“It’s nice to meet you, I trust you have been taking good care of Ava?” she said, looking me directly in the eye.
What was it with me, am I only destined to meet strong willed women?
“He has been doing his best and he hasn’t been doing too badly,” Ava said warmly.
“Apart from ending up in here” Grace replied.
“That wasn’t his fault...”
“I know, I know,” she laughed softly, “I have been told what happened. So, the last time we spoke, you were looking to stay. Is that what you still want?” she asked Ava.
“Yes, do you mind?”
“I’m not going to stop you from being with your family, I still want my Skype time and visits mind you. You will always be my niece and I’ll always love you”
It was plain to see the love Grace had for Ava. I wanted Ava to live with me permanently but I didn’t want to take her away from Grace. She will always be a part of her life and I’ll be forever in her debt for raising her to be the young woman she is today. We had already planned our first family holiday, it was only right Grace and her family were invited too.
Ava’s face lit up when she heard my idea, she waited for her reply.
“Just let me know the dates and I’ll see what I can do. It has been a long time since we got away, it will be good to take a break.
“This is going to be the best holiday ever” Ava smiled at us both.
Seeing her smile like this and knowing she was happy filled me with joy. I never wanted her to lose it.
“I’ll let you rest, I don’t think your dad is going to leave your side so I know you are going to be looked after”
She left shortly after giving Ava the third degree and threatening to come back down if she found out she wasn’t resting. She left me her phone numbers and her address in case I ever needed them. Ava fell asleep and as much as it pained me to leave her, I went to join the rest of my family.
“Hey, she is sleeping. Why don’t you all go home, there isn’t anything any of you can do here and she is going to be okay,” I told them all.
“You need rest too son”
“I’ll be fine, take Henry home, he looks like he is going to fall asleep on his feet” I said.
I walked them down as far as the concourse and grabbed myself something to eat. Part of me knew I should go home and get some sleep or have a shower at least, that she would be looked after here but I couldn’t. Whether it was because of everything I went through with Jas or because my paternal part was coming through, I went with my gut and stayed. I wouldn’t be able to relax anywhere but here.
Fiona….
“Will you sit down?” I told Henry again for the tenth time today.
His arm was healing nicely but ever since the accident he has been slower in his movements. It is not like him at all, he tells me to stop nagging him and that he is fine. Typical man, always putting on a front when he doesn’t need to, especially around me.
“I’m fine, stop fretting,” he said, easing onto the sofa.
“I’ll fret as much as I like, as your wife I have a right to” I told him in a light tone but I meant every word. I could have lost him last month, I thank god he is still mine.
“Fine, if that is what will make you happy my dear” he said.
“Do you think you will be okay for our holiday?” I asked, knowing he would say he is, once again putting on a front.
“Of course I am, I’m looking forward to getting away, plus, it will give us all a chance to move forward.”
“It certainly will, it will be a fresh start for everyone, a family once again” I said.
“Not a complete family though” he said wistfully.
“Try not to think that way, Jasmine wouldn’t want that, she would want us to get on with it just like she would have” I said.
“Your right, let’s go help Ava pack,” he said.
We didn’t have to leave for a while, getting himself out of the house and keeping himself busy was the remedy when he got like this. It wasn’t long before our cases were loaded in the car and we were at Chris’s.
“I’m surprised you are allowed to pack your own case,” I said, beginning to refold the clothes she had tried to pack.
“Dad isn’t here, he left a short while ago otherwise I wouldn’t be allowed to stand let alone try to pack” she laughed.
It gave me such joy hearing her call my son dad when I thought he would never settle, especially after losing Jasmine.
“Do you know where he went” I asked, he was cutting it fine to be making outings an hour before we had to leave.
“No, he just said he wouldn’t be long” she smiled.
It didn’t take long to pack Ava’s case, if Chris had a problem with Ava and Jack’s friendship then I’m not looking forward to seeing how he is going to react to her choice of swimwear. It makes me glad I had sons not daughters. Henry met us at the bottom of the stairs and took her case out to the car. When he came back in, I knew he was going to tell Ava about Lizzie.
“Before we go we need to tell you something,” he said, as I steered Ava to the living room so she could sit down. I wasn’t sure how she would react.
“Sounds serious,” she said, cautiously.
“I have recently found out Lizzie died…a month ago,” he said.
“What? How? How long have you known?” she asked all at once.
“When Jasmine was alive she had me keep tabs on her, just because she had nothing to do with her didn’t mean she didn’t care. Old habits I suppose. Anyway, one of the men she used to drink with regularly kept me in the loop, he called me a few days ago”
“Her funeral?”
“It was two weeks ago” he told her, “It appears the night we dropped her off at the pub, she consumed more alcohol then her body could cope with, she died in the early hours the next morning”
“All alone, how sad” she said.
“How are you feeling?” I asked her.
She didn’t shed one tear.
“Part of me feels sad, my mother’s side of the family is completely gone but the other part of me feels nothing at all. Does that make me a bad person?” she asked, suddenly looking at us both.
“Of course it doesn’t sweetie,” I told her.
“She is at peace, probably for the first time in years” Henry said.
“That is true. I’m fine. Let’s go” Ava said standing up.
Henry and I exchanged a quick look before following her out. When we were in the car I glanced back at Ava.
“Excited?” I asked, as she looked a bit peaky.
“Nervous, I don’t like flying” she replied.
“Finally, something you don’t have in common with your mother, she loved to fly, she even had her own jet” I told her as her face fell in shock.
“Really? A jet?” she repeated.
I nodded as Henry pulled away from the house.
“Why are we leaving? Chris isn’t back yet?”
We had planned to travel together.
“I have a good idea where he will be” he replied.
“Where?” Ava asked.
“The cemetery. It is the only one of two times of the year he visits her. Today is her birthday”
Oh my god, how could I forget? I had been so wrapped up with Henry and Ava recovering from the accident, her birthday had completely slipped from my mind.
I turned to see Ava looking out of the window, she didn’t look upset but she was quietly thinking, she had the same look about her as Chris did when he is thinking something over.
“Can we stop at a florist please Henry?” she asked.
“Sure, there is one on the way”
The rest of the journey was quiet, no wonder Henry was quieter than normal earlier, Ava brought a single stem deep red rose and got back in the car.
“You have been to her grave before, haven’t you? I recognise the single roses,” he asked.
She only nodded before returning to staring out of the w
indow. Ten minutes later Henry parked behind Chris’s car, looks like he will be driving to the airport too.
“Would you like us to come with you?” I asked her.
“I’ll be okay, I won’t be long”
I waited till she was walking away before scolding Henry for not reminding me about Jasmine’s birthday.
“She wouldn’t have wanted a fuss if she were alive, she most definitely wouldn’t want everyone fussing now” he said.
“I know, you could have reminded me though, would you like to visit when they get back?”
“No, I’ll stop by when we get back”
Being here was terrible, the day we buried Jasmine I thought I would never see my son happy again, I watched half of him die when she did. Having Ava in his life now, and the possibility of romance with Megan, I know he will be happy in his own way. As a mother that is all I want for him.
Christopher…
A month had passed since the accident, Ava had made an impressive recovery. She was still healing from the fractures and broken ribs but emotionally she was already healed. I expected nightmares at least but she had been fine.
Grace was able to join us on holiday when we gave her the departure dates, so currently we have five hours before take-off.
My mum was due to help Ava pack her case as she only had the use of one arm, our father-daughter relationship changed after the accident, it was easy, neither of us were worried about upsetting the other now, we say what we think and if one of us doesn’t agree with the other then we voice it.
Today is the day I dread the most out of the whole year, it is Jasmine’s birthday. It is the only time of the year I visit her grave apart from the date she died, I tidy it up and leave fresh flowers. I know Henry and Rose visit often.
There wasn’t much to tidy around her plot, I emptied the dead flowers and replaced them with my fresh ones.
“Well, a lot has happened since the last time I was here” I said crouching down.
“I finally understand why you didn’t tell me about Ava, I wish you had but I’m not angry anymore. I wish you were here to see how much like you she is. I’m so proud to be her father. Also like you, she has changed me forever, you told me I would be happy again and today I finally believe you. I miss you like crazy and my love for you still hasn’t changed but I can move on now, I can see that.”
I wasn’t going to tell her about Megan, who knows, there might not be anything to it.
“Maybe next year I’ll have more to tell you, but for now we are going away on our first holiday, all of us”
“Do you always talk to the air?” Ava said lightly, making me jump up.
“I know it’s silly but it helps sometimes to talk to her. I was telling her about you” I told her.
Ava stiffly bent down to lay a single rose by the headstone, I helped her back up and saw the dead flowers were of the same variety.
“Have you been here before?” I asked.
“I came here before I met you, and I have been a few times since. I didn’t mention it because I know how upset you get. It is crazy to think she is here but she isn’t, if that makes any sense?”
“Totally”
I knew exactly what she meant, it is why I talk to thin air.
“Come on, let’s get out of here” I smiled, taking her free arm in mine and leading her back to the car.
I felt free walking back, I didn’t have the grief I usually carried around weighing me down. Maybe, to gain the life I have now, I had to lose Jas in some fucked up way. Destiny sucks when you don’t control it but the way my life is now, I can open my heart again.
Jas was my first love, the mother of my daughter and most probably the only woman who was able to permanently turn my world upside down. I don’t need to replace her or the life I shared with her. If I’m to fall in love again I wouldn’t have the guilt I thought I would have because this is the next chapter in my life, and I’m ready for it.
“When we get back, you should give Megan a call”
“Yeah, I might do that”
“Yeah, I might give Jack a call too” she laughed, looking up at me.
Oh god, and so another chapter begins.
Part Two
Chapter Eleven
Christopher…15 years on…
Ava has been a part of my life for twelve years now, I haven’t forgotten about the first sixteen years not knowing she existed but I have forgiven Jas for not telling me the truth. Life without Jas still hurts, but with Ava in my life it makes the passing years’ worth living for. She has made me the proudest father on earth. After she finished studying, she left university with a business degree and went into partnership with Megan. They now run a successful youth centre, where children and teenagers can go and be safe, they also offer a service where the kids can talk to professionals in confidence, which is where Megan steps in. She graduated with honours in psychology, she listens to their problems and helps them in any way she can. The work they do together for the kids is amazing. It should be awkward between Megan and I, what with her working with my daughter but it isn’t.
We spent five years trying to make some sort of a relationship work. We spent a lot of time together but we never took it further than that, no moving in together or proposals of any sort. In the beginning we took it so slow sometimes it felt like we weren’t going anywhere at all, which was good, I couldn’t grasp the fact I had nothing to feel guilty about and that Jasmine would be happy for me, and Megan always felt second best.
We mutually decided to end things when we both grew tired of keeping up the pretence, plus it wasn’t fair to her, she wanted the whole works and she knew I couldn’t give it to her. I don’t see her often whenever I pop by to see Ava, but when I do we are just like normal friends. I miss her personality and her humour sometimes, but it isn’t enough to ask her to stay around for that.
Now today, Ava is moving into her own home, the day I have been dreading since she came to live with me.
“I don’t believe what I’m seeing” Ava said in awe.
When she first bought me here, I couldn’t wrap my head around the idea of why she would want to buy a run down, dilapidated house when she could afford any house she wanted. When I asked her why, she said it was because she liked to see the ugly turn into something beautiful.
She had certainly done that with this place, well, with my help. She hired my company to renovate her new home. She is now the proud owner of a five bedroom, very spacious, grand but homely home. The white walls in the open space should have felt cold but it felt warm and comfortable. I have been dreading this day, all her belongings at our home were packed and ready to be moved here, and once again I will be on my own.
“Do you like the finished result?” I asked.
I was proud of my work, as usual, and I hoped she would like it as I stuck to her plans to the letter.
“I love it” she beamed, “I can’t believe you have finished”
As her happiness filled the empty house, I struggled not to dampen her good mood. Even though she is soon going to be twenty-nine years old, I wanted her to stay living at home. I keep reminding myself it wasn’t normal for her to be still living with her father at her age, I certainly couldn’t stand to live with my mother at that age but when she moves out, I will be alone again. I have told myself numerous times, it isn’t the same as Jas, she isn’t dying, and she is only moving eight miles down the road. I’ll be able to see her when I want, it just won’t be the same.
“Guess I’ll have to move out now” she laughed.
“There isn’t any rush,” I mumbled.
Apparently I hadn’t mumbled quietly enough as she heard me, and frowned.
“Dad,” she sighed, “We spoke about this, I have to move out one day,” she said, coming to stand beside me.
“So I have been told,” Now it was my turn to sigh, “Don’t listen to me, I am going to miss you being around, that’s all” I told her.
“I’ll still see you all
the time” she assured me.
I believed her, she has the same need for family around her as I do.
“Come on, Jase will be waiting” I said.
Jase was helping us load Ava’s things, I had originally asked Alex but apparently he is busy, as he always seems to be these days.
“I think it’s just me and you doing all the work,” Jase said, heaving the last box on to the van.
“I’m supervising” Ava mocked, “I didn’t realise how much stuff I had”
“Are you sure Layton and his mates are going to help your end?” I asked.
Layton Hughes is Ava’s boyfriend, has been for the last four years. After her turbulent relationship with Jack, I thought he would have put her off men for life, it nearly did until she met Layton. I didn’t have any worries about Ava and her wealth with him like I did with Jack. He comes from a wealthy family and has his own money. He is selling his home and moving in with Ava today. He is a decent lad, well man, he is the same age as Ava. I know he is wary of me and my protectiveness over Ava, and that is the way I like to keep it.
“Yes, he called a few minutes ago to say they are waiting for me” she smiled.
“And you’re sure you can drive this?” Jase asked, pointing to the van.
“Yes, I’ll be fine” she said, rolling her eyes, “Thank you both for helping, I’ll call you tomorrow, and I’ll see you and Anna tomorrow night” she added, climbing into the van.
As we watched her drive away with the final load of her things, I felt lost. The house itself felt much bigger than normal, and colder.
“Do you want a drink before you go?” I asked, still standing on the doorstep.
“I better not, Anna wants me back as soon as”
“Okay mate, I don’t know where Alex is these days but thanks for today”
“No worries, I know what you mean, I have hardly seen him apart from at work”
I frowned, he hasn’t been himself for a long while now and he was beginning to worry me.