
“You wouldn’t have, no more chair. It feels like I am in hospital.” I said.
“Okay.” He promised.
“How are you doing?” I asked him because he looked like crap.
“I am not good but don’t worry about me, just stay with me a while longer.” He begged.
“I am not going anywhere just yet,” I replied, “Will you take me downstairs? It feels like I have been up here for ages.” I asked.
I didn’t want to know specifically how long I had been up here for. He helped me to the bathroom and once I had taken care of my needs, he lifted me bridal style in his arms and walked me downstairs to the living room.
“I feel safest in your arms.” I told him.
“Always.” he whispered.
When he walked into the living room it was crowded, Fiona and Henry were sitting in the chairs while Alex and Natalie quickly moved to the other end of the sofa to make room for me to sit. Natalie was wiping her eyes trying to hide her tears from me, as soon as I made eye contact with her she came and sat next to me holding my hands, she didn’t mention them shaking, she squeezed them extra hard.
“I am so relieved to see you awake,” She said.
“Yeah, I am relieved to see you not crying for me.” I joked, we both laughed weakly.
“How is baby treating you?” I asked wanting to talk about anything but what was really on everyone’s mind.
“The sickness had gone, thank god.” She stopped herself. Her joy ending abruptly,
“Don’t feel bad because you don’t feel sick anymore Nat, I am glad you don’t, it isn’t nice.”
“I can feel it moving, it is like a little butterfly fluttering around,” She said smiling again.
“Aww, I am so happy for you, it makes me sad I won’t be here to meet her.” I said sadly.
“We are having a boy.” Alex said from the other end of the sofa.
His look told me how he was feeling for me; thankfully it wasn’t his style to voice his feelings.
“Oh, you found out already?” I asked wondering how long I had been sleeping for but still not wanting to ask.
“No we haven’t but Alex is convinced peanut is a boy where I agree with you, I know she is a girl.” She said.
Henry cleared his throat.
“Do you mind if I speak with Jasmine on our own?” He asked everyone, politely telling them to leave.
After they left the room he came and sat beside me putting his arm around me.
“Tell me straight Henry, it is bad isn’t it?” I asked knowing he would be the only one to tell me the truth.
I didn’t want to ask Christopher and upset him more than I already have.
“The doctor has been out to check you over, she wanted to take you into hospital to make you more comfortable but we listened to your wishes and told her no.”
“And?” I asked for him to carry on.
“You know yourself you are deteriorating rapidly, she said within the next few days…” He was struggling to say the words.
“I get it Henry.” I said.
My breathing became difficult, my whole body was shaking, it was hard to fight the tears so I let them out, it was really happening. All those times I had tried to make Christopher realise it and now it was here, I wasn’t ready. I don’t want to die!
“I don’t want to make a big deal about it but you are one special girl, if I had a daughter I could not be prouder if she were you,” He said with tears running down his cheeks, “I won’t take all your time up I know Rose wants to talk to you, just know that even though you were a hard one to crack you have always been in my heart and I am going to miss you more than you think I will.”
“I wish you were my dad Henry, I love you like you are.” I said.
He kissed my forehead and swiftly left the room.
The conversation with Rose was harder as she couldn’t stop crying, it was so weird having these heartfelt talks with everyone, I suppose dying like this I could say everything I wanted to, leave them knowing how I truly feel about them.
They all left Christopher and I together on our own, he took me back up to our bedroom when I asked him too. I wanted to be in bed with my husband by my side. Christopher lay beside me never letting go of my hand, I had asked him to put our wedding DVD on so we could watch it together again while I lay in his arms.
“I don’t think I can make you my promise tonight.” I murmured silently letting the tears fall.
“I know baby,” He said.
His chest began shaking as did mine, he held me so tight, we didn’t tell each other not to worry or to stop crying. We lay together silently watching the happiest day of my life as I fell asleep.
Part Two…Christopher
We were on way home from the estate when she fell asleep again. It was hard work trying to wake her so I carried her up to the bedroom and laid her on the bed. Henry had followed us up and was waiting outside the bedroom door.
“How long has she been asleep for?” He asked.
“Not long, she wouldn’t wake up so I had to carry her.” I told him.
“I think we should call her doctor,” He said.
“What for?” I might have been naïve but she wasn’t sick, she was just sleeping.
“Because she hasn’t been awake for more than two hours in the last few days.”
I didn’t answer him not knowing what to say, I nodded my head in agreement and went to sit with Jas.
I knew we had days left with each other now not months. The doctor arrived within the hour, the amount Jas paid for health care I am surprised she doesn’t live here. I stayed while she looked Jas over but I left Henry to talk to her and explain what was happening. Henry came back up when she left and filled me in. Apparently Dr Tate had advised we move Jas to a unit in case she needed help with pain. Henry had put his foot down and refused knowing Jas would have hated that idea, she wanted to be at home, that is why she came back to Cambridge in the first place.
“We are looking at days,” He said.
“I already know that.” I snapped.
“I mean by the weekend if were lucky.” He said so quietly I was sure I misheard him.
“She advised if there is anyone who would wish to say goodbye they should get here soon.”
My legs buckled from under me and I slid down the wall, up to three days. Three days is all I have left with her.
“Um…can you call my mum and Nat, they will want to be here.” I said trying to be organised like Jas always tries to be.
“Of course, I will go and pick them up.” He said disappearing down the stairs.
I went back into the bedroom. The time was near and yet it still felt unreal, like it wasn’t actually going to happen. How can one beautiful girl have such shit luck in her life when she had done so well despite her upbringing? I silently cried for the girl of my dreams and the dreams we would never achieve together. She looked so peaceful laying there, her chest slowly raising up and down, her lips slightly parted for each intake of breath. Her soft lips I wouldn’t be able to kiss soon and her silky soft skin I wouldn’t be able to touch. If there was a God, he h
ad done a piss poor job with my wife, why give her life at all if he was going to take it away so early? Everything she had told me about her life during the last thirteen years and I still couldn’t quite believe it when she told me how her life had changed because of me and that made it hurt all the more, all she wanted was to be loved and when she finally was, it was too late.
I sat there until my mum came in, her eyes were wet but she wasn’t crying, always trying to be strong for my sake.
“They say she hasn’t got long left.” I sobbed.
I didn’t care about being manly and holding the tears in, I couldn’t stop them if I tried.
“Oh son, come here.” She choked pulling me into her arms where I cried my heart out.
Soon enough my eyes began to burn,
“Will you sit with her while I go and get some air? I don’t want her to see me like this when she wakes up.” I asked composing myself once again.
“Of course.”
I didn’t pass anyone on my way to the garden. It was comforting to know my family was here.
Turns out Alex and Rose were standing outside having a sneaky cigarette. I walked over to them.
“I thought you had given up? And you Rose, I didn’t know you smoked?” I said glad to be talking about something so mundane.
“Only every now and then.” She said.
“And I am only smoking to keep Rose company,” Alex said.
“Get away with ya, don’t be blaming me,” She scolded him, he only laughed.
“How come you have your own pack then?” I asked him.
“Okay I am smoking again but don’t tell Nat.” He admitted.
I took the cigarette from him and inhaled deeply. I hadn’t smoked since I left college but right now it was better than acquiring a large bottle of whiskey. Rose disappeared back into the house.
“Still asleep?” He asked.
“Yeah, mum is with her.” I replied.
“It really isn’t a joke is it?” He said.
“No.”
“I am so sorry CJ.”
“Not as sorry as I am.” I said.
We sat in silence looking out over the garden; he will always be by my side, no matter why or no matter when. We didn’t really fight when we were younger, we have always been close, looking out for each other, probably because our dad wasn’t around but now he was the one with everything I wanted. He had his girl, a baby on the way and a life with options. Mine felt like it was ending.
“Christopher.” I heard my name being called, for a split second I thought it was Jas. She has been the only one to call me Christopher in years. It was my mother.
“She is awake,” She shouted from the kitchen door.
I quickly went up to the bedroom, excited to see my wife awake at last but when I got there she was sleeping soundly.
I pulled a chair over to the bed and made myself comfortable, I wouldn’t miss the next time she woke up.
“What are you doing all the way over there?” I heard her say, my eyes shot open.
I let out the biggest sigh in relief and quickly joined her on the bed.
“You don’t know how happy I am to see your eyes, I have missed you so much.” I said taking her in my arms and kissing her.
“Why were you in the chair?” She asked.
“I didn’t want to disturb you.” I whispered.
“You wouldn’t have, no more chair, it feels like I am in hospital,” She said still bossy and demanding as ever.
“Okay.” I promised.
“How are you doing?” She asked me.
No matter how she was feeling she was always more concerned about me.
“I am not good but don’t worry about me, just stay with me a while longer.” I begged her. I was not ready to lose her.
“I am not going anywhere just yet,” She replied, “Will you take me downstairs? It feels like I have been up here for ages.”
After she had taken care of her bathroom needs, I carefully picked her up in my arms and took her downstairs.
“I feel safest in your arms,” She told me.
“Always.” I whispered.
I swore to myself I wouldn’t cry in front of her, I would be strong but when she said things like that my heart would begin to break all over again.
I placed her on the sofa as gently as I could not wanting to hurt her. Natalie joined her and held tightly onto her hands. She too was trying not to cry. I couldn’t have loved Nat anymore than I already did as a sister than I did now seeing her genuine sadness talking with my Jas. Everyone in the room knew what was coming, I had never felt an atmosphere like it and to be honest I never wanted to experience it again. Henry asked if he could speak with Jas on his own, I wasn’t happy about leaving her but he had every right to have his moment with her and I wouldn’t deny him that.
“How are you holding up?” Nat asked when we were in the kitchen holding my hands just like she had been with Jas.
“I don’t know. I don’t think she is going to make it to the weekend.” I answered honestly.
I don’t know why I thought that but my brain was screaming we had hours left not days.
Nobody said anything until Henry came in and told Rose that Jas wanted to see her. Once Rose was finished I wasn’t going to let Jas out of my sight or my arms. I would stay awake as long as she stayed with me, I wouldn’t miss a single moment with her. It didn’t take long for Rose to come back; her eyes were red and swollen from crying.
Even at this stage Jas was still the most beautiful woman in the world. She asked me to take her back up to our bedroom.
“Can you put our dvd on please?” She asked.
I knew she meant our wedding DVD. I obliged, anything she asked me to do, and I would.
I laid her on the bed and gently lay beside her keeping a hold of her hand the whole time. She was trying to get closer to me so I helped her and laid her in my arms so my legs were either side of her.
“I don’t think I can keep my promise tonight,” She murmured.
“I know baby.” I said as I held her tight as I could without hurting her. I wouldn’t let her hear me cry but I knew she could feel my chest shaking as I did hers. We had minutes left not hours.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
Christopher…
I knew the exact moment she left this world, the moment she left me. She fell asleep shortly after watching us exchange our vows; I could feel her tears seeping through my shirt. I had vowed not to sleep, I couldn’t if I tried, I would stay awake with her till the end, it was a vow I didn’t have to keep for long. The women I loved so much had died. Cradling my wife in my arms, I knew she wasn’t here anymore but I couldn’t let her go. Time passed and I pressed the button to alert the others, I knew they would be awake around the house. It didn’t take long for the door to burst open, Henry was the first one through the door, he stopped himself standing at the end of the bed, I couldn’t stand to watch his heart break, it was hard enough to breathe myself so I turned away. Natalie was crying into Alex’s shoulder who looked like he wanted to throw up. Rose wouldn’t come into the room, weeping into her tissue in the doorway. It wasn’t until I looked into my mother’s eyes that I lost it. She rushed over and scooped me into her arms and cried with me. I don’t know how long we stayed like that but the sun was starting to rise, Henry had left and returned to let me know Jasmine’s doctor had been notified and was on her way.
“Maybe you should lay her down,” He said.
I looked up at him, he looked like he had aged ten years in the last hour alone.
“I can’t let her go.” I whispered.
“Come on son, you don’t have to leave her, just lay her down.” My mother said.
I gently moved from underneath her and laid her down on my side of the bed, I took hold of her hand as I always had and with my free hand I moved the loose strands of hair from her face. Whoever said dead people looked like they were sleeping was wrong. She looked dead.
Her doctor arrived quicke
r than I hoped she would followed by Mr Brown and another man he had brought with him, they waited outside the room while the doctor confirmed her death. She was quick and efficient not wanting to intrude any longer than she had too. When she left Mr Brown and his associate entered the room respectively, waiting for me to give them the nod.
“I’m never going to see her again.” I said bending down to place my last ever kiss on her lips.
My mum came and moved me to the side of the room; I was numb, I couldn’t watch while they got her ready to go.
“I am sorry for your loss.” Mr Brown said with genuine sorrow, I nodded and followed them down and outside.
The sight of my wife being driven away from me was too much, I dropped to my knees and let out the animal like scream that had been begging to escape from my chest from the moment she died. Alex was right at my side in a flash while my mother’s cries could be heard for miles as she saw her son broken on the floor.
I can’t remember how I ended up back in the house sitting in the chair in the living room with everyone but Henry sitting on the sofa. Rose was crying silently into her tissue unable to look at anyone. I didn’t have the energy to watch their pain, I let my eyes drop to the floor until Henry thrust a tumbler containing a large measure of whiskey in front of me, my first instinct was to refuse it, I needed to be on the ball, then…it hit me all over again, I took it without a second hesitation and downed it. Henry sat in the chair next to mine and placed the bottle of whiskey between us. I had no problem with helping myself. The telly was on but muted in the background, I suddenly laughed making them all look at me nervously.
“Do you know she had that telly for two years and the first time she watched it was with me, she didn’t even know how to turn it on.”
That was a big mistake, talking about her hurt so bad.
I sank back in the chair and kept filling my tumbler up, as I needed. It was so quiet in here the whole atmosphere had changed.
“Oh my god, what is this?” Nat said jumping up. After a minute she found the remote, rewinded whatever programme was on and turned the volume up, there on the morning news was a picture of Jasmine.