CHAPTER VI.
Several contrivances of the author to please the king and queen. Heshows his skill in music. The king inquires into the state of England,which the author relates to him. The king's observations thereon.
I used to attend the king's levee once or twice a week, and had oftenseen him under the barber's hand, which indeed was at first very terribleto behold; for the razor was almost twice as long as an ordinary scythe.His majesty, according to the custom of the country, was only shavedtwice a-week. I once prevailed on the barber to give me some of the sudsor lather, out of which I picked forty or fifty of the strongest stumpsof hair. I then took a piece of fine wood, and cut it like the back of acomb, making several holes in it at equal distances with as small aneedle as I could get from Glumdalclitch. I fixed in the stumps soartificially, scraping and sloping them with my knife toward the points,that I made a very tolerable comb; which was a seasonable supply, my ownbeing so much broken in the teeth, that it was almost useless: neitherdid I know any artist in that country so nice and exact, as wouldundertake to make me another.
And this puts me in mind of an amusement, wherein I spent many of myleisure hours. I desired the queen's woman to save for me the combingsof her majesty's hair, whereof in time I got a good quantity; andconsulting with my friend the cabinet-maker, who had received generalorders to do little jobs for me, I directed him to make two chair-frames,no larger than those I had in my box, and to bore little holes with afine awl, round those parts where I designed the backs and seats; throughthese holes I wove the strongest hairs I could pick out, just after themanner of cane chairs in England. When they were finished, I made apresent of them to her majesty; who kept them in her cabinet, and used toshow them for curiosities, as indeed they were the wonder of every onethat beheld them. The queen would have me sit upon one of these chairs,but I absolutely refused to obey her, protesting I would rather die thanplace a dishonourable part of my body on those precious hairs, that onceadorned her majesty's head. Of these hairs (as I had always a mechanicalgenius) I likewise made a neat little purse, about five feet long, withher majesty's name deciphered in gold letters, which I gave toGlumdalclitch, by the queen's consent. To say the truth, it was more forshow than use, being not of strength to bear the weight of the largercoins, and therefore she kept nothing in it but some little toys thatgirls are fond of.
The king, who delighted in music, had frequent concerts at court, towhich I was sometimes carried, and set in my box on a table to hear them:but the noise was so great that I could hardly distinguish the tunes. Iam confident that all the drums and trumpets of a royal army, beating andsounding together just at your ears, could not equal it. My practice wasto have my box removed from the place where the performers sat, as far asI could, then to shut the doors and windows of it, and draw the windowcurtains; after which I found their music not disagreeable.
I had learned in my youth to play a little upon the spinet.Glumdalclitch kept one in her chamber, and a master attended twice a-weekto teach her: I called it a spinet, because it somewhat resembled thatinstrument, and was played upon in the same manner. A fancy came into myhead, that I would entertain the king and queen with an English tune uponthis instrument. But this appeared extremely difficult: for the spinetwas near sixty feet long, each key being almost a foot wide, so that withmy arms extended I could not reach to above five keys, and to press themdown required a good smart stroke with my fist, which would be too greata labour, and to no purpose. The method I contrived was this: I preparedtwo round sticks, about the bigness of common cudgels; they were thickerat one end than the other, and I covered the thicker ends with pieces ofa mouse's skin, that by rapping on them I might neither damage the topsof the keys nor interrupt the sound. Before the spinet a bench wasplaced, about four feet below the keys, and I was put upon the bench. Iran sideling upon it, that way and this, as fast as I could, banging theproper keys with my two sticks, and made a shift to play a jig, to thegreat satisfaction of both their majesties; but it was the most violentexercise I ever underwent; and yet I could not strike above sixteen keys,nor consequently play the bass and treble together, as other artists do;which was a great disadvantage to my performance.
The king, who, as I before observed, was a prince of excellentunderstanding, would frequently order that I should be brought in my box,and set upon the table in his closet: he would then command me to bringone of my chairs out of the box, and sit down within three yards distanceupon the top of the cabinet, which brought me almost to a level with hisface. In this manner I had several conversations with him. I one daytook the freedom to tell his majesty, that the contempt he discoveredtowards Europe, and the rest of the world, did not seem answerable tothose excellent qualities of mind that he was master of; that reason didnot extend itself with the bulk of the body; on the contrary, we observedin our country, that the tallest persons were usually the least providedwith it; that among other animals, bees and ants had the reputation ofmore industry, art, and sagacity, than many of the larger kinds; andthat, as inconsiderable as he took me to be, I hoped I might live to dohis majesty some signal service. The king heard me with attention, andbegan to conceive a much better opinion of me than he had ever before.He desired I would give him as exact an account of the government ofEngland as I possibly could; because, as fond as princes commonly are oftheir own customs (for so he conjectured of other monarchs, by my formerdiscourses), he should be glad to hear of any thing that might deserveimitation.
Imagine with thyself, courteous reader, how often I then wished for thetongue of Demosthenes or Cicero, that might have enabled me to celebratethe praise of my own dear native country in a style equal to its meritsand felicity.
I began my discourse by informing his majesty, that our dominionsconsisted of two islands, which composed three mighty kingdoms, under onesovereign, beside our plantations in America. I dwelt long upon thefertility of our soil, and the temperature of our climate. I then spokeat large upon the constitution of an English parliament; partly made upof an illustrious body called the House of Peers; persons of the noblestblood, and of the most ancient and ample patrimonies. I described thatextraordinary care always taken of their education in arts and arms, toqualify them for being counsellors both to the king and kingdom; to havea share in the legislature; to be members of the highest court ofjudicature, whence there can be no appeal; and to be champions alwaysready for the defence of their prince and country, by their valour,conduct, and fidelity. That these were the ornament and bulwark of thekingdom, worthy followers of their most renowned ancestors, whose honourhad been the reward of their virtue, from which their posterity werenever once known to degenerate. To these were joined several holypersons, as part of that assembly, under the title of bishops, whosepeculiar business is to take care of religion, and of those who instructthe people therein. These were searched and sought out through the wholenation, by the prince and his wisest counsellors, among such of thepriesthood as were most deservedly distinguished by the sanctity of theirlives, and the depth of their erudition; who were indeed the spiritualfathers of the clergy and the people.
That the other part of the parliament consisted of an assembly called theHouse of Commons, who were all principal gentlemen, freely picked andculled out by the people themselves, for their great abilities and loveof their country, to represent the wisdom of the whole nation. And thatthese two bodies made up the most august assembly in Europe; to whom, inconjunction with the prince, the whole legislature is committed.
I then descended to the courts of justice; over which the judges, thosevenerable sages and interpreters of the law, presided, for determiningthe disputed rights and properties of men, as well as for the punishmentof vice and protection of innocence. I mentioned the prudent managementof our treasury; the valour and achievements of our forces, by sea andland. I computed the number of our people, by reckoning how manymillions there might be of each religious sect, or political party amongus. I did not omit even our sports and pastimes, or any other particularwhich I thought might redound to the honour of my country. And Ifinished all with a brief historical account of affairs and events inEngland for about a hundred years past.
This conversation was not ended under five audiences, each of severalhours; and the king heard the whole with great attention, frequentlytaking notes of what I spoke, as well as memorandums of what questions heintended to ask me.
When I had put an end to these long discources, his majesty, in a sixthaudience, consulting his notes, proposed many doubts, queries, andobjections, upon every article. He asked, What methods were used tocultivate the minds and bodies of our young nobility, and in what kind ofbusiness they commonly spent the first and teachable parts of theirlives? What course was taken to supply that assembly, when any noblefamily became extinct? What qualifications were necessary in those whoare to be created new lords: whether the humour of the prince, a sum ofmoney to a court lady, or a design of strengthening a party opposite tothe public interest, ever happened to be the motive in thoseadvancements? What share of knowledge these lords had in the laws oftheir country, and how they came by it, so as to enable them to decidethe properties of their fellow-subjects in the last resort? Whether theywere always so free from avarice, partialities, or want, that a bribe, orsome other sinister view, could have no place among them? Whether thoseholy lords I spoke of were always promoted to that rank upon account oftheir knowledge in religious matters, and the sanctity of their lives;had never been compliers with the times, while they were common priests;or slavish prostitute chaplains to some nobleman, whose opinions theycontinued servilely to follow, after they were admitted into thatassembly?
He then desired to know, What arts were practised in electing those whomI called commoners: whether a stranger, with a strong purse, might notinfluence the vulgar voters to choose him before their own landlord, orthe most considerable gentleman in the neighbourhood? How it came topass, that people were so violently bent upon getting into this assembly,which I allowed to be a great trouble and expense, often to the ruin oftheir families, without any salary or pension? because this appeared suchan exalted strain of virtue and public spirit, that his majesty seemed todoubt it might possibly not be always sincere. And he desired to know,Whether such zealous gentlemen could have any views of refundingthemselves for the charges and trouble they were at by sacrificing thepublic good to the designs of a weak and vicious prince, in conjunctionwith a corrupted ministry? He multiplied his questions, and sifted methoroughly upon every part of this head, proposing numberless inquiriesand objections, which I think it not prudent or convenient to repeat.
Upon what I said in relation to our courts of justice, his majestydesired to be satisfied in several points: and this I was the better ableto do, having been formerly almost ruined by a long suit in chancery,which was decreed for me with costs. He asked, What time was usuallyspent in determining between right and wrong, and what degree of expense?Whether advocates and orators had liberty to plead in causes manifestlyknown to be unjust, vexatious, or oppressive? Whether party, in religionor politics, were observed to be of any weight in the scale of justice?Whether those pleading orators were persons educated in the generalknowledge of equity, or only in provincial, national, and other localcustoms? Whether they or their judges had any part in penning thoselaws, which they assumed the liberty of interpreting, and glossing uponat their pleasure? Whether they had ever, at different times, pleadedfor and against the same cause, and cited precedents to prove contraryopinions? Whether they were a rich or a poor corporation? Whether theyreceived any pecuniary reward for pleading, or delivering their opinions?And particularly, whether they were ever admitted as members in the lowersenate?
He fell next upon the management of our treasury; and said, he thoughtmy memory had failed me, because I computed our taxes at about five orsix millions a-year, and when I came to mention the issues, he found theysometimes amounted to more than double; for the notes he had taken werevery particular in this point, because he hoped, as he told me, that theknowledge of our conduct might be useful to him, and he could not bedeceived in his calculations. But, if what I told him were true, he wasstill at a loss how a kingdom could run out of its estate, like a privateperson. He asked me, who were our creditors; and where we found moneyto pay them? He wondered to hear me talk of such chargeable andexpensive wars; that certainly we must be a quarrelsome people, or liveamong very bad neighbours, and that our generals must needs be richerthan our kings. He asked, what business we had out of our own islands,unless upon the score of trade, or treaty, or to defend the coasts withour fleet? Above all, he was amazed to hear me talk of a mercenarystanding army, in the midst of peace, and among a free people. He said,if we were governed by our own consent, in the persons of ourrepresentatives, he could not imagine of whom we were afraid, or againstwhom we were to fight; and would hear my opinion, whether a private man'shouse might not be better defended by himself, his children, and family,than by half-a-dozen rascals, picked up at a venture in the streets forsmall wages, who might get a hundred times more by cutting theirthroats?
He laughed at my odd kind of arithmetic, as he was pleased to call it,in reckoning the numbers of our people, by a computation drawn from theseveral sects among us, in religion and politics. He said, he knew noreason why those, who entertain opinions prejudicial to the public,should be obliged to change, or should not be obliged to conceal them.And as it was tyranny in any government to require the first, so it wasweakness not to enforce the second: for a man may be allowed to keeppoisons in his closet, but not to vend them about for cordials.
He observed, that among the diversions of our nobility and gentry, I hadmentioned gaming: he desired to know at what age this entertainment wasusually taken up, and when it was laid down; how much of their time itemployed; whether it ever went so high as to affect their fortunes;whether mean, vicious people, by their dexterity in that art, might notarrive at great riches, and sometimes keep our very nobles in dependence,as well as habituate them to vile companions, wholly take them from theimprovement of their minds, and force them, by the losses they received,to learn and practise that infamous dexterity upon others?
He was perfectly astonished with the historical account gave him of ouraffairs during the last century; protesting it was only a heap ofconspiracies, rebellions, murders, massacres, revolutions, banishments,the very worst effects that avarice, faction, hypocrisy, perfidiousness,cruelty, rage, madness, hatred, envy, lust, malice, and ambition, couldproduce.
His majesty, in another audience, was at the pains to recapitulate thesum of all I had spoken; compared the questions he made with the answersI had given; then taking me into his hands, and stroking me gently,delivered himself in these words, which I shall never forget, nor themanner he spoke them in: My little friend Grildrig, you have made a mostadmirable panegyric upon your country; you have clearly proved, thatignorance, idleness, and vice, are the proper ingredients for qualifyinga legislator; that laws are best explained, interpreted, and applied, bythose whose interest and abilities lie in perverting, confounding, andeluding them. I observe among you some lines of an institution, which,in its original, might have been tolerable, but these half erased, andthe rest wholly blurred and blotted by corruptions. It does not appear,from all you have said, how any one perfection is required toward theprocurement of any one station among you; much less, that men areennobled on account of their virtue; that priests are advanced for theirpiety or learning; soldiers, for their conduct or valour; judges, fortheir integrity; senators, for the love of their country; or counsellorsfor their wisdom. As for yourself, continued the king, who have spentthe greatest part of your life in travelling, I am well disposed to hopeyou may hitherto have escaped many vices of your country. But by what Ihave gathered from your own relation, and the answers I have with muchpains wrung and extorted from you, I cannot but conclude the bulk of yournatives to be the most pernicious race of little odious vermin thatnature ever suffered to crawl upon the surface of the earth.